The Young Visiters or,

Mr. Salteena's Plan

By

Daisy Ashford

www.freeclassicebooks.com

PREFACE. 3

CHAPTER 1 - QUITE A YOUNG GIRL. 11

CHAPTER 2 - STARTING GAILY. 14

CHAPTER 3 - THE FIRST EVENING.. 20

CHAPTER 4 - MR SALTEENAS PLAN.. 24

CHAPTER 5 - THE CRYSTAL PALACE. 28

CHAPTER 6 - HIGH LIFE. 39

CHAPTER 7 - BERNARDS IDEAR. 50

CHAPTER 8 - A GAY CALL. 54

CHAPTER 9 - A PROPOSALE. 61

CHAPTER 10 - PREPARING FOR THE FRAY. 67

CHAPTER 11 - THE WEDDING.. 69

CHAPTER 12 - HOW IT ENDED.. 71

PREFACE

The "owner of the copyright" guarantees that "The Young Visiters" is

the unaided effort in fiction of an authoress of nine years. "Effort,"

however, is an absurd word to use, as you may see by studying the

triumphant countenance of the child herself, which is here reproduced

as frontispiece to her sublime work. This is no portrait of a writer

who had to burn the oil at midnight (indeed there is documentary

evidence that she was hauled off to bed every evening at six): it has

an air of careless power; there is a complacency about it that by the

severe might perhaps be called smugness. It needed no effort for that

face to knock off a masterpiece. It probably represents precisely how

she looked when she finished a chapter. When she was actually at work

I think the expression was more solemn, with the tongue firmly

clenched between the teeth; an unholy rapture showing as she drew near

her love chapter. Fellow-craftsmen will see that she is looking

forward to this chapter all the time.

The manuscript is in pencil in a stout little note book (twopence),

and there it has lain for years, for though the authoress was nine

when she wrote it she is now a grown woman. It has lain, in lavender

as it were, in the dumpy note book, waiting for a publisher to ride

that way and rescue it; and here he is at last, not a bit afraid that

to this age it may appear "Victorian." Indeed if its pictures of High

Life are accurate (as we cannot doubt, the authoress seems always so

sure of her facts) they had a way of going on in those times which is

really surprising. Even the grand historical figures were free and

easy, such as King Edward, of whom we have perhaps the most human

picture ever penned, as he appears at a levée "rather sumshiously," in

a "small but costly crown," and afterwards slips away to tuck

into ices. It would seem in particular that we are oddly wrong in our

idea of the young Victorian lady as a person more shy and shrinking than

the girl of to-day. The Ethel of this story is a fascinating creature

who would have a good time wherever there were a few males, but no

longer could she voyage through life quite so jollily without

attracting the attention of the censorious. Chaperon seems to be one

of the very few good words of which our authoress had never heard.

The lady she had grown into, the "owner of the copyright" already

referred to, gives me a few particulars of this child she used to be,

and is evidently a little scared by her. We should probably all be a

little scared (though proud) if that portrait was dumped down in front

of us as ours, and we were asked to explain why we once thought so

much of ourselves as that.

Except for the smirk on her face, all I can learn of her now is that

she was one of a small family who lived in the country, invented

their own games, dodged the governess and let the rest of the world go

hang. She read everything that came her way, including, as the context

amply proves, the grown-up novels of the period. "I adored writing and

used to pray for bad weather, so that I need not go out but could stay

in and write." Her mother used to have early tea in bed; sometimes

visitors came to the house, when there was talk of events in high

society: there was mention of places called Hampton Court, the Gaiety

Theatre and the "Crystale" Palace. This is almost all that is now

remembered, but it was enough for the blazing child. She sucked her

thumb for a moment (this is guesswork), and sat down to her amazing

tale.

"Her mother used to have early tea in bed." Many authors must have had

a similar experience, but they all missed the possibilities of it

until this young woman came along. It thrilled her; and tea in bed at last takes its proper place in fiction. "Mr Salteena woke

up rarther early next day and was delighted to find Horace the footman

entering with a cup of tea. Oh thank you my man said Mr Salteena

rolling over in the costly bed. Mr Clark is nearly out of the bath sir

announced Horace I will have great pleasure in turning it on for you

if such is your desire. Well yes you might said Mr Salteena seeing it

was the idear." Mr Salteena cleverly conceals his emotion, but as soon

as he is alone he rushes to Ethel's door, "I say said Mr Salteena

excitedly I have had some tea in bed."

"Sometimes visitors came to the house." Nothing much in that to us,

but how consummately this child must have studied them; if you

consider what she knew of them before the "viacle" arrived to take

them back to the station you will never dare to spend another week-end

in a house where there may be a novelist of nine years. I am sure that

when you left your bedroom this child stole in, examined everything

and summed you up. She was particularly curious about the articles

on your dressing-table, including the little box containing a reddish

powder, and she never desisted from watching you till she caught you

dabbing it on your cheeks. This powder, which she spells "ruge," went

a little to her head, and it accompanies Ethel on her travels with

superb effect. For instance, she is careful to put it on to be

proposed to; and again its first appearance is excused in words that

should henceforth be serviceable in every boudoir. "I shall put some

red ruge on my face said Ethel becouse I am very pale owing to the

drains in this house."

Those who read will see how the rooms in Hampton Court became the

"compartments" in the "Crystale" Palace, and how the "Gaierty" Hotel

grew out of the Gaiety Theatre, with many other agreeable changes. The

novelist will find the tale a model for his future work. How

incomparably, for instance, the authoress dives into her story

at once. How cunningly throughout she keeps us on the hooks of suspense,

jumping to Mr Salteena when we are in a quiver about Ethel, and

turning to Ethel when we are quite uneasy about Mr Salteena. This

authoress of nine is flirting with her readers all the time. Her mind

is such a rich pocket that as she digs in it (her head to the side and

her tongue well out) she sends up showers of nuggets. There seldom

probably was a novelist with such an uncanny knowledge of his

characters as she has of Mr Salteena. The first line of the tale

etches him for all time: "Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and

fond of asking people to stay with him." On the next page Salteena

draws a touching picture of himself in a letter accepting an

invitation: "I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of

digging in the garden and I am parshal to ladies if they are nice I

suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but you would

hardly notice it but can't be helped anyhow." "When the great

morning arrived Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his breakfast in

case he should be sick on the journey." For my part I love Mr Salteena,

who has a touch of Hamlet, and I wished up to the end that Ethel would

make him happy, though I never had much hope after I read the

description of Bernard Clark's legs.

It is not to be wondered at that Mr Salteena soon grew "rarther

jellous" of Bernard, who showed off from the first. "My own room is

next the bathroom said Bernard it is decerated dark red as I have

somber tastes. The bathroom has got a tip up basin." Thus was Mr

Salteena put in his place, and there the cruel authoress (with her

tongue farther out than ever) doggedly keeps him. "After dinner Ethel

played some merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with a

rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal.

Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle." No wonder

Mr Salteena went gloomily to bed, not to sleep, but to think

out the greater riddle of how to become a gentleman, with which

triumphant adventure the book is largely concerned.

To many the most instructive part of the story will be the chapter

entitled "Bernard's Idear." Bernard's "idear" (warmly acclaimed by

Ethel) is that she and he should go up to London "for a few weeks

gaierty." Something of the kind has often been done in fiction and in

guide-books, but never probably in such a hearty way as here. Arrived

at the "Gaierty" Hotel Bernard pokes his head into the "window of the

pay desk. Have you a couple of bedrooms for self and young lady he

enquired in a lordly way." He is told that they have two beauties.

"Thank you said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection. None

whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the view

quite pleasant. Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh.

Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile." He decides gallantly

that the larger room shall be hers. "I shall be quite lost in that

large bed," Ethel says. "Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now

what about a little table d'ote followed by a theatre?"

Bernard's proposal should be carried in the pocket of all future

swains. He decides "whilst imbibing his morning tea beneath the pink

silken quilt," that to propose in London would not be the "correct

idear." He springs out of bed and knocks at Ethel's door. "Are you up

my dear? he called. Well not quite said Ethel hastily jumping from her

downy nest." He explains his "idear." "Oh hurrah shouted Ethel I shall

soon be ready as I had my bath last night so won't wash very much

now."

