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Fruits of Culture
By
Leo Tolstoy
Contents
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&nb=
sp;
FRUITS OF CULTURE
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&nb=
sp;
A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS
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&nb=
sp;
(1889)
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH
ZVEZDÍNTSEF. A retired Lieutenant of the Horse Guards. Owner of more=
than
60,000 acres of land in various provinces. A fresh-looking, bland, agreeable
gentleman of 60. Believes in Spiritualism, and likes to astonish people with
his wonderful stories.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
ZVEZDÍNTSEVA. Wife of Leoníd. Stout; pretends to be young; qu=
ite
taken up with the conventionalities of life; despises her husband, and blin=
dly
believes in her doctor. Very irritable.
BETSY. Their
daughter. A young woman of 20, fast, tries to be mannish, wears a pince-nez,
flirts and giggles. Speaks very quickly and distinctly.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH ZVEZDÍNTSEF. Their son, aged 25; has studied law, =
but has
no definite occupation. Member of the Cycling Club, Jockey Club, and of the
Society for Promoting the Breeding of Hounds. Enjoys perfect health, and has
imperturbable self-assurance. Speaks loud and abruptly. Is either perfectly
serious--almost morose, or is noisily gay and laughs loud. Is nicknamed Vov=
o.
ALEXÉY
VLADÍMIRITCH KROUGOSVÉTLOF. A professor and scientist of abou=
t 50,
with quiet and pleasantly self-possessed manners, and quiet, deliberate,
harmonious speech. Likes to talk. Is mildly disdainful of those who do not
agree with him. Smokes much. Is lean and active.
THE DOCTOR. About=
40.
Healthy, fat, red-faced, loud-voiced, and rough; with a self-satisfied smile
constantly on his lips.
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. A girl of 20, from the Conservatoire, teacher of mus=
ic.
Wears a fringe, and is super-fashionably dressed. Obsequious, and gets easi=
ly
confused.
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
About 28; has taken his degree in philology, and is looking out for a posit=
ion.
Member of the same clubs as Vasíly Leoníditch, and also of the
Society for the Organisation of Calico Balls.[1] Is bald-headed, quick in
movement and speech, and very polite.
[1] Economical balls at which the =
ladies
are bound to appear in dresses made of cotton materi=
als.
THE BARONESS. A
pompous lady of about 50, slow in her movements, speaks with monotonous
intonation.
THE PRINCESS. A
society woman, a visitor.
HER DAUGHTER. An
affected young society woman, a visitor.
THE COUNTESS. An
ancient dame, with false hair and teeth. Moves with great difficulty.
GROSSMAN. A dark,
nervous, lively man of Jewish type. Speaks very loud.
THE FAT LADY:
MÁRYA VASÍLEVNA TOLBOÚHINA. A very distinguished, rich=
, and
kindly woman, acquainted with all the notable people of the last and present
generations. Very stout. Speaks hurriedly, trying to be heard above every o=
ne
else. Smokes.
BARON KLÍN=
GEN
(nicknamed KOKO). A graduate of Petersburg University. Gentleman of the
Bedchamber, Attaché to an Embassy. Is perfectly correct in his
deportment, and therefore enjoys peace of mind and is quietly gay.
TWO SILENT LADIES=
.
SERGÉY
IVÁNITCH SAHÁTOF. About 50, an ex-Assistant Minister of State=
. An
elegant gentleman, of wide European culture, engaged in nothing and interes=
ted
in everything. His carriage is dignified and at times even severe.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Personal attendant on Zvezdíntsef, aged about 60. A=
man
of some education and fond of information. Uses his pince-nez and pocket-ha=
ndkerchief
too much, unfolding the latter very slowly. Takes an interest in politics. =
Is
kindly and sensible.
GREGORY. A footma=
n,
about 28, handsome, profligate, envious, and insolent.
JACOB. Butler, ab=
out
40, a bustling, kindly man, to whom the interests of his family in the vill=
age
are all-important.
SIMON. The butler=
's
assistant, about 20, a healthy, fresh, peasant lad, fair, beardless as yet;
calm and smiling.
THE COACHMAN. A m=
an
of about 35, a dandy. Has moustaches but no beard. Rude and decided.
A DISCHARGED
MAN-COOK. About 45, dishevelled, unshaved, bloated, yellow and trembling.
Dressed in a ragged, light summer-overcoat and dirty trousers. Speaks hoars=
ely,
ejecting the words abruptly.
THE SERVANTS' COO=
K. A
talkative, dissatisfied woman of 30.
THE DOORKEEPER. A
retired soldier.
TÁNYA
(TATYÁNA MÁRKOVNA). Lady's-maid, 19, energetic, strong, merry=
, with
quickly-changing moods. At moments, when strongly excited, she shrieks with
joy.
FIRST PEASANT. Ab=
out
60. Has served as village Elder. Imagines that he knows how to treat
gentlefolk, and likes to hear himself talk.
SECOND PEASANT. A=
bout
45, head of a family. A man of few words. Rough and truthful. The father of
Simon.
THIRD PEASANT. Ab=
out
70. Wears shoes of plaited bast. Is nervous, restless, hurried, and tries to
cover his confusion by much talking.
FIRST FOOTMAN (in
attendance on the Countess). An old man, with old-fashioned manners, and pr=
oud
of his place.
SECOND FOOTMAN. Of
enormous size, strong, and rude.
A PORTER FROM A
FASHIONABLE DRESSMAKER'S SHOP. A fresh-faced man in dark-blue long coat. Sp=
eaks
firmly, emphatically, and clearly.
The action takes
place in Moscow, in Zvezdíntsef's house.
FRUITS
OF CULTURE
The entrance hall of a
wealthy house in Moscow. There are three doors: the front =
door,
the door of Leoníd Fyódoritch's study, and the door of
Vasíly Leoníditch's room. A staircase leads up to the other rooms; behi=
nd it
is another door leading to the servants' quarters.
SCENE 1.
GREGORY [looks at himself in the glass and arranges his hair, &c.] I am sorry about those moustaches of mine! "Moustaches are not becoming to a footman," s= he says! And why? Why, so that any one might see you're a footman,--else my lo= oks might put her darling son to shame. He's a likely one! There's not much fea= r of his coming anywhere near me, moustaches or no moustaches! [Smiling into the glass] And what a lot of 'em swarm round me. And yet I don't care for any of them as much as for that Tánya. And she only a lady's-maid! Ah well, she's nicer than any young lady. [Smiles] She is a duck! [Listening] Ah, he= re she comes. [Smiles] Yes, that's her, clattering with her little heels. Oh!<= o:p>
Enter Tánya, ca=
rrying
a cloak and boots.
GREGORY. My respe=
cts
to you, Tatyána Márkovna.
TÁNYA. What
are you always looking in the glass for? Do you think yourself so good-look=
ing?
GREGORY. Well, and
are my looks not agreeable?
TÁNYA. So,=
so;
neither agreeable nor disagreeable, but just betwixt and between! Why are a=
ll
those cloaks hanging there?
GREGORY. I am just
going to put them away, your ladyship! [Takes down a fur cloak and, wrappin=
g it
round her, embraces her] I say, Tánya, I'll tell you something ...
TÁNYA. Oh,=
get
away, do! What do you mean by it? [Pulls herself angrily away] Leave me alo=
ne,
I tell you!
GREGORY [looks
cautiously around] Then give me a kiss!
TÁNYA. Now,
really, what are you bothering for? I'll give you such a kiss! [Raises her =
hand
to strike].
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [off the scene, rings and then shouts] Gregory!
TÁNYA. The=
re
now, go! Vasíly Leoníditch is calling you.
GREGORY. He'll wa=
it!
He's only just opened his eyes! I say, why don't you love me?
TÁNYA. What
sort of loving have you imagined now? I don't love anybody.
GREGORY. That's a
fib. You love Simon! You have found a nice one to love--a common, dirty-paw=
ed
peasant, a butler's assistant!
TÁNYA. Nev=
er
mind; such as he is, you are jealous of him!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [off the scene] Gregory!
GREGORY. All in g=
ood
time.... Jealous indeed! Of what? Why, you have only just begun to get lick=
ed
into shape, and who are you tying yourself up with? Now, wouldn't it be
altogether a different matter if you loved me?... I say, Tánya ...
TÁNYA [ang=
rily
and severely] You'll get nothing from me, I tell you!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [off the scene] Gregory!!
GREGORY. You're
mighty particular, ain't you?
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [off the scene, shouts persistently, monotonously, and wi=
th
all his might] Gregory! Gregory! Gregory! [Tánya and Gregory laugh].=
GREGORY. You shou=
ld
have seen the girls that have been sweet on me. [Bell rings].
TÁNYA. Well
then, go to them, and leave me alone!
GREGORY. You are a
silly, now I think of it. I'm not Simon!
TÁNYA. Sim=
on
means marriage, and not tomfoolery!
Enter Porter, carrying=
a
large cardboard box.
PORTER. Good morn=
ing!
GREGORY. Good
morning! Where are you from?
PORTER. From
Bourdey's. I've brought a dress, and here's a note for the lady.
TÁNYA [tak=
ing
the note] Sit down, and I'll take it in. [Exit].
Vasíly
Leoníditch looks out of the door in shirt-sleeves and slippers.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Gregory!
GREGORY. Yes, sir=
.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Gregory! Don't you hear me call?
GREGORY. I've only
just come, sir.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Hot water, and a cup of tea.
GREGORY. Yes, sir;
Simon will bring them directly.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. And who is this? Ah, from Bourdier?
PORTER. Yes, sir.=
Exeunt Vasíly
Leoníditch and Gregory. Bell rings. Tánya runs in at the sound of the =
bell
and opens the front door.
TÁNYA [to
Porter] Please wait a little.
PORTER. I am wait=
ing.
Sahátof enters =
at
front door.
TÁNYA. I b=
eg
your pardon, but the footman has just gone away. This way, sir. Allow me,
please. [Takes his fur cloak].
SAHÁTOF
[adjusting his clothes] Is Leoníd Fyódoritch at home? Is he u=
p? [Bell
rings].
TÁNYA. Oh =
yes,
sir. He's been up a long time.
Doctor enters and looks
round for the footman. Sees Sahátof and addresses him in =
an
offhand manner.
DOCTOR. Ah, my
respects to you!
SAHÁTOF [l=
ooks
fixedly at him] The Doctor, I believe?
DOCTOR. And I tho=
ught
you were abroad! Dropped in to see Leoníd Fyódoritch?
SAHÁTOF. Y=
es.
And you? Is any one ill?
DOCTOR [laughing]=
Not
exactly ill, but, you know ... It's awful with these ladies! Sits up at car=
ds
till three every morning, and pulls her waist into the shape of a wine-glas=
s.
And the lady is flabby and fat, and carries the weight of a good many years=
on
her back.
SAHÁTOF. Is
this the way you state your diagnosis to Anna Pávlovna? I should har=
dly
think it quite pleases her!
DOCTOR [laughing]
Well, it's the truth. They do all these tricks--and then come derangements =
of
the digestive organs, pressure on the liver, nerves, and all sorts of thing=
s,
and one has to come and patch them up. It's just awful! [Laughs] And you? Y=
ou
are also a spiritualist it seems?
SAHÁTOF. I?
No, I am not also a spiritualist.... Good morning! [Is about to go, but is
stopped by the Doctor].
DOCTOR. No! But I
can't myself, you know, positively deny the possibility of it, when a man l=
ike
Krougosvétlof is connected with it all. How can one? Is he not a
professor,--a European celebrity? There must be something in it. I should l=
ike
to see for myself, but I never have the time. I have other things to do.
SAHÁTOF. Y=
es,
yes! Good morning. [Exit, bowing slightly].
DOCTOR [to
Tánya] Is Anna Pávlovna up?
TÁNYA. She=
's
in her bedroom, but please come up.
Doctor goes upstairs.<= o:p>
Theodore Ivánit=
ch
enters with a newspaper in his hand.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [to Porter] What is it you want?
PORTER. I'm from
Bourdey's. I brought a dress and a note, and was told to wait.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Ah, from Bourdey's! [To Tánya] Who came in just now=
?
TÁNYA. It =
was
Sergéy Ivánitch Sahátof and the Doctor. They stood tal=
king
here a bit. It was all about spiritalism.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [correcting her] Spiritualism.
TÁNYA. Yes,
that's just what I said--spiritalism. Have you heard how well it went off l=
ast
time, Theodore Ivánitch? [Laughs] There was knocks, and things flew
about!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. And how do you know?
TÁNYA. Miss
Elizabeth told me.
Jacob runs in with a t=
umbler
of tea on a tray.
JACOB [to the Por=
ter]
Good morning!
PORTER
[disconsolately] Good morning!
Jacob knocks at
Vasíly Leoníditch's door.
Gregory enters.
GREGORY. Give it
here.
JACOB. You didn't
bring back all yesterday's tumblers, nor the tray Vasíly
Leoníditch had. And it's me that have to answer for them!
GREGORY. The tray=
is
full of cigars.
JACOB. Well, put =
them
somewhere else. It's me who's answerable for it.
GREGORY. I'll bri=
ng
it back! I'll bring it back!
JACOB. Yes, so you
say, but it is not where it ought to be. The other day, just as the tea had=
to
be served, it was not to be found.
GREGORY. I'll bri=
ng
it back, I tell you. What a fuss!
JACOB. It's easy =
for
you to talk. Here am I serving tea for the third time, and now there's the
lunch to get ready. One does nothing but rush about the livelong day. Is th=
ere
any one in the house who has more to do than me? Yet they are never satisfi=
ed
with me.