They go up the river in a boat, and after they had eaten and "drunk

deeply of the charming viands ending up with merangs and chocklates,"

Bernard says "in a passionate voice Let us now bask under the

spreading trees. Oh yes lets said Ethel." "Ethel he murmered in a

trembly voice. Oh what is it said Ethel." What it was (as well

she knew) was love eternal. Ethel accepts him, faints and is brought back

to life by a clever "idear" of Bernard's, who pours water on her. "She

soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile. Take me back to the

'Gaierty' Hotel she whispered faintly. With pleasure my darling said

Bernard I will just pack up our viands ere I unloose the boat. Ethel

felt better after a few drops of champaigne and began to tidy her hair

while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm they

tottered to the boat, I trust you have not got an illness my darling

murmured Bernard as he helped her in, Oh no I am very strong said

Ethel I fainted from joy she added to explain matters. Oh I see said

Bernard handing her a cushion well some people do he added kindly."

"So I will end my chapter," the authoress says; and we can picture her

doing it complacently, and slowly pulling in her tongue.

Ethel was married in the Abbey. Her wedding dress was "a rich

satin with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long

train edged with Airum lillies." "You will indeed be a charming

spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as they left the shop," and I have

no doubt she was. She got many delightful presents, the nicest of all

being from her father, who "provided a cheque for £2 and promised to

send her a darling little baby calf when ready." This is perhaps the

prettiest touch in the story and should make us all take off our hats

to the innocent wondering mind that thought of it.

Poor Mr Salteena. He was at the wedding, dressed in black and crying

into his handkerchief. However he recovered to an extent and married

Another and had ten children, "five of each," none of them of course

equal to Ethel's children, of whom in a remarkably short time there

were seven, which the authoress evidently considers to be the right

"idear."

It seems to me to be a remarkable work for a child, remarkable

even in its length and completeness, for when children turn author they

usually stop in the middle, like the kitten when it jumps. The

pencilled MS. has been accurately reproduced, not a word added or cut

out. Each chapter being in one long paragraph, however, this has been

subdivided for the reader's comfort.

J. M. BARRIE.

CHAPTER 1 - QUITE A YOUNG GIRL

Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and was fond of asking peaple to

stay with him. He had quite a young girl staying with him of 17 named

Ethel Monticue. Mr Salteena had dark short hair and mustache and

wiskers which were very black and twisty. He was middle sized and he

had very pale blue eyes. He had a pale brown suit but on Sundays he

had a black one and he had a topper every day as he thorght it more

becoming. Ethel Monticue had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes.

She had a blue velvit frock which had grown rarther short in the

sleeves. She had a black straw hat and kid gloves.

One morning Mr Salteena came down to brekfast and found Ethel had come

down first which was strange. Is the tea made Ethel he said rubbing

his hands. Yes said Ethel and such a quear shaped parcel has come for

you Yes indeed it was a quear shape parcel it was a hat box tied down

very tight and a letter stuffed between the string. Well well said Mr

Salteena parcels do turn quear I will read the letter first and so

saying he tore open the letter and this is what it said

My dear Alfred.

I want you to come for a stop with me so I have sent you a top hat

wraped up in tishu paper inside the box. Will you wear it staying

with me because it is very uncommon. Please bring one of your young

ladies whichever is the prettiest in the face.

I remain Yours truely

Bernard Clark.

Well said Mr Salteena I shall take you to stay Ethel and fancy him

sending me a top hat. Then Mr S. opened the box and there lay the most

splendid top hat of a lovly rich tone rarther like grapes with a

ribbon round compleat.

Well said Mr Salteena peevishly I dont know if I shall like it the bow

of the ribbon is too flighty for my age. Then he sat down and eat the

egg which Ethel had so kindly laid for him. After he had finished his

meal he got down and began to write to Bernard Clark he ran up stairs

on his fat legs and took out his blotter with a loud sniff and this is

what he wrote

My dear Bernard

Certinly I shall come and stay with you next Monday I will bring

Ethel Monticue commonly called Miss M. She is very active and

pretty. I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of

digging in the garden and I am parshial to ladies if they

are nice I suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but

you would hardly notice it but cant be helped anyhow. We will come

by the 3-15.

Your old and valud friend

Alfred Salteena.

Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Bernard Clark had asked Mr

Salteena to stay with him. He was a lonely man in a remote spot and he

liked peaple and partys but he did not know many. What rot muttered

Bernard Clark as he read Mr Salteenas letter. He was rarther a

presumshious man.

CHAPTER 2 - STARTING GAILY

When the great morning came Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his

brekfast in case he should be sick on the jorney.

What top hat will you wear asked Ethel.

I shall wear my best black and my white alpacka coat to keep off the

dust and flies replied Mr Salteena.

I shall put some red ruge on my face said Ethel because I am very pale

owing to the drains in this house.

You will look very silly said Mr Salteena with a dry laugh.

Well so will you said Ethel in a snappy tone and she ran out of the

room with a very superier run throwing out her legs behind and her

arms swinging in rithum.

Well said the owner of the house she has a most idiotick run.

Presently Ethel came back in her best hat and a lovly velvit coat of

royal blue. Do I look nice in my get up she asked.

Mr Salteena survayed her. You look rarther rash my dear your colors

dont quite match your face but never mind I am just going up to say

goodbye to Rosalind the housemaid.

Well dont be long said Ethel. Mr S. skipped upstairs to Rosalinds

room. Goodbye Rosalind he said I shall be back soon and I hope I shall

enjoy myself.

I make no doubt of that sir said Rosalind with a blush as Mr Salteena

silently put 2/6 on the dirty toilet cover.

Take care of your bronkitis said Mr S. rarther bashfully and he

hastilly left the room waving his hand carelessly to the housemaid.

Come along cried Ethel powdering her nose in the hall let us get into

the cab. Mr Salteena did not care for powder but he was an

unselfish man so he dashed into the cab. Sit down said Ethel as the

cabman waved his whip you are standing on my luggage. Well I am paying

for the cab said Mr S. so I might be allowed to put my feet were I like.

They traveled 2nd class in the train and Ethel was longing to go first

but thought perhaps least said soonest mended. Mr Salteena got very

excited in the train about his visit. Ethel was calm but she felt

excited inside. Bernard has a big house said Mr. S. gazing at Ethel he

is inclined to be rich.

Oh indeed said Ethel looking at some cows flashing past the window.

Mr. S. felt rarther disheartened so he read the paper till the train

stopped and the porters shouted Rickamere station. We had better

collect our traps said Mr Salteena and just then a very exalted

footman in a cocked hat and olive green uniform put his head in

at the window. Are you for Rickamere Hall he said in impressive tones.

Well yes I am said Mr Salteena and so is this lady.

Very good sir said the noble footman if you will alight I will see to

your luggage there is a convayance awaiting you.

Oh thankyou thankyou said Mr. S. and he and Ethel stepped along the

platform. Outside they found a lovely cariage lined with olive green

cushons to match the footman and the horses had green bridles and bows

on their manes and tails. They got gingerly in. Will he bring our

luggage asked Ethel nervously.

I expect so said Mr Salteena lighting a very long cigar.

Do we tip him asked Ethel quietly.

Well no I dont think so not yet we had better just thank him

perlitely.

Just then the footman staggered out with the bagage. Ethel bowed

gracefully over the door of the cariage and Mr S. waved his hand

as each bit of luggage was hoisted up to make sure it was all there.

Then he said thankyou my good fellow very politely. Not at all sir said

the footman and touching his cocked hat he jumped actively to the box.

I was right not to tip him whispered Mr Salteena the thing to do is to

leave 2/6 on your dressing table when your stay is over.

Does he find it asked Ethel who did not really know at all how to go

on at a visit. I beleeve so replied Mr Salteena anyhow it is quite the

custom and we cant help it if he does not. Now my dear what do you

think of the sceenery

Very nice said Ethel gazing at the rich fur rug on her knees. Just

then the cariage rolled into a beautifull drive with tall trees and

big red flowers growing amid shiny dark leaves. Presently the haughty

coachman pulled up with a great clatter at a huge front door with tall

pillers each side a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers. The

doors flung open as if by majic causing Ethel to jump and a portly

butler appeared on the scene with a very shiny shirt front and a huge

pale face. Welcome sir he exclaimed good naturedly as Mr Salteena

alighted rarther quickly from the viacle and please to step inside.