GREGORY. Dear me?=
Who
could wish for any one more satisfactory? You're such a fine fellow!
TÁNYA. Nob=
ody
is good enough for you! You alone ...
GREGORY [to
Tánya] No one asked your opinion! [Exit].
JACOB. Ah well, I
don't mind. Tatyána Márkovna, did the mistress say anything a=
bout
yesterday?
TÁNYA. Abo=
ut
the lamp, you mean?
JACOB. And how it
managed to drop out of my hands, the Lord only knows! Just as I began rubbi=
ng
it, and was going to take hold of it in another place, out it slips and goes
all to pieces. It's just my luck! It's easy for that Gregory Miháyli=
tch
to talk--a single man like him! But when one has a family, one has to consi=
der
things: they have to be fed. I don't mind work.... So she didn't say anythi=
ng?
The Lord be thanked!... Oh, Theodore Ivánitch, have you one spoon or
two?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. One. Only one! [Reads newspaper].
Exit Jacob.
Bell rings. Enter Greg=
ory
(carrying a tray) and the Doorkeeper.
DOORKEEPER [to
Gregory] Tell the master some peasants have come from the village.
GREGORY [pointing=
to
Theodore Ivánitch] Tell the major-domo here, it's his business. I ha=
ve
no time. [Exit].
TÁNYA. Whe=
re
are these peasants from?
DOORKEEPER. From
Koursk, I think.
TÁNYA [shr=
ieks
with delight] It's them.... It's Simon's father come about the land! I'll go
and meet them! [Runs off].
DOORKEEPER. Well,
then, what shall I say to them? Shall they come in here? They say they've c=
ome
about the land--the master knows, they say.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Yes, they want to purchase some land. All right! But he ha=
s a
visitor now, so you had better tell them to wait.
DOORKEEPER. Where
shall they wait?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Let them wait outside. I'll send for them when the time co=
mes.
[Exit Doorkeeper]
Enter Tánya, fo=
llowed
by three Peasants.
TÁNYA. To =
the
right. In here! In here!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I did not want them brought in here!
GREGORY. Forward
minx!
TÁNYA. Oh,
Theodore Ivánitch, it won't matter, they'll stand in this corner.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. They'll dirty the floor.
TÁNYA. The=
y've
scraped their shoes, and I'll wipe the floor up afterwards. [To Peasants] H=
ere,
stand just here.
Peasants come forward
carrying presents tied in cotton handkerchiefs: ca=
ke,
eggs, and embroidered towels. They look around for an icón
before which to cross themselves; not finding one, they cross themselves
looking at the staircase.
GREGORY [to Theod=
ore
Ivánitch]. There now, Theodore Ivánitch, they say Pironnet's
boots are an elegant shape. But those there are ever so much better. [Point=
ing
to the third Peasant's bast shoes].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why will you always be ridiculing people? [Exit Gregory].<= o:p>
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [rises and goes up to the Peasants] So you are from Koursk?=
And
have come to arrange about buying some land?
FIRST PEASANT. Ju=
st
so. We might say, it is for the completion of the purchase of the land we h=
ave
come. How could we announce ourselves to the master?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Yes, yes, I know. You wait a bit and I'll go and inform hi=
m.
[Exit].
The Peasants look arou=
nd;
they are embarrassed where to put their presents.
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
ere
now, couldn't we have what d'you call it? Something to present these here
things on? To do it in a genteel way, like,--a little dish or something.
TÁNYA. All
right, directly; put them down here for the present. [Puts bundles on settl=
e].
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
ere
now,--that respectable gentleman that was here just now,--what might be his
station?
TÁNYA. He's
the master's valet.
FIRST PEASANT. I =
see.
So he's also in service. And you, now, are you a servant too?
TÁNYA. I am
lady's-maid. Do you know, I also come from Démen! I know you, and yo=
u,
but I don't know him. [Pointing to third Peasant].
THIRD PEASANT. Th=
em
two you know, but me you don't know?
TÁNYA. You=
are
Efím Antónitch.
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it!
TÁNYA. And=
you
are Simon's father, Zachary Trifánitch.
SECOND PEASANT.
Right!
THIRD PEASANT. And
let me tell you, I'm Mítry Vlásitch Tchilíkin. Now do =
you
know?
TÁNYA. Now=
I
shall know you too!
SECOND PEASANT. A=
nd
who may you be?
TÁNYA. I am
Aksínya's, the soldier's wife's, orphan.
FIRST AND THIRD
PEASANTS [with surprise] Never!
SECOND PEASANT. T=
he
proverb says true:
"Buy a penny pig, put it in the rye, =
And
you'll have a wonderful fat porker by-and-by."
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it! She's got the resemblance of a duchess!
THIRD PEASANT. Th=
at
be so truly. Oh Lord!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. [off the scene, rings, and then shouts] Gregory! Gregory=
!
FIRST PEASANT. Now
who's that, for example, disturbing himself in such a way, if I may say so?=
TÁNYA. Tha=
t's
the young master.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord! Didn't I say we'd better wait outside until the time comes? [Silence]=
.
SECOND PEASANT. I=
s it
you, Simon wants to marry?
TÁNYA. Why,
has he been writing? [Hides her face in her apron].
SECOND PEASANT. I=
t's
evident he's written! But it's a bad business he's imagined here. I see the
lad's got spoilt!
TÁNYA
[quickly] No, he's not at all spoilt! Shall I send him to you?
SECOND PEASANT. W=
hy
send him? All in good time. Where's the hurry?
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [desperately, behind scene] Gregory! Where the devil are
you?... [Enters from his room in shirt-sleeves, adjusting his pince-nez].
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Is every one dead?
TÁNYA. He's
not here, sir.... I'll send him to you at once. [Moves towards the back doo=
r].
VASÍLY LEO=
NÍDITCH.
I could hear you talking, you know. How have these scarecrows sprung up her=
e?
Eh? What?
TÁNYA. The=
y're
peasants from the Koursk village, sir. [Peasants bow].
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. And who is this? Oh yes, from Bourdier.
Vasíly
Leoníditch pays no attention to the Peasants' bow. Tánya meets Gregory at =
the
doorway and remains on the scene.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [to Gregory] I told you the other boots... I can't wear
these!
GREGORY. Well, the
others are also there.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. But where is there?
GREGORY. Just in =
the
same place!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. They're not!
GREGORY. Well, co=
me
and see. [Exeunt Gregory and Vasíly Leoníditch].
THIRD PEASANT. Say
now, might we not in the meantime just go and wait, say, in some lodging-ho=
use
or somewhere?
TÁNYA. No,=
no,
wait a little. I'll go and bring you some plates to put the presents on.
[Exit].
Enter Sahátof a=
nd
Leoníd Fyódoritch, followed by Theodore Ivánitch.
The Peasants take up t=
he
presents, and pose themselves.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [to Peasants] Presently, presently! Wait a bit! [Points to
Porter] Who is this?
PORTER. From
Bourdey's.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Ah, from Bourdier.
SAHÁTOF
[smiling] Well, I don't deny it: still you understand that, never having se=
en
it, we, the uninitiated, have some difficulty in believing.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. You say you find it difficult to believe! We do not ask =
for
faith; all we demand of you is to investigate! How can I help believing in =
this
ring? Yet this ring came from there!
SAHÁTOF. F=
rom
there? What do you mean? From where?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. From the other world. Yes!
SAHÁTOF
[smiling] That's very interesting--very interesting!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well, supposing we admit that I'm a man carried away by =
an
idea, as you think, and that I am deluding myself. Well, but what of
Alexéy Vladímiritch Krougosvétlof--he is not just an
ordinary man, but a distinguished professor, and yet he admits it to be a f=
act.
And not he alone. What of Crookes? What of Wallace?
SAHÁTOF. B=
ut I
don't deny anything. I only say it is very interesting. It would be interes=
ting
to know how Krougosvétlof explains it!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. He has a theory of his own. Could you come to-night?--he=
is
sure to be here. First we shall have Grossman--you know, the famous
thought-reader?
SAHÁTOF. Y=
es,
I have heard of him but have never happened to meet him.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Then you must come! We shall first have Grossman, then
Kaptchítch, and our mediumistic séance.... [To Theodore
Ivánitch] Has the man returned from Kaptchítch?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Not yet, sir.
SAHÁTOF. T=
hen
how am I to know?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Never mind, come in any case! If Kaptchítch can't=
come
we shall find our own medium. Márya Ignátievna is a medium--n=
ot such
a good one as Kaptchítch, but still ...
Tánya enters wi=
th
plates for the presents, and stands listening.
SAHÁTOF
[smiling] Oh yes, yes. But here is one puzzling point:--how is it that the
mediums are always of the, so-called, educated class, such as Kaptchí=
;tch
and Márya Ignátievna? If there were such a special force, wou=
ld
it not be met with also among the common people--the peasants?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Oh yes, and it is! That is very common. Even here in our=
own
house we have a peasant whom we discovered to be a medium. A few days ago we
called him in--a sofa had to be moved, during a séance--and we forgot
all about him. In all probability he fell asleep. And, fancy, after our
séance was over and Kaptchítch had come to again, we suddenly=
noticed
mediumistic phenomena in another part of the room, near the peasant: the ta=
ble
gave a jerk and moved!
TÁNYA [asi=
de]
That was when I was getting out from under it!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. It is quite evident he also is a medium. Especially as h=
e is
very like Home in appearance. You remember Home--a fair-haired naïve s=
ort
of fellow?
SAHÁTOF
[shrugging his shoulders] Dear me, this is very interesting, you know. I th=
ink
you should try him.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. So we will! And he is not alone; there are thousands of
mediums, only we do not know them. Why, only a short time ago a bedridden o=
ld
woman moved a brick wall!
SAHÁTOF. M=
oved
a brick ... a brick wall?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, yes. She was lying in bed, and did not even know she was a medium. She just leant her arm against the wall, and the wall moved!<= o:p>
SAHÁTOF. A=
nd
did not cave in?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. And did not cave in.
SAHÁTOF. V=
ery
strange! Well then, I'll come this evening.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Pray do. We shall have a séance in any case.
[Sahátof puts on his outdoor things, Leoníd Fyódoritch
sees him to the door].
PORTER [to
Tánya] Do tell your mistress! Am I to spend the night here?
TÁNYA. Wai=
t a
little; she's going to drive out with the young lady, so she'll soon be com=
ing
downstairs. [Exit].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [comes up to the Peasants, who bow and offer him their pr=
esents]
That's not necessary!
FIRST PEASANT
[smiling] Oh, but this-here is our first duty, it is! It's also the Commune=
's
orders that we should do it!
SECOND PEASANT.
That's always been the proper way.
THIRD PEASANT. Sa=
y no
more about it! 'Cause as we are much satisfied.... As our parents, let's sa=
y,
served, let's say, your parents, so we would like the same with all our hea=
rts
... and not just anyhow! [Bows].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. But what is it about? What do you want?
FIRST PEASANT. It=
's
to your honour we've come ...
Enter Petrístch=
ef
briskly, in fur-lined overcoat.
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Is Vasíly Leoníditch awake yet? [Seeing Leoníd
Fyódoritch, bows, moving only his head].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. You have come to see my son?
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
I? Yes, just to see Vovo for a moment.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Step in, step in.
Petrístchef tak=
es off
his overcoat and walks in briskly. Exit.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [to Peasants] Well, what is it you want?
SECOND PEASANT.
Please accept our presents!
FIRST PEASANT
[smiling] That's to say, the peasants' offerings.
THIRD PEASANT. Sa=
y no
more about it; what's the good? We wish you the same as if you were our own
father! Say no more about it!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. All right. Here, Theodore, take these.
THEODORE IV&Aacut=
e;NITCH
[to Peasants] Give them here. [Takes the presents].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well, what is the business?
FIRST PEASANT. We=
've
come to your honour ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. I see you have; but what do you want?
FIRST PEASANT. It=
's
about making a move towards completing the sale of the land. It comes to th=
is
...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Do you mean to buy the land?
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. It comes to this ... I mean the buying of the property of the land.
The Commune has given us, let's say, the power of atturning, to enter, let's
say, as is lawful, through the Government bank, with a stamp for the lawful
amount.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. You mean that you want to buy the land through the land-=
bank.
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. Just as you offered it to us last year. It comes to this, then, the
whole sum in full for the buying of the property of the land is 32,864 roub=
les.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. That's all right, but how about paying up?
FIRST PEASANT. As=
to
the payment, the Commune offers just as it was said last year--to pay in
'stalments, and your receipt of the ready money by lawful regulations, 4000
roubles in full.[2]
[2] The present value of the roubl=
e is
rather over two shillings and one penny.
SECOND PEASANT. T=
ake
4000 now, and wait for the rest of the money.
THIRD PEASANT
[unwrapping a parcel of money] And about this be quite easy. We should pawn=
our
own selves rather than do such a thing just anyhow say, but in this way, le=
t's
say, as it ought to be done.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. But did I not write and tell you that I should not agree=
to
it unless you brought the whole sum?
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. It would be more agreeable, but it is not in our possibilities, I
mean.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well then, the thing can't be done!
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
e Commune,
for example, relied its hopes on that, that you made the offer last year to
sell it in easy 'stalments ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. That was last year. I would have agreed to it then, but =
now
I can't.
SECOND PEASANT. B=
ut
how's that? We've been depending on your promise--we've got the papers ready
and have collected the money!