Mr Salteena stepped in as bid followed by Ethel. The footman again

struggled with the luggage and the butler Francis Minnit by name

kindly lent a hand. The hall was very big and hung round with guns and

mate and ancesters giving it a gloomy but a grand air. The butler then

showed them down a winding corridoor till he came to a door which he

flung open shouting Mr Salteena and a lady sir.

A tall man of 29 rose from the sofa. He was rarther bent in the middle

with very nice long legs fairish hair and blue eyes. Hullo Alf old boy

he cried so you have got here all safe and no limbs broken.

None thankyou Bernard replied Mr Salteena shaking hands and let me

introduce Miss Monticue she is very pleased to come for this

visit. Oh yes gasped Ethel blushing through her red ruge. Bernard looked

at her keenly and turned a dark red. I am glad to see you he said I hope

you will enjoy it but I have not arranged any partys yet as I dont

know anybody.

Dont worry murmered Ethel I dont mix much in Socierty and she gave him

a dainty smile.

I expect you would like some tea said Bernard I will ring.

Yes indeed we should said Mr Salteena egerly. Bernard pealed on the

bell and the butler came in with a stately walk.

Tea please Minnit crid Bernard Clark. With pleshure sir replied Minnit

with a deep bow. A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kinds

of bread and butter a lovly jam role and lots of sugar cakes. Ethels

eyes began to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal. I

expect you would now like to unpack said Bernard when it was over.

Well yes that is rarther an idear said Mr Salteena.

I have given the best spare room to Miss Monticue said Bernard with a

gallant bow and yours turning to Mr Salteena opens out of it so you

will be nice and friendly both the rooms have big windows and a

handsome view.

How charming said Ethel. Yes well let us go up replied Bernard and he

led the way up many a winding stairway till they came to an oak door

with some lovly swans and bull rushes painted on it. Here we are he

cried gaily. Ethels room was indeed a handsome compartment with purple

silk curtains and a 4 post bed draped with the same shade. The toilit

set was white and mouve and there were some violets in a costly varse.

Oh I say cried Ethel in supprise. I am glad you like it said Bernard

and here we have yours Alf. He opened the dividing doors and

portrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and wild

primroses. My own room is next the bath room said Bernard it is

decerated dark red as I have somber tastes. The bath room has got a

tip up bason and a hose thing for washing your head.

A good notion said Mr Salteena who was secretly getting jellus.

Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this Chapter.

CHAPTER 3 - THE FIRST EVENING

When they had unpacked Mr Salteena and Ethel went downstairs to

dinner. Mr Salteena had put on a compleat evening suit as he thought

it was the correct idear and some ruby studs he had got at a sale.

Ethel had on a dress of yellaw silk covered with tulle which was quite

in the fashion and she had on a necklace which Mr Salteena gave her

for a birthday present. She looked very becomeing and pretty and

Bernard heaved a sigh as he gave her his arm to go into dinner. The

butler Minnit was quite ready for the fray standing up very stiff and

surrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white wigs who were

called Charles and Horace.

Well said Mr Salteena lapping up his turtle soup you have a

very sumpshous house Bernard.

His friend gave a weary smile and swollowed a few drops of sherry

wine. It is fairly decent he replied with a bashful glance at Ethel

after our repast I will show you over the premisis.

Many thanks said Mr Salteena getting rarther flustered with his forks.

You ourght to give a ball remarked Ethel you have such large

compartments.

Yes there is room enough sighed Bernard we might try a few steps and

meanwhile I might get to know a few peaple.

So you might responded Ethel giving him a speaking look.

Mr Salteena was growing a little peevish but he cheered up when the

Port wine came on the table and the butler put round some costly

finger bowls. He did not have any in his own house and he followed

Bernard Clarks advice as to what to do with them. After dinner Ethel

played some merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with

a rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal.

Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle. Then

Bernard said shall I show you over my domain and they strolled into

the gloomy hall.

I see you have a lot of ancesters said Mr Salteena in a jelous tone,

who are they.

Well said Bernard they are all quite correct. This is my aunt Caroline

she was rarther exentrick and quite old.

So I see said Mr Salteena and he passed on to a lady with a very tight

waist and quearly shaped. That is Mary Ann Fudge my grandmother I

think said Bernard she was very well known in her day.

Why asked Ethel who was rarther curious by nature.

Well I dont quite know said Bernard but she was and he moved away to

the next picture. It was of a man with a fat smiley face and a red

ribbon round him and a lot of medals. My great uncle Ambrose

Fudge said Bernard carelessly.

He looks a thourough ancester said Ethel kindly.

Well he was said Bernard in a proud tone he was really the Sinister

son of Queen Victoria.

Not really cried Ethel in excited tones but what does that mean.

Well I dont quite know said Bernard Clark it puzzles me very much but

ancesters do turn quear at times.

Peraps it means god son said Mr Salteena in an inteligent voice.

Well I dont think so said Bernard but I mean to find out.

It is very grand anyhow said Ethel.

It is that replied her host geniully.

Who is this said Mr Salteena halting at a picture of a lady holding up

some grapes and smiling a good deal.

Her name was called Minnie Pilato responded Bernard she was rarther

far back but a real relation and she was engaged to the earl of

Tullyvarden only it did not quite come off.

What a pity crid Ethel.

Yes it was rarther replied Bernard but she marrid a Captain in the

Navy and had seven children so she was quite alright.

Here Mr Salteena thourght he had better go to bed as he had had a long

jornney. Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskey

afterwards as he was rarther pious but Mr Salteena was not very

adicted to prayers so he marched up to bed. Ethel stayed as she

thourght it would be a good thing. The butler came in as he was a very

holy man and Bernard piously said the Our Father and a very good hymm

called I will keep my anger down and a Decad of the Rosary. Ethel

chimed in quiutly and Francis Minnit was most devout and Ethel

thourght what a good holy family she was stopping with. So I will end

my chapter.

CHAPTER 4 - MR SALTEENAS PLAN

Mr Salteena woke up rarther early next day and was supprised and

delighted to find Horace the footman entering with a cup of tea.

Oh thankyou my man said Mr Salteena rolling over in the costly bed. Mr

Clark is nearly out of the bath sir anounced Horace I will have great

plesure in turning it on for you if such is your desire. Well yes you

might said Mr Salteena seeing it was the idear and Horace gave a

profound bow.

Ethel are you getting up shouted Mr Salteena.

Very nearly replied Ethel faintly from the next room.

I say said Mr Salteena excitedly I have had some tea in bed.

So have I replied Ethel.

Then Mr Salteena got into a mouve dressing goun with yellaw tassles

and siezing his soap he wandered off to the bath room which was most

sumpshous. It had a lovly white shiny bath and sparkling taps and

several towels arrayed in readiness by thourghtful Horace. It also had

a step for climbing up the bath and other good dodges of a rich

nature. Mr Salteena washed himself well and felt very much better.

After brekfast Mr Salteena asked Bernard if he could have some privite

conversation with him. Well yes replied Bernard if you will come into

my study we can have a few words.

Cant I come too muttered Ethel sulkily.

No my dear said Mr Salteena this is privite.

Perhaps later I might have a privite chat with you Miss Monticue said

Bernard kindly.

Oh do lets said Ethel.

Then Bernard and Mr S. strolled to the study and sat upon two arm

chairs. Fire away said Bernard lighting his pipe. Well I cant exactly

do that said Mr Salteena in slow tones it is a searious matter and you

can advise me as you are a thorugh gentleman I am sure.

Well yes said Bernard what can I do for you eh Alf?

You can help me perhaps to be more like a gentleman said Mr Salteena

getting rarther hot I am quite alright as they say but I would like to

be the real thing can it be done he added slapping his knees.

I dont quite know said Bernard it might take a good time.

Might it said Mr S. but I would slave for years if need be. Bernard

scratched his head. Why dont you try the Crystal Pallace he asked

several peaple Earls and even dukes have privite compartments there.

But I am not an Earl said Mr Salteena in a purplexed tone.

True replied Bernard but I understand there are sort of students there

who want to get into the War Office and notable banks.