THIRD PEASANT. Be
merciful, master! We're short of land; we'll say nothing about cattle, but =
even
a hen, let's say, we've no room to keep. [Bows] Don't wrong us, master! [Bo=
ws].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Of course it's quite true, that I agreed last year to let
you have the land for payment by instalments, but now circumstances are such
that it would be inconvenient.
SECOND PEASANT.
Without this land we cannot live!
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. Without land our lives must grow weaker and come to a decline.
THIRD PEASANT
[bowing] Master, we have so little land, let's not talk about the cattle, b=
ut
even a chicken, let's say, we've no room for. Master, be merciful, accept t=
he
money, master!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [examining the document] I quite understand, and should l=
ike
to help you. Wait a little; I will give you an answer in half-an-hour....
Theodore, say I am engaged and am not to be disturbed.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Yes, sir. [Exit Leoníd Fyódoritch].
The Peasants look deje=
cted.
SECOND PEASANT.
Here's a go! "Give me the whole sum," he says. And where are we to
get it from?
FIRST PEASANT. If=
he
had not given us hopes, for example. As it is we felt quite insured it woul=
d be
as was said last year.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord! and I had begun unwrapping the money. [Begins wrapping up the bundle =
of
bank-notes again] What are we to do now?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. What is your business, then?
FIRST PEASANT. Our
business, respected sir, depends in this. Last year he made us the offer of=
our
buying the land in 'stalments. The Commune entered upon these terms and gav=
e us
the powers of atturning, and now d'you see he makes the offering that we sh=
ould
pay the whole in full! And as it turns out, the business is no ways conveni=
ent
for us.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. What is the whole sum?
FIRST PEASANT. The
whole sum in readiness is 4000 roubles, you see.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well, what of that? Make an effort and collect more.
FIRST PEASANT. Su=
ch
as it is, it was collected with much effort. We have, so to say, in this se=
nse,
not got ammunition enough.
SECOND PEASANT. Y=
ou
can't get blood out of a stone.
THIRD PEASANT. We=
'd
be glad with all our hearts, but we have swept even this together, as you m=
ight
say, with a broom.
Vasíly
Leoníditch and Petrístchef appear in the doorway both smoking=
cigarettes.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. I have told you already I'll do my best, so of course I =
will
do all that is possible! Eh, what?
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
You must just understand that if you do not get it, the devil only knows wh=
at a
mess we shall be in!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. But I've already said I'll do my best, and so I will. Eh,
what?
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Nothing. I only say, get some at any cost. I will wait.
Exit into Vasíly
Leoníditch's room, closing door.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [waving his arm] It's a deuce of a go! [The Peasants bow]=
.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [looking at Porter, to Theodore Ivánitch] Why don'=
t you
attend to this fellow from Bourdier? He hasn't come to take lodgings with u=
s,
has he? Just look, he is asleep! Eh, what?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. The note he brought has been sent in, and he has been told=
to
wait until Anna Pávlovna comes down.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [looks at Peasants and notices the money] And what is thi= s? Money? For whom? Is it for us? [To Theodore Ivánitch] Who are they?<= o:p>
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. They are peasants from Koursk. They are buying land.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Has it been sold them?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. No, they have not yet come to any agreement. They are too
stingy.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Eh? Well, we must try and persuade them. [To the Peasant=
s]
Here, I say, are you buying land? Eh?
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. We have made an offering as how we should like to acquire the
possession of the land.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Then you should not be so stingy, you know. Just let me =
tell
you how necessary land is to peasants! Eh, what? It's very necessary, isn't=
it?
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. The land appears as the very first and foremost necessity to a
peasant. That's just it.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Then why be so stingy? Just you think what land is! Why,= one can sow wheat on it in rows! I tell you, you could get eighty bushels of wh= eat, at a rouble and a half a bushel--that would be 120 roubles. Eh, what? Or el= se mint! I tell you, you could collar 400 roubles off an acre by sowing mint!<= o:p>
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. All sorts of producks one could put into action if one had the rig=
ht
understanding.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Mint! Decidedly mint! I have learnt about it, you know. =
It's
all printed in books. I can show them you. Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it, all concerns are clearer to you through your books. That's
learnedness, of course.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Then pay up and don't be stingy. [To Theodore Ivá=
nitch]
Where's papa?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. He gave orders not to be disturbed just now.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Oh, I suppose he's consulting a spirit whether to sell t=
he
land or not? Eh, what?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I can't say. All I know is that he went away undecided abo=
ut
it.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. What d'you think, Theodore Ivánitch, is he flush =
of cash?
Eh, what?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I don't know. I hardly think so. But what does it matter to
you? You drew a good sum not more than a week ago.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. But didn't I pay for those dogs? And now, you know, ther=
e's
our new Society, and Petrístchef has been chosen, and I had borrowed
money from Petrístchef and must pay the subscription both for him and
for myself. Eh, what?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. And what is this new Society? A Cycling Club?
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. No. Just let me tell you. It is quite a new Society. It =
is a
very serious Society, you know. And who do you think is President? Eh, what=
?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. What's the object of this new Society?
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. It is a "Society to Promote the Breeding of Pure-br=
ed Russian
Hounds." Eh, what? And I'll tell you, they're having the first meeting=
and
a lunch, to-day. And I've no money. I'll go to him and have a try! [Exit
through study door].
FIRST PEASANT [to
Theodore Ivánitch] And who might he be, respected sir?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [smiles] The young master.
THIRD PEASANT. The
heir, so to say. Oh Lord! [puts away the money] I'd better hide it meanwhil=
e.
FIRST PEASANT. An=
d we
were told he was in military service, in the cav'rely, for example.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. No, as an only son he is exempt from military service.
THIRD PEASANT. Le=
ft
for to keep his parents, so to say! That's right!
SECOND PEASANT
[shaking his head] He's the right sort. He'll feed them finely!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord!
Enter Vasíly
Leoníditch followed by Leoníd Fyódoritch.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. That's always the way. It's really surprising! First I'm
asked why I have no occupation, and now when I have found a field and am
occupied, when a Society with serious and noble aims has been founded, I ca=
n't
even have 300 roubles to go on with!...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. I tell you I can't do it, and I can't! I haven't got it.=
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Why, you have just sold some land.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. In the first place I have not sold it! And above all, do
leave me in peace! Weren't you told I was engaged? [Exit, slamming door].
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I told you this was not the right moment.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Well, I say! Here's a position to be in! I'll go and see
mamma--that's my only hope. He's going crazy over his spiritualism and forg=
ets
everything else. [Goes upstairs].
Theodore Ivánit=
ch
takes newspaper and is just going to sit down, when Betsy and
Márya Konstantínovna, followed by Gregory, come down the stairs.
BETSY. Is the
carriage ready?
GREGORY. Just com=
ing
to the door.
BETSY [to
Márya Konstantínovna] Come along, come along, I know it is he=
.
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Which he?
BETSY. You know v=
ery
well whom I mean--Petrístchef, of course.