Would that be a help asked Mr Salteena egerly.

Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal the

Earl of Clincham who lives there he might rub you up and by mixing

with him you would probably grow more seemly.

Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there as soon as it

can be arranged if you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethel

while I am away.

Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a few days and she

could come too.

You are too kind said Mr Salteena and I dont think you will find her

any trouble.

No I dont think I shall said Bernard she is a pretty girl cheerful and

active. And he blushed rarther red.

CHAPTER 5 - THE CRYSTAL PALACE

About 9 oclock next morning Mr Salteena stood bag in hand in the

ancestle hall waiting for the viacle to convay him to the station.

Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated side by side on a costly sofa

gazing abstractly at the parting guest. Horace had dashed off to put

on his cocked hat as he was going in the baroushe but Francis Minnit

was roaming about the hall well prepared for any deed.

Well said Bernard puffing at his meershum pipe I hope you will get on

Alf I am sure you have that little letter to old Clincham eh

In deed I have said Mr Salteena many thanks for the same and I do hope

Ethel will behave properly.

Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh.

I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone.

Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound of hoofs and

a loud neigh. The barouche I take it said Bernard rising slowly.

Quite correct sir said Minnit flinging wide the portles.

Well goodbye Alf old man said Bernard Clark good luck and God bless

you he added in a pius tone.

Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which has been

short and sweet well goodbye Ethel my child he said as bag in hand he

proceeded to the door. Francis Minnit bowed low and handed a small

parcel to Mr Salteena a few sandwighs for the jorney sir he remarked.

Oh this is most kind said Mr Salteena.

Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile. Not kind sir he muttered

quite usual.

Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rather flabergasted well

goodbye my good fellow and he slipped 2/6 into the butlers open palm.

Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buy

the ticket which he presented with a low bow the Times and

Tit-Bits. Oh many thanks my man said Mr Salteena in a most airy

voice now will you find me a corner seat in the train eh.

If there is one sir replied Horace.

In got Mr Salteena to his first class carrage surrounded by his

luggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace. The other pasengers

looked full of envy at the curly white wig and green plush uniform of

Horace. Mr Salteena crossed his legs in a lordly way and flung a fur

rug over his knees though he was hot enough in all consciunce. He

began to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled as

he gently tapped the letter in his coat tail pocket. When Mr Salteena

arrived in London he began to strolle up the principle streets

thinking how gay all was. Presently he beheld a resterant with a big

Menu outside and he went boldly in.

It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty of looking

glasses. Many hansome ladies and gentlemen were already partaking of

choice food and rich wines and whiskey and the scene was most lively.

Mr Salteena had a little whiskey to make him feel more at home. Then

he eat some curry to the tune of a merry valse on the band. He beat

time to the music and smiled kindly at the waiters and he felt very

excited inside. I am seeing life with a vengance he muttered to

himself as he paid his bill at the desk. Outside Mr Salteena found a

tall policeman. Could you direct me to the Crystale Pallace if you

please said Mr Salteena nervously.

Well said the geniul policeman my advice would be to take a cab sir.

Oh would it said Mr Salteena then I will do so.

He hailed a Hansome and got speedily in to the Crystal Palace he cried

gaily and holding his bag on his knees he prepared to enjoy the sights

of the Metropilis. It was a merry drive and all too soon the Palace

heaved in view. Mr Salteena sprang out and paid the man and then he

entered the wondrous edifice. His heart beat very fast as two huge men

in gold braid flung open the doors. Inside was a lovely fountain in

the middle and all round were little stalls where you could buy sweets

and lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dainty articles. There

were a lot of peaple but nobody very noteable.

At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther nice sweets

which stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a wooden door on which was

nailed a notice saying To the Privite Compartments.

Ah ha said Mr Salteena to himself this is evidently my next move,

and he gently pushed open the door straitening his top hat as he did so.

Inside he found himself in a dimly lit passage with a thick and

handsom carpet. Mr Salteena gazed round and beheld in the gloom a very

superier gentleman in full evening dress who was reading a newspaper

and warming his hands on the hot water pipes. Mr Salteena advanced on

tiptoe and coughed gently as so far the gentleman had paid no

attention. However at the second cough he raised his eyes in a weary

fashion. do you want anything he asked in a most noble voice.

Mr Salteena got very flustered. Well I am seeking the Earl of Clincham

he began in a trembly voice are you by any chance him he added most

respectfully.

No not exacktly replied the other my name happens to be Edward

Procurio. I am half italian and I am the Groom of the Chambers.

What chambers asked Mr Salteena blinking his eyes.

These said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm.

Mr Salteena then noticed several red doors with names of people on

each one. Oh I see he said then perhaps you can tell me where the Earl

of Clincham is to be found.

At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio tritely of

course he may be out one never knows what they are up to.

I suppose not said Mr Salteena in an interested tone.

One can not gamble on anything really said Procurio returning to the

hot water pipes though of course I know a lot more than most peaple

about the inmates here.

What are the habbits of the Earl of Clincham said Mr Salteena.

Procurio gave a smile many and varius he replied I cant say much in my

position but one lives and learns. He heaved a sigh and shruged

his shoulders.

Well good day said Mr Salteena feeling better for the chat.

Procurio nodded in silence as Mr Salteena trotted off down the

passage. At last he came to a door labelled Clincham Earl of in big

letters. With a beating heart Mr Salteena pulled the bell and the door

swung open of its own accord. At the same moment a cheery voice rang

out from the distance. Come in please I am in the study first door on

left.

With a nervous bound Mr Salteena obeyd these directions and found

himself in a small but handsome compartment done in dark green lether

with crests on the chairs. Over the mantlepiece was hung the painting

of a lady in a low neck looking quite the thing. By the desk was

seated a tall man of 35 with very nice eyes of a twinkly nature and

curly hair he wore a quite plain suit of palest grey but well

made and on the table reposed a grey top hat which had evidently been

on his head recently. He had a rose in his button hole also a signet

ring.

Hullo said this pleasant fellow as Mr. Salteena was spell bound on

mat.

Hullo your Lord Ship responded our hero bowing low and dropping his

top hat do I adress the Earl of Clincham.

You do said the Earl with a homely smile and who do I adress eh.

Our hero bowed again Alfred Salteena he said in deep tones.

Oh I see said the kindly earl well come in my man and tell me who you

are.

Mr Salteena seated himself gingerly on the edge of a crested chair.

To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of import and I am not a

gentleman as they say he ended getting very red and hot.

Have some whiskey said lord Clincham and he poured the liquid into a

glass at his elbow. Mr. Salteena lapped it up thankfully.

Well my man said the good natured earl what I say is what dose it

matter we cant all be of the Blood royal can we.

No said Mr Salteena but I suppose you are.

Lord Clincham waved a careless hand. A small portion flows in my viens

he said but it dose not worry me at all and after all he added piously

at the Day of Judgement what will be the odds.

Mr Salteena heaved a sigh. I was thinking of this world he said.

Oh I see said the Earl but my own idear is that these things are as

piffle before the wind.

Not being an earl I cant say answered our hero but may I beg you to

read this letter my Lord. He produced Bernards note from his coat

tails. The Earl of Clincham took it in his long fingers. This is what

he read.

My dear Clincham

The bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not quite the

right side of the blanket as they say in fact he is the son of a

first rate butcher but his mother was a decent family called

Hyssopps of the Glen so you see he is not so bad and is desireus of

being the correct article. Could you rub him up a bit in Socierty

ways. I dont know much details about him but no doubt he will

supply all you need. I am keeping well and hope you are. I must run

up to the Compartments one day and look you up.

Yours as ever your faithfull friend

Bernard Clark.

The Earl gave a slight cough and gazed at Mr Salteena thourghtfully.

Have you much money he asked and are you prepared to spend a good

deal.

Oh yes quite gasped Mr Salteena I have plenty in the bank and £10 in

ready gold in my purse.

You see these compartments are the haunts of the Aristockracy said the

earl and they are kept going by peaple who have got something funny in

their family and who want to be less mere if you can comprehend.

Indeed I can said Mr Salteena.

Personally I am a bit parshial to mere people said his Lordship but

the point is that we charge a goodly sum for our training here but

however if you cant pay you need not join.