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But where is he?
BETSY. Sitting in
Vovo's room. You'll see!
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. And suppose it is not he? [The Peasants and Porter b=
ow].
BETSY [to Porter]=
You
brought a dress from Bourdier's?
PORTER. Yes, Miss.
May I go?
BETSY. Well, I do=
n't
know. Ask my mother.
PORTER. I don't k=
now
whose it is, Miss; I was ordered to bring it here and receive the money.
BETSY. Well then,
wait.
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Is it still that costume for the charade?
BETSY. Yes, a
charming costume. But mamma won't take it or pay for it.
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But why not?
BETSY. You'd bett=
er
ask mamma. She doesn't grudge Vovo 500 roubles for his dogs, but 100 is too
much for a dress. I can't act dressed like a scarecrow. [Pointing to Peasan=
ts]
And who are these?
GREGORY. Peasants=
who
have come to buy some land or other.
BETSY. And I thou=
ght
they were the beaters. Are you not beaters?
FIRST PEASANT. No,
no, lady. We have come to see Leoníd Fyódoritch about the sig=
ning
into our possession of the title-deeds to some land.
BETSY. Then how is
it? Vovo was expecting some beaters who were to come to-day. Are you sure y=
ou
are not the beaters? [The Peasants are silent] How stupid they are! [Goes to
Vasíly Leoníditch's door] Vovo? [Laughs].
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But we met him just now upstairs!
BETSY. Why need y=
ou
remember that? Vovo, are you there?
Petrístchef ent=
ers.
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Vovo is not here, but I am prepared to fulfil on his behalf anything that m=
ay
be required. How do you do? How do you do, Márya Konstantínov=
na?
[Shakes hands long and violently with Betsy, and then with Márya
Konstantínovna].
SECOND PEASANT. S=
ee,
it's as if he were pumping water!
BETSY. You can't
replace him,--still you're better than nobody. [Laughs] What are these affa=
irs
of yours with Vovo?
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
What affairs? Our affairs are fie-nancial, that is, our business is fie! It=
's
also nancial, and besides it is financial.
BETSY. What does
nancial mean?
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
What a question! It means nothing, that's just the point.
BETSY. No, no, you
have missed fire. [Laughs].
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
One can't always hit the mark, you know. It's something like a lottery. Bla=
nks
and blanks again, and at last you win! [Theodore Ivánitch goes into =
the
study].
BETSY. Well, this=
was
blank then; but tell me, were you at the Mergásofs' last night?
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Not exactly at the Mère Gásof's, but rather at the Pèr=
e Gásof's,
or better still, at the Fils Gásof's.
BETSY. You can't =
do
without puns. It's an illness. And were the Gypsies there?[3] [Laughs].
[3] The Gypsy choirs are very popu=
lar in
Moscow.
PETRÍSTCHEF
[sings] "On their aprons silken threads, little birds with golden
heads!" ...
BETSY. Happy mort=
als!
And we were yawning at Fofo's.
PETRÍSTCHEF
[continues to sing] "And she promised and she swore, She would ope' her
... her ... her ..." how does it go on, Márya Konstantín=
ovna?
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. "Closet door."
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
How? What? How, Márya Konstantínovna?
BETSY. Cessez, vo=
us
devenez impossible![4]
[4] BETSY. Cease! You are becoming=
quite
unbearable!
PETRÍSTCHE= F. J'ai cessé, j'ai bébé, j'ai dédé....[5]<= o:p>
[5] PETRÍSTCHEF. I have C s=
aid
(ceased), B said, and D said.
BETSY. I see the =
only
way to rid ourselves of your wit is to make you sing! Let us go into Vovo's
room, his guitar is there. Come, Márya Konstantínovna, come!
[Exeunt Betsy, Márya Konstantínovna, and Petrístchef].=
FIRST PEASANT. Wh=
o be
they?
GREGORY. One is o=
ur
young lady, the other is a girl who teaches her music.
FIRST PEASANT. Administrates learning, so to say. And ain't she smart? A reg'lar picture!<= o:p>
SECOND PEASANT. W=
hy
don't they marry her? She is old enough, I should say.
GREGORY. Do you t=
hink
it's the same as among you peasants,--marry at fifteen?
FIRST PEASANT. And
that man, for example, is he also in the musitional line?
GREGORY [mimicking
him] "Musitional" indeed! You don't understand anything!
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just so. And stupidity, one might say, is our ignorance.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord! [Gipsy songs and guitar accompaniment are heard from Vasíly
Leoníditch's room].
Enter Simon, followed =
by
Tánya, who watches the meeting between father and son.
GREGORY [to Simon]
What do you want?
SIMON. I have bee=
n to
Mr. Kaptchítch.
GREGORY. Well, and
what's the answer?
SIMON. He sent wo=
rd
he couldn't possibly come to-night.
GREGORY. All righ=
t,
I'll let them know. [Exit].
SIMON [to his fat=
her]
How d'you do, father! My respects to Daddy Efím and Daddy Mít=
ry!
How are all at home?
SECOND PEASANT. V=
ery
well, Simon.
FIRST PEASANT. How
d'you do, lad?
THIRD PEASANT. How
d'you do, sonny?
SIMON [smiles] We=
ll,
come along, father, and have some tea.
SECOND PEASANT. W=
ait
till we've finished our business. Don't you see we are not ready yet?
SIMON. Well, I'll
wait for you by the porch. [Wishes to go away].
TÁNYA [run=
ning
after him] I say, why didn't you tell him anything?
SIMON. How could I before all those people? Give me time, I'll tell him over our tea. [Exit].<= o:p>
Theodore Ivánit=
ch
enters and sits down by the window.
FIRST PEASANT.
Respected sir, how's our business proceeding?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Wait a bit, he'll be out presently, he's just finishing.
TÁNYA [to
Theodore Ivánitch] And how do you know, Theodore Ivánitch, he=
is
finishing?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I know that when he has finished questioning, he reads the
question and answer aloud.
TÁNYA. Can=
one
really talk with spirits by means of a saucer?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. It seems so.
TÁNYA. But
supposing they tell him to sign, will he sign?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Of course he will.
TÁNYA. But
they do not speak with words?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Oh, yes. By means of the alphabet. He notices at which let=
ter
the saucer stops.
TÁNYA. Yes,
but at a si-ance?...
Enter Leoníd
Fyódoritch.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well, friends, I can't do it! I should be very glad to, =
but
it is quite impossible. If it were for ready money it would be a different
matter.
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just so. What more could any one desire? But the people are so inpennycuous=
--it
is quite impossible!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well, I can't do it, I really can't. Here is your docume=
nt;
I can't sign it.
THIRD PEASANT. Sh=
ow
some pity, master; be merciful!
SECOND PEASANT. H=
ow
can you act so? It is doing us a wrong.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Nothing wrong about it, friends. I offered it you in sum=
mer,
but then you did not agree; and now I can't agree to it.