I can and will proclaimed Mr Salteena and he placed a £10 note on the

desk. His Lordship slipped it in his trouser pocket. It will be £42

before I have done with you he said but you can pay me here and there

as convenient.

Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena.

Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness. While here you will live

in compartments in the basement known as Lower Range. You will get

many hints from the Groom of the Chambers as to clothes and

ettiquett to menials. You will mix with me for grammer and I might take

you out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips. Also I

have lots of ladies partys which you will attend occasionally.

Mr Salteenas eyes flashed with excitement. I shall enjoy that he

cried.

His Lordship coughed loudly. You may not marry while under instruction

he said firmly.

Oh I shall not need to thankyou said Mr Salteena.

You must also decide on a profeshion said his Lordship as your

instruction will vary according.

Could I be anything at Buckingham Pallace said Mr Salteena with

flashing eyes.

Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you might perhaps

gallopp beside the royal baroushe if you care to try.

Oh indeed I should cried Mr Salteena I am very fond of fresh air and

royalties.

Well said the earl with a knowing smile I might arrange it with

the prince of Wales who I am rarther intimate with.

Not really gasped Mr Salteena.

Dear me yes remarked the earl carelessly and if we decide for you to

gallopp by the royal viacle you must be mesured for some plush

knickerbockers at once.

Mr Salteena glanced at his rarther fat legs and sighed.

Well I must go out now and call on a few Dowigers said his Lordship

picking up his elegent top hat. Well au revoir he added with a good

french accent.

Adieu my Lord cried Mr Salteena not to be out done we meet anon I take

it.

Not till tomorrow answered the earl you will now proceed to the lower

regions where you will no doubt find tea. He nodded kindly and glided

out in silence.

Here I will end my chapter.

CHAPTER 6 - HIGH LIFE

Mr Salteena awoke next morning in his small but pleasant room. It was

done in green and white with Monagrams on the toilit set. He had a

tiny white bed with a green quilt and a picture of the Nativaty and

one of Windsor Castle on the walls. The sun was shining over all these

things as Mr Salteena opened his sleepy eyes. Just then there was rat

tat on the door. Come in called Mr Salteena and in came Edward

Procurio ballancing a tray very cleverly. He looked most elegant with

his shiny black hair and pale yellow face and half shut eyes. He

smiled in a very mystearious and superier way as he placed the tray on

Mr Salteenas pointed knees.

Your early beverage he announced and began to pull up the blinds

still smiling to himself.

Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena feeling very towzld compared to this

grand fellow. Then to his great supprise Procurio began to open the

wardrobe and look at Mr Salteenas suits making italian exclamations

under his breath. Mr Salteena dare not say a word so he swollowed his

tea and eat a Marie biscuit hastilly. Presently Procurio advanced to

the bed with a bright blue serge suit. Will you wear this today sir he

asked quietly.

Oh certainly said Mr Salteena.

And a clean shirt would not come amiss said Procurio what about this

pale blue and white stripe.

With pleashure replied Mr Salteena. So Procurio laid them out in neat

array also a razer and brush for shaving. Then he opened a door saying

This is the bath room shall I turn on hot or cold.

I dont mind said Mr Salteena feeling very hot and ignorant.

It is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly.

Well I will try cold said Mr Salteena feeling it was more manly to say

that. Procurio bowed and beat a retreat to the bath room. Then he

returned and told Mr. Salteena that when he was washed he would find

his breakfast in the sitting room. When Mr Salteena was dressed in his

best blue suit and clean shirt he stroled into the sitting room where

a gay canary was singing fit to burst in the window and a copple of

doves cooing in a whicker cage. A cheery smell greeted him as Procurio

glided in with some steaming coffie. Mr Salteena felt more at home and

passed a few remarks about the weather. Procurio smiled and uncovered

some lovely kidnys on toast and as he did so bent and whispered in Mr

Salteenas ear you could have come in in your dressing gown.

Mr Salteena gave a start. Oh can I he said ten thousand thanks.

Then Procurio passed out and Mr Salteena finnished his kidneys and

chiruped to the birds and had a cigarette from a handsome purple box

which he found on the desk. Then Procurio entered once more and with a

bow said. His lordship is going to a levie this morning and thinks it

might amuse you to go too. Could you be ready by 11 oclock.

Oh yes what fun said Mr Salteena have you any notion what a levie is

my man.

Procurio gave a superier smile. It is a party given by the Queen to

very superier peaple but this one is given by the Prince of Wales as

the Queen is not quite her usual self today. It will be at Buckingham

palace so you will drive with his lordship.

Mr Salteena was fearfully excited. What shall I weare he gasped.

Well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers and a hat

with white feathers also garters and a star or two.

You supprise me said Mr Salteena I have none of those articles.

Well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his second best

cocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and I think with a little

thourght I might rig you up so as to pass muster.

Then they rumaged among Mr Salteenas things and Procurio got very

intelligent and advised Mr Salteena to were his black evening suit and

role up his trousers. He also lent him a pair of white silk stockings

which he fastened tightly round his knees with red rosettes. Then he

quickly cut out a star in silver paper and pinned it to his chest and

also added a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front. Then Mr

Salteena survayed himself in the glass. Is it a fancy dress party he

asked.

No they always were that kind of thing but wait till you see his

Lordship--if you are ready sir I will conduct you in.

Mr Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs till they came to

the Earls compartments and tapped on the bedroom door.

Come in cried a merry voice and in they strode.

I have done my best with Mr Salteena my lord I trust he will do the

hat of course will make a deal of diffrence.

Mr Salteena bowed nervously wishing he had got correct knickerbockers

as his trousers did not feel too firm in spite of the garters.

Not half bad cried the earl try on the hat Salteena it is on my bed.

Mr Salteena placed it on his head and the feathers and gold braid

became him very well but he felt very jellous of the earl who looked a

sight for the gods. He had proper satin knickerbockers with diamond

clasps and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed up his

long fine legs. He had a floppy shirt of softist muslin with real lace

collar and cuffs. A sword hung at his side and a crimson sash

was round his waist and a splendid cocked hat on his head. His blue

eyes twinkled as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves.

Well come on Salteena he cried and dont be nervus I will get you a

pair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get a hansome Procurio.

Presently the earl and Mr Salteena were clattering away to Buckingham

palace.

You wont mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssops do you said the earl

as he lit his pipe. You see you are sort of mixed up with the family

so it wont matter and will look better.

So it would said Mr Salteena what do we do at the levie.

Oh we strole round and eat ices and champaigne and that kind of thing

and sometimes there is a little music.

Is there any dancing asked Mr Salteena.

Well not always said the Earl.

I am glad of that said Mr Salteena I am not so nimble as I was

and my garters are a trifle tight.

Sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the earl if Her

Majesty is in that kind of a mood.

Just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr Salteena licked

his dry lips at sight of the vast crowd. All round were carrages full

of costly peaple and outside the railings stood tall Life Guards

keeping off the mere peaple who had gathered to watch the nobility

clatter up. Lord Clincham began to bow right and left raising his

cocked hat to his friends. There was a lot of laughter and friendly

words as the cab finally drew up at the front door. Two tall life

guards whisked open the doors and one of them kindly tipped the

cabman. Mr Salteena followed his lordship up the grand steps trying to

feel as homely as he could. Then a splendid looking fellow in a red

tunick and a sort of black velvit tam a shanter stepped forward

from the throng shouting what name please.

The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly replied the earl gently

nudging Mr Salteena to act up. Mr Salteena nodded and blinked at the

menial as much as to say all is well and then he and the earl hung up

their cocked hats on two pegs. This way cried a deep voice and another

menial apeared wearing stiff white britches top boots and a green

velvit coat with a leather belt also a very shiny top hat. They

followed this fellow down countless corridoors and finally came to big

folding doors. The earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg with

his white glove as calmly as could be. Mr Salteena purspired rarther

hard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure.

Then the portles divided and their names were shouted in chorus by

countless domesticks. The sumshious room was packed with men of a

noble nature dressed like the earl in satin knickerboccers etc and

with ladies of every hue with long trains and jewels by the

dozen. You could hardly moove in the gay throng. Dukes were as nought

as there were a good lot of princes and Arch Dukes as it was a very

superier levie indeed. The earl and Mr Salteena struggled through the

crowd till they came to a platform draped with white velvit. Here on a

golden chair was seated the prince of Wales in a lovely ermine cloak

and a small but costly crown. He was chatting quite genially with some

of the crowd.

Up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr Salteena.

Hullo Clincham cried the Prince quite homely and not at all grand so

glad you turned up--quite a squash eh.

A bit over powering your Highness said the earl who was quite used to

all this may I introduce my friend Lord Hyssops he is staying with me

so I thought I would bring him along if you dont mind Prince.

Not at all cried the genial prince looking rather surprised.

Mr Salteena bowed so low he nearly fell off the platform and as the

prince put out a hand Mr Salteena thought he had better kiss it. The

Prince smiled kindly I am pleased to see you Lord Hyssops he said in a

regal voice.

Then the Earl chipped in and how is the dear Queen he said reveruntly.

Not up to much said his Highness she feels the heat poor soul and he

waved to a placard which said in large letters The Queen is

indisposed.

Presently his Highness rose I think I will have a quiet glass of

champaigne he said you come too Clincham and bring your friend the

Diplomats are arriving and I am not much in the mood for deep talk I

have already signed a dozen documents so I have done my duty.

They all went out by a private door and found themselves in a smaller

but gorgous room. The Prince tapped on the table and instantly two

menials in red tunics appeared. Bring three glasses of champaigne

commanded the prince and some ices he added majestikally. The goods

appeared as if by majic and the prince drew out a cigar case and

passed it round.

One grows weary of Court Life he remarked.

Ah yes agreed the earl.

It upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry ice all I want

is peace and quiut and a little fun and here I am tied down to this

life he said taking off his crown being royal has many painfull

drawbacks.

True mused the Earl.

Silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from the next

room. Suddenly the prince gazed at Mr Salteena. Who did you say you

were he asked in a puzzled tone.

Lord Hyssops responded our hero growing purple at the lie.

Well you are not a bit like the Lord Hyssops I know replied the

Prince could you explain matters.

Mr Salteena gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown very pale and

seemed lost for the moment. However he quickly recovered.

He is quite alright really Prince he said His mother was called Miss

Hyssops of the Glen.

Indeed said his royal Highness that sounds correct but who was your

father eh.

Then Mr Salteena thourght he would not tell a lie so in trembly tones

he muttered My poor father was but a butcher your Highness a very

honest one I may add and passing rich he was called Domonic Salteena

and my name is Alfred Salteena.

The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rarther admired Mr Salteena

for his truthful utterance--Oh I see he said well why did you palm off

on my menials as Lord Hyssops eh

Mr Salteena wiped his swetting brow but the earl came to the

rescue nobly. My fault entirely Prince he chimed in, as I was bringing

him to this very supearier levie I thought it would be better to say he

was of noble birth have I offended your Royal dignity.

Not much said the prince it was a laudible notion and perhaps I will

ask Mr Salteena to one of my big balls some day.

Oh your Highness gasped our hero falling on one knee that would indeed

be a treat.

I suppose Prince you have not got a job going at this palace for my

friend asked the earl you see I am rubbing him up in socierty ways and

he fancies court life as a professhon.

Oh dose he said the prince blinking his eyes well I might see.

I suggested if there was a vacency going he might try cantering after

the royal barouche said the earl.

So he might said the prince I will speak to the prime Minister

about it and let you know.

Ten thousand thanks cried Mr Salteena bowing low.

Well now I must get along back to the levie announced the prince

putting on his crown I have booked a valse with the Arch duchess of

Greenwich and this is her favorite tune. So saying they issued back to

the big room where the nobility were whirling gaily roand the more

searious peaple such as the prime minister and the admirals etc were

eating ices and talking passionately about the laws in a low

undertone.

The earl was soon mingling gaily in a set of lancers but Mr Salteena

dare not because of his trousers. However he sat on a velvit chair and

quite enjoyed over hearing the intelligent conversation of the prime

minister. And now we will leave our hero enjoying his glimpse of high

life and return to Ethel Monticue.

CHAPTER 7 - BERNARDS IDEAR

After Mr Salteena had departed Bernard Clark thourght he would show

Ethel over his house so they spent a merry morning so doing. Ethel

passed bright remarks on all the rooms and Bernard thourght she was

most pretty and Ethel began to be a bit excited. After a lovly lunch

they sat in the gloomy hall and Ethel began to feel very glad Mr

Salteena was not there. Suddenly Bernard lit his pipe I was thinking

he said passionately what about going up to London for a weeks

Gaierty.

Who inquired Ethel in a low tone.

You and me said Bernard I know of several splendid hotels and we could

go to theaters and parties and enjoy ourselves to the full.

So we could what an idear cried Ethel.

So the merry plan was all arranged and they spent the afternoon in

packing there trunks. Next day they were all ready in the hall when

the handsome viacle once more clattered up. Ethel had on her blue

velvit get up and a sweet new hat and plenty of ruge on her face and

looked quite a seemly counterpart for Bernard who was arrayed in a

white and shiny mackintosh top boots and a well brushed top hat tied

on to him with a bit of black elastick.

Well goodbye Minnit he cried to the somber butler take care of your

gout and the silver and I will pay your wages when I come back.

Thankyou kindly sir murmured Minnit when may I expect your return.

Oh well I will wire he said and dashed doun the steps.

Ethel followed with small lady like steps having bowed perlitely to

Minnit who closed his eyes in acknowlegment of her kindness.

The sun was shining and Ethel had the feeling of going to a very jolly

party and felt so sorry for all the passers by who were not going to

London with Bernard.

Arrived in the gay city Bernard hailed a eab to the manner born and

got in followed by Ethel. Kindly drive us to the Gaierty Hotel he

cried in a firm tone. The cabman waved his whip and off they dashed.

We shall be highly comfortable and select at the Gaierty said Bernard

and he thourght to himself how lovly it would be if he was married to

Ethel. He blushed a deep shade at his own thourghts and gave a side

long glance at Ethel who was gazing out of the window. Well one never

knows he murmerd to himself and as one of the poets says great events

from trivil causes springs.

Just then they stopped at the gay hotel and Ethel was spellbound at

the size of the big hall--Bernard poked his head into the window of

the pay desk. Have you a coupple of bedrooms for self and young

lady he enquired in a lordly way.

A very handsome lady with golden hair and a lace apron glanced at a

book and hastilly replied Oh yes sir two beauties on the 1st floor

number 9 and 10.

Thankyou said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection.

None whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the

view is quite pleasant.

Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh.

Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile.

They went upstairs and entered number 9 a very fine compartment with a

large douny bed and white doors with glass handles leading into number

10 an equally dainty room but a trifle smaller.

Which will you have Ethel asked Bernard.

Oh well I would rarther you settled it said Ethel. I am willing

to abide by your choice.

The best shall be yours then said Bernard bowing gallantly and

pointing to the biggest room.

Ethel blushed at his speaking look. I shall be quite lost in that huge

bed she added to hide her embarassment.

Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now what about a little table

d'ote followed by a theater.

Oh yes cried Ethel and downstairs they went.

CHAPTER 8 - A GAY CALL

I tell you what Ethel said Bernard Clark about a week later we might

go and pay a call on my pal the Earl of Clincham.

Oh do lets cried Ethel who was game for any new adventure I would

dearly love to meet his lordship.

Bernard gave a frown of jellousy at her rarther mere words.

Well dress in your best he muttered.

Ethel skipped into her bedroom and arrayd herself in a grass green

muslin of decent cut a lace scarf long faun colored kid gloves and a

muslin hat to correspond. She carried a parasole in one hand also a

green silk bag containing a few stray hair pins a clean handkerchief

five shillings and a pot of ruge in case. She looked a dainty vishen

with her fair hair waving in the breeze and Bernard bit his lips

rarther hard for he could hardly contain himself and felt he must

marry Ethel soon. He looked a handsome sight himself in some exquisite

white trousers with a silk shirt and a pale blue blazer belt and cap.

He wore this in honour of the earl who had been to Cambridge in his

youth and so had Bernard Clark.

At last they found themselves in the entrance hall of the Crystale

palace and speedily made their way to the privite compartments. Edward

Procurio was walking up and down the passage looking dark and

mystearious as usual.