THIRD PEASANT.
Master, be merciful! How are we to get along? We have so little land. We'll=
say
nothing about the cattle; a hen, let's say, there's no room to let a hen run
about.
Leoníd
Fyódoritch goes up to the door and stops. Enter, descending the staircase, An=
na
Pávlovna and doctor, followed by Vasíly Leoníditch=
, who
is in a merry and playful mood and is putting some bank-notes into h=
is
purse.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[tightly laced, and wearing a bonnet] Then I am to take it?
DOCTOR. If the
symptoms recur you must certainly take it, but above all, you must behave
better. How can you expect thick syrup to pass through a thin little hair t=
ube,
especially when we squeeze the tube? It's impossible; and so it is with the
biliary duct. It's simple enough.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
All right, all right!
DOCTOR. Yes,
"All right, all right," and you go on in the same old way. It won=
't
do, madam--it won't do. Well, good-bye!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
No, not good-bye, only au revoir! For I still expect you to-night. I shall =
not
be able to make up my mind without you.
DOCTOR. All right=
, if
I have time I'll pop in. [Exit].
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[noticing the Peasants] What's this? What? What people are these? [Peasants=
bow].
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. These are peasants from Koursk, come to see Leoníd =
Fyódoritch
about the sale of some land.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
I see they are peasants, but who let them in?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Leoníd Fyódoritch gave the order. He has just
been speaking to them about the sale of the land.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
What sale? There is no need to sell any. But above all, how can one let in
people from the street into the house? One can't let people in from the str=
eet!
One can't let people into the house who have spent the night heaven knows
where!... [Getting more and more excited] I daresay every fold of their clo=
thes
is full of microbes--of scarlet-fever microbes, of smallpox microbes, of
diphtheria microbes! Why, they are from Koursk Government, where there is an
epidemic of diphtheria ... Doctor! Doctor! Call the doctor back!
Leoníd
Fyódoritch goes into his room and shuts the door. Gregory goes to recall the
Doctor.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [smokes at the Peasants] Never mind, mamma; if you like I=
'll
fumigate them so that all the microbes will go to pot! Eh, what?
Anna Pávlovna r=
emains
severely silent, awaiting the Doctor's return.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [to Peasants] And do you fatten pigs? There's a first-rate
business!
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just so. We do go in for the pig-fattening line now and then.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. This kind?... [Grunts like a pig].
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Vovo, Vovo, leave off!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Isn't it like? Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just so. It's very resemblant.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Vovo, leave off, I tell you!
SECOND PEASANT.
What's it all about?
THIRD PEASANT. I
said, we'd better go to some lodging meanwhile!
Enter Doctor and Grego=
ry.
DOCTOR. What's the
matter? What's happened?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Why, you're always saying I must not get excited. Now, how is it possible to
keep calm? I do not see my own sister for two months, and am careful about =
any
doubtful visitor--and here are people from Koursk, straight from Koursk, wh=
ere
there is an epidemic of diphtheria, right in my house!
DOCTOR. These good
fellows you mean, I suppose?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Of course. Straight from a diphtheric place!
DOCTOR. Well, of
course, if they come from an infected place it is rash; but still there is =
no
reason to excite yourself so much about it.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
But don't you yourself advise carefulness?
DOCTOR. Of course=
, of
course. Still, why excite yourself?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
How can I help it? Now we shall have to have the house completely disinfect=
ed.
DOCTOR. Oh no! Why
completely? That would cost 300 roubles or more. I'll arrange it cheaply and
well for you. Take, to a large bottle of water ...
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Boiled?
DOCTOR. It's all =
the
same. Boiled would be better. To one bottle of water take a tablespoon of
salicylic acid, and have everything they have come in contact with washed w=
ith
the solution. As to the fellows themselves, they must be off, of course. Th=
at's
all. Then you're quite safe. And it would do no harm to sprinkle some of the
same solution through a spray--two or three tumblers--you'll see how well it
will act. No danger whatever!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Tánya! Where is Tánya?
Enter Tánya.
TÁNYA. Did=
you
call, M'm?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
You know that big bottle in my dressing-room?
TÁNYA. Out=
of
which we sprinkled the laundress yesterday?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Well, of course! What other bottle could I mean? Well then, take that bottle
and first wash with soap the place where they have been standing, and then =
with
...
TÁNYA. Yes,
M'm; I know how.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
And then take the spray ... However, I had better do that myself when I get
back.
DOCTOR. Well then=
, do
so, and don't be afraid! Well, au revoir till this evening. [Exit].
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
And they must be off! Not a trace of them must remain! Get out, get out!
Go--what are you looking at?
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just so. It's because of our stupidity, as we were instructed ...
GREGORY [pushes t=
he
Peasants out] There, there; be off!
SECOND PEASANT. L=
et
me have my handkerchief back! [The handkerchief in which the presents were
wrapped].
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord, oh Lord! didn't I say--some lodging-house meanwhile!
Gregory pushes him out.
Exeunt Peasants.
PORTER [who has
repeatedly tried to say something] Will there be any answer?
ANNA PÁVLO= VNA. Ah, from Bourdier? [Excitedly] None! None! You can take it back. I told her= I never ordered such a costume, and I will not allow my daughter to wear it!<= o:p>
PORTER. I know
nothing about it. I was sent ...
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Go, go, take it back! I will call myself about it!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [solemnly] Sir Messenger from Bourdier, depart!
PORTER. I might h=
ave
been told that long ago. I have sat here nearly five hours!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Ambassador from Bourdier, begone!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Cease, please!
Exit Porter.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Betsy! Where is she? I always have to wait for her.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [shouting at the top of his voice] Betsy! Petrístc=
hef!
Come quick, quick, quick! Eh? What?
Enter Petrístch=
ef,
Betsy, and Márya Konstantínovna.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
You always keep one waiting!
BETSY. On the
contrary, I was waiting for you!
Petrístchef bow=
s with
his head only, then kisses Anna Pávlovna's hand.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
How d'you do! [To Betsy] You always have an answer ready!
BETSY. If you are
upset, mamma, I had better not go.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Are we going or not?
BETSY. Well, let =
us
go; it can't be helped.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Did you see the man from Bourdier?
BETSY. Yes, and I=
was
very glad. I ordered the costume, and am going to wear it when it is paid f=
or.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
I am not going to pay for a costume that is indecent!
BETSY. Why has it
become indecent? First it was decent, and now you have a fit of prudery.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Not prudery at all! If the bodice were completely altered, then it would do=
.
BETSY. Mamma, tha=
t is
quite impossible.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Well, get dressed. [They sit down. Gregory puts on their over-shoes for the=
m].
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Márya Konstantínovna, do you notice a vacu=
um
in the hall?
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. What is it? [Laughs in anticipation].