Is His Lordship at home cried Bernard Clark cheerily.

Which one asked Procurio many lords live here he said scornfully.

Well I mean the Earl of Clincham said Bernard.

Oh yes he is in responded Procurio and to the best of my belief giving

a party.

Indeed ejaculated Bernard we have come in the nick of time Ethel he

added. Yes said Ethel in an excited tone.

Then they pealed on the bell and the door flew open. Sounds of

laughter and comic songs issued from the abode and in a second they

were in the crowded drawing room. It was packed with all the Elite and

a stout duchess with a good natured face was singing a lively song and

causing much merriment. The earl strode forward at sight of two new

comers. Hullo Bernard old boy he cried this is a pleasure and who have

you got with you he added glancing at Ethel.

Oh this is Miss Monticue said Bernard shall I introduce you----

If you will be so good said the Earl in an affable tone and Bernard

hastily performed the right. Ethel began a bright conversatiun while

Bernard stroled off to see if he could find any friends amid the

throng.

What pleasant compartments you have cried Ethel in rarther a socierty

tone.

Fairly so so responded the Earl do you lire in London he added in a

loud tone as someone was playing a very difficult peice on the piano.

Well no I dont said Ethel my home is really in Northumberland but I am

at present stopping with Mr Clark at the Gaierty Hotel she continud in

a somewhat showing off tone.

Oh I see said the earl well shall I introduce you to a few of my

friends.

Of please do said Ethel with a dainty blow at her nose.

The earl disserppeard into the madding crowd and presently came back

with a middle aged gentleman. This is Lord Hyssops he said my friend

Miss Monticue he added genially.

Ethel turned a dull yellaw. Lord Hyssops she said in a faint voice why

it is Mr Salteena I know him well.

Hush cried the Earl it is a title bestowd recently by my friend the

Prince of Wales.

Yes indeed murmered Mr Salteena deeply flabbergasted by the ready wit

of the earl.

Oh indeed said Ethel in a peevish tone well how do you come to be

here.

I am stopping with his Lordship said Mr Salteena and have a set of

compartments in the basement so there.

I dont care said huffy Ethel I am in handsome rooms at the Gaierty.

Nothing could be nicer I am sure struck in the earl what do you say

Hyssops eh.

Doubtless it is charming said Mr Salteena who was wanting peace tell

me Ethel how did you leave Bernard.

I have not left him said Ethel in an annoying voice I am stopping with

him at the gaierty and we have been to lots of theaters and dances.

Well I am glad you are enjoying yourself said Mr Salteena kindly you

had been looking pale of late.

No wonder in your stuffy domain cried Ethel well have you got any more

friends she added turning to the earl.

Well I will see said the obliging earl and he once more disapeared.

I dont know why you should turn against me Ethel said Mr Salteena in a

low tone.

Ethel patted her hair and looked very sneery. Well I call it very

mystearious you going off and getting a title said Ethel and I think

our friendship had better stop as no doubt you will soon be marrying a

duchess or something.

Not at all said Mr Salteena you must know Ethel he said blushing a

deep red I always wished to marry you some fine day.

This is news to me cried Ethel still peevish.

But not to me murmered Mr Salteena and his voice trembled in his

chest. I may add that I have always loved you and now I seem to do so

madly he added passionately.

But I dont love you responded Ethel.

But if you married me you might get to said Mr Salteena.

I think not replied Ethel and all the same it is very kind of you to

ask me and she smiled more nicely at him.

This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will

be sour grapes and ashes without you.

Be a man said Ethel in a gentle whisper and I shall always think of

you in a warm manner.

Well half a loaf is better than no bread responded Mr Salteena in a

gloomy voice and just then the earl reappeard with a very brisk lady

in a tight silk dress whose name was called Lady Gay Finchling and her

husband was a General but had been dead a few years. So this is Miss

Monticue she began in a rarther high voice. Oh yes said Ethel and Mr

Salteena wiped the foaming dew from his forehead. Little did Lady

Gay Finchling guess she had just disturbed a proposal of marrage.

The Earl chimed into the conversation now and again and Lady Gay

Finchling told several rarther witty stories to enliven the party.

Then Bernard Clark came up and said they had better be going.

Well goodbye Clincham he said I must say I have enjoyed this party

most rechauffie I call it dont you Ethel.

Most cried Ethel I suppose you often come she added in a tone of envy

to Lady Gay Finchling.

Pretty often said Lady G. F. well goodbye as I see you are in a hurry

to be off and she dashed off towards the refreshment place.

Goodbye Ethel said poor Mr Salteena in a spasam and he seized hold of

her hand you will one day rue your wicked words farewell he repeated

emphatically.

Oh well goodbye said Ethel in a vage tone and then turning to the earl

she said I have enjoyed myself very much thankyou.

Please dont mention it cried the earl well goodbye Bernard he added I

shall look you up some day at your hotel.

Yes do muttered Bernard always welcome Clincham old boy he added

placing his blue crickit cap on his head and so saying he and Ethel

left the gay scene and once more oozed fourth into the streets of

London.

CHAPTER 9 - A PROPOSALE

Next morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath his pink silken

quilt Bernard decided he must marry Ethel with no more delay. I love

the girl he said to himself and she must be mine but I somehow feel I

can not propose in London it would not be seemly in the city of

London. We must go for a day in the country and when surrounded by the

gay twittering of the birds and the smell of the cows I will lay my

suit at her feet and he waved his arm wildly at the gay thought. Then

he sprang from bed and gave a rat tat at Ethels door.

Are you up my dear he called.

Well not quite said Ethel hastilly jumping from her downy nest.

Be quick cried Bernard I have a plan to spend a day near Windsor

Castle and we will take our lunch and spend a happy day.

Oh Hurrah shouted Ethel I shall soon be ready as I had my bath last

night so wont wash very much now.

No dont said Bernard and added in a rarther fervent tone through the

chink of the door you are fresher than the rose my dear no soap could

make you fairer.

Then he dashed off very embarrased to dress. Ethel blushed and felt a

bit excited as she heard the words and she put on a new white muslin

dress in a fit of high spirits. She looked very beautifull with some

red roses in her hat and the dainty red ruge in her cheeks looked

quite the thing. Bernard heaved a sigh and his eyes flashed as he

beheld her and Ethel thorght to herself what a fine type of manhood he

reprisented with his nice thin legs in pale broun trousers and well

fitting spats and a red rose in his button hole and rarther a sporting

cap which gave him a great air with its quaint check and little

flaps to pull down if necesarry. Off they started the envy of all the

waiters.

They arrived at Windsor very hot from the jorney and Bernard at once

hired a boat to row his beloved up the river. Ethel could not row but

she much enjoyed seeing the tough sunburnt arms of Bernard tugging at

the oars as she lay among the rich cushons of the dainty boat. She had

a rarther lazy nature but Bernard did not know of this. However he

soon got dog tired and sugested lunch by the mossy bank.

Oh yes said Ethel quickly opening the sparkling champaigne.

Dont spill any cried Bernard as he carved some chicken.

They eat and drank deeply of the charming viands ending up with

merangs and choclates.

Let us now bask under the spreading trees said Bernard in a passiunate

tone.

Oh yes lets said Ethel and she opened her dainty parasole and

sank down upon the long green grass. She closed her eyes but she was far

from asleep. Bernard sat beside her in profound silence gazing at her

pink face and long wavy eye lashes. He puffed at his pipe for some

moments while the larks gaily caroled in the blue sky. Then he edged a

trifle closer to Ethels form.

Ethel he murmured in a trembly voice.

Oh what is it said Ethel hastily sitting up.

Words fail me ejaculated Bernard horsly my passion for you is intense

he added fervently. It has grown day and night since I first beheld

you.

Oh said Ethel in supprise I am not prepared for this and she lent back

against the trunk of the tree.

Bernard placed one arm tightly round her. When will you marry me Ethel

he uttered you must be my wife it has come to that I love you so

intensly that if you say no I shall perforce dash my body to the

brink of yon muddy river he panted wildly.

Oh dont do that implored Ethel breathing rarther hard.

Then say you love me he cried.

Oh Bernard she sighed fervently I certinly love you madly you are to

me like a Heathen god she cried looking at his manly form and handsome

flashing face I will indeed marry you.

How soon gasped Bernard gazing at her intensly.

As soon as possible said Ethel gently closing her eyes.

My Darling whispered Bernard and he seiezed her in his arms we will be

marrid next week.

Oh Bernard muttered Ethel this is so sudden.

No no cried Bernard and taking the bull by both horns he kissed her

violently on her dainty face. My bride to be he murmered several

times.

Ethel trembled with joy as she heard the mistick words.

Oh Bernard she said little did I ever dream of such as this and she

suddenly fainted into his out stretched arms.

Oh I say gasped Bernard and laying the dainty burden on the grass he

dashed to the waters edge and got a cup full of the fragrant river to

pour on his true loves pallid brow.

She soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile Take me back to the

Gaierty hotel she whispered faintly.

With plesure my darling said Bernard I will just pack up our viands

ere I unloose the boat.

Ethel felt better after a few drops of champagne and began to tidy her

hair while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm

they tottered to the boat.

I trust you have not got an illness my darling murmured Bernard as he

helped her in.

Oh no I am very strong said Ethel I fainted from joy she added to

explain matters.

Oh I see said Bernard handing her a cushon well some people do he

added kindly and so saying they rowed down the dark stream now flowing

silently beneath a golden moon. All was silent as the lovers glided

home with joy in their hearts and radiunce on their faces only the

sound of the mystearious water lapping against the frail vessel broke

the monotony of the night.

So I will end my chapter.

CHAPTER 10 - PREPARING FOR THE FRAY

The next few days were indeed bussy for Ethel and Bernard. First of

all Ethel got some dainty pink note paper with silver crest on it and

sent out invitations in the following terms to all their frends.

Miss Ethel Monticue will be married to

Mr Bernard Clark at Westminster Abbey

on June 10th. Your company is requested

there at 2-30 sharp and afterwards

for refreshment at the Gaierty Hotel.

R.S.V.P.

Having posted heaps of these and got several replies Ethel began to

order her wedding dress which cost a good bit. She chose a rich satin

with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long

train edged with Airum lilies. Her veil was of pure lace with a

crown of orange blossum. Her bouquett she ordered to be of white dog

daisies St. Joseph lilies and orange blossums tied up with pale blue

satin ribbon.

You will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as

they left the shop. Then they drove to the tailor where Bernard

ordered an elligant black suit with coat tails lined with crimson

satin and a pale lavender tie and an opera hat of the same hue and he

intended to wear violets in his buttonholes also his best white spats

diamond studs and a few extras of costly air. They both ordered a lot

of new clothes besides and Bernard gave Ethel a very huge tara made of

rubies and diamonds also two rich bracelets and Ethel gave him a bran

new trunk of shiny green leather. The earl of Clincham sent a charming

gift of some hem stitched sheets edged with real lace and a photo of

himself in a striking attitude. Mr Salteena sent Ethel a bible

with a few pious words of advice and regret and he sent Bernard a very

handy little camp stool. Ethels parents were too poor to come so far but

her Mother sent her a gold watch which did not go but had been some years

in the family and her father provided a cheque for £2 and promised to

send her a darling little baby calf when ready. Then they ordered the

most splendid refreshments they had tea and coffie and sparkling wines

to drink also a lovly wedding cake of great height with a sugar angel

at the top holding a sword made of almond paste. They had countless

cakes besides also ices jelly merangs jam tarts with plenty of jam on

each some cold tongue some ham with salid and a pig's head done up in

a wondrous manner. Ethel could hardly contain herself as she gazed at

the sumpshious repast and Bernard gave her a glass of rich wine while

he imbibed some whiskey before going to bed. Ethel got speedilly into

her bed for the last time at the dear old Gaierty and shed a few

salt tears thinking of her past life but she quickly cheerd up and began

to plan about how many children she would have. I hope I shall have a

good lot she thourght to herself and so saying fell into repose.

CHAPTER 11 - THE WEDDING

The Abbey was indeed thronged next day when Ethel and Bernard cantered

up in a very fine carrage drawn by two prancing steeds who foamed a

good deal. In the porch stood several clean altar boys who conducted

the lucky pair up the aile while the organ pealed a merry blast The

mighty edifice was packed and seated in the front row was the Earl of

Clincham looking very brisk as he was going to give Ethel away at the

correct moment. Beside him sat Mr Salteena all in black and looking

bitterly sad and he ground his teeth as Ethel came marching up. There

were some merry hymns and as soon as Ethel and Bernard were one the

clergyman began a sermon about Adam and Eve and the serpent and

Mr Salteena cried into his large handkerchief and the earl kept on

nudging him as his sniffs were rarther loud. Then the wedding march

pealed fourth and doun the church stepped Ethel and Bernard as husband

and wife. Into the cab they got and speedelly dashed off to the

Gaierty. The wedding refreshments were indeed a treat to all and even

Mr Salteena cheered up when he beheld the wedding cake and sparkling

wines. Then the earl got up and made a very fine speech about marrage

vows and bliss and he quoted several good bits from the bible which

got a lot of applause. Bernard replied in good round terms. I thank

your lordship for those kind remarks he said in clear tones I expect

we shall be as happy as a lark and I hope you will all be ditto some

day. Here Here muttered a stray lady in the crowd and down sat Bernard

while Ethel went up to change her wedding garment for a choice pink

velvit dress with a golden gurdle and a very chick tocque. Bernard

also put on a new suit of blue stripe and some silk socks and

clean under clothing. Hurah hurah shouted the guests as the pair

reappeard in the aforesaid get ups. Then everybody got a bag of rice and

sprinkled on the pair and Mr Salteena sadly threw a white tennis shoe

at them wiping his eyes the while. Off drove the happy pair and the

guests finished up the food. The happy pair went to Egypt for there

Honymoon as they thought it would be a nice warm spot and they had

never seen the wondrous land. Ethel was a bit sick on the boat but

Bernard braved the storm in manly style. However Ethel had recovered

by the time they got to Egypt and here we will leave them for a merry

six weeks of bliss while we return to England.

CHAPTER 12 - HOW IT ENDED

Mr Salteena by the aid of the earl and the kindness of the Prince of

Wales managed to get the job his soul craved and any day might be seen

in Hyde park or Pickadilly galloping madly after the Royal Carrage in

a smart suit of green velvit with knickerbockers compleat. At first he

was rarther terrified as he was not used to riding and he found his

horse bumped him a good deal and he had to cling on desperatly to its

flowing main. At other times the horse would stop dead and Mr Salteena

would use his spurs and bad languige with no avail. But he soon got

more used to his fresh and sultry steed and His Royal Highness seemed

satisfide.

The Earl continued his merry life at the Compartments till

finally he fell in love with one of the noble ladies who haunted them.

She was not so pretty as Ethel as she had rarther a bulgy figure and

brown eyes but she had lovely raven tresses a pointed nose and a rose

like complexion of a dainty hue. She had very nice feet and plenty of

money. Her name was called Lady Helena Herring and her age was 25 and

she mated well with the earl.

Mr Salteena grew very lonely after the earl was marrid and he could

not bear a single life any more so failing Ethel he marrid one of the

maids in waiting at Buckingham palace by name Bessie Topp a plesant

girl of 18 with a round red face and rarther stary eyes.

So now that all our friends are marrid I will add a few words about

their familys. Ethel and Bernard returned from their Honymoon with a

son and hair a nice fat baby called Ignatius Bernard. They soon

had six more children four boys and three girls and some of them were

twins which was very exciting.

The Earl only got two rarther sickly girls called Helen and Marie

because the last one looked slightly french.

Mr Salteena had a large family of 10 five of each but he grew very

morose as the years rolled by and his little cottage was very noisy

and his wife was a bit annoying at times especially when he took to

dreaming of Ethel and wishing he could have marrid her. Still he was a

pius man in his way and found relief in prayer.

Bernard Clark was the happiest of our friends as he loved Ethel to the

bitter end and so did she him and they had a nice house too.

The Earl soon got tired of his sickly daughters and his wife had a

savage temper so he thourght he would divorce her and try again but he

gave up the idear after several attempts and decided to offer

it up as a Mortification.

So now my readers we will say farewell to the characters in this book.

The End

by Daisy Ashford