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Bourdier's man has gone! Eh, what? Good, eh? [Laughs lou=
dly].
ANNA PÁVLO= VNA. Well, let us go. [Goes out of the door, but returns at once] Tánya!<= o:p>
TÁNYA. Yes,
M'm?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Don't let Frisk catch cold while I am away. If she wants to be let out, put=
on
her little yellow cloak. She is not quite well to-day.
TÁNYA. Yes,
M'm.
Exeunt Anna Páv=
lovna,
Betsy, and Gregory.
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Well, have you got it?
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Not without trouble, I can tell you! First I rushed at t=
he
gov'nor; he began to bellow and turned me out. Off to the mater--I got it o=
ut
of her. It's here! [Slaps his breast pocket] If once I make up my mind, the=
re's
no getting away from me. I have a deadly grip! Eh, what? And d'you know, my
wolf-hounds are coming to-day.
Petrístchef and
Vasíly Leoníditch put on their outdoor things and go out. Tánya
follows.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [alone] Yes, nothing but unpleasantness. How is it they can=
't
live in peace? But one must say the new generation are not--the thing. And =
as
to the women's dominion!... Why, Leoníd Fyódoritch just now w=
as
going to put in a word, but seeing what a frenzy she was in--slammed the do=
or
behind him. He is a wonderfully kind-hearted man. Yes, wonderfully kind. Wh=
at's
this? Here's Tánya bringing them back again!
TÁNYA. Come
in, come in, grand-dads, never mind!
Enter Tánya and=
the
Peasants.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Why have you brought them back?
TÁNYA. Wel=
l,
Theodore Ivánitch, we must do something about their business. I shall
have to wash the place anyhow.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. But the business will not come off, I see that already.
FIRST PEASANT. How
could we best put our affair into action, respected sir? Your reverence mig=
ht
take a little trouble over it, and we should give you full thankings from t=
he
Commune for your trouble.
THIRD PEASANT. Do
try, honey! We can't live! We have so little land. Talk of cattle--why, we =
have
no room to keep a hen! [They bow].
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I am sorry for you, friends, but I can't think of any way =
to
help you. I understand your case very well, but he has refused. So what can=
one
do? Besides, the lady is also against it. Well, give me your papers--I'll t=
ry
and see what I can do, but I hardly hope to succeed. [Exit].
Tánya and the t=
hree
Peasants sigh.
TÁNYA. But
tell me, grand-dads, what is it that is wanted?
FIRST PEASANT. Wh=
y,
only that he should put his signature to our document.
TÁNYA. That
the master should sign? Is that all?
FIRST PEASANT. Ye=
s,
only lay his signature on the deed and take the money, and there would be an
end of the matter.
THIRD PEASANT. He
only has to write and sign, as the peasants, let's say, desire, so, let's s=
ay,
I also desire. That's the whole affair--if he'd only take it and sign it, i=
t's
all done.
TÁNYA
[considering] He need only sign the paper and it's done?
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just so. The whole matter is in dependence on that, and nothing else. Let h=
im
sign, and we ask no more.
TÁNYA. Just
wait and see what Theodore Ivánitch will say. If he cannot persuade =
the
master, I'll try something.
FIRST PEASANT. Get
round him, will you?
TÁNYA. I'll
try.
THIRD PEASANT. Ay,
the lass is going to bestir herself. Only get the thing settled, and the
Commune will bind itself to keep you all your life. See there, now!
FIRST PEASANT. If=
the
affair can be put into action, truly we might put her in a gold frame.
SECOND PEASANT. T=
hat
goes without saying!
TÁNYA. I c=
an't
promise for certain, but as the saying is: "An attempt is no sin, if y=
ou
try ..."
FIRST PEASANT.
"You may win." That's just so.
Enter Theodore
Ivánitch.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. No, friends, it's no go! He has not done it, and he won't =
do
it. Here, take your document. You may go.
FIRST PEASANT [gi=
ves
Tánya the paper] Then it's on you we pin all our reliance, for examp=
le.
TÁNYA. Yes,
yes! You go into the street, and I'll run out to you in a minute and have a
word with you.
Exeunt Peasants.
TÁNYA.
Theodore Ivánitch, dear Theodore Ivánitch, ask the master to =
come
out and speak to me for a moment. I have something to say to him.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. What next?
TÁNYA. I m=
ust,
Theodore Ivánitch. Ask him, do; there's nothing wrong about it, on my
sacred word.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. But what do you want with him?
TÁNYA. Tha=
t's
a little secret. I will tell you later on, only ask him.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [smiling] I can't think what you are up to! All right, I'll=
go
and ask him. [Exit].
TÁNYA. I'l=
l do
it! Didn't he say himself that there is that power in Simon? And I know how=
to
manage. No one found me out that time, and now I'll teach Simon what to do.=
If
it doesn't succeed it's no great matter. After all it's not a sin.
Enter Leoníd
Fyódoritch followed by Theodore Ivánitch.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [smiling] Is this the petitioner? Well, what is your busi=
ness?
TÁNYA. It'=
s a little
secret, Leoníd Fyódoritch; let me tell it you alone.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. What is it? Theodore, leave us for a minute.
Exit Theodore
Ivánitch.
TÁNYA. As I
have grown up and lived in your house, Leoníd Fyódoritch, and=
as
I am very grateful to you for everything, I shall open my heart to you as t=
o a
father. Simon, who is living in your house, wants to marry me.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. So that's it!
TÁNYA. I o=
pen
my heart to you as to a father! I have no one to advise me, being an orphan=
.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well, and why not? He seems a nice lad.
TÁNYA. Yes,
that's true. He would be all right; there is only one thing I have my doubts
about. It's something about him that I have noticed and can't make out ...
perhaps it is something bad.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. What is it? Does he drink?
TÁNYA. God
forbid! But since I know that there is such a thing as spiritalism ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Ah, you know that?
TÁNYA. Of
course! I understand it very well. Some, of course, through ignorance, don't
understand it.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well, what then?
TÁNYA. I am
very much afraid for Simon. It does happen to him.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. What happens to him?
TÁNYA.
Something of a kind like spiritalism. You ask any of the servants. As soon =
as
he gets drowsy at the table, the table begins to tremble, and creak like th=
at:
tuke, ... tuke! All the servants have heard it.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Why, it's the very thing I was saying to Sergéy I=
vánitch
this morning! Yes?...
TÁNYA. Or =
else
... when was it?... Oh yes, last Wednesday. We sat down to dinner, and the
spoon just jumps into his hand of itself!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Ah, that is interesting! Jumps into his hand? When he was
drowsing?
TÁNYA. Tha=
t I
didn't notice. I think he was, though.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes?...
TÁNYA. And
that's what I'm afraid of, and what I wanted to ask you about. May not some
harm come of it? To live one's life together, and him having such a thing in
him!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [smiling] No, you need not be afraid, there is nothing ba=
d in
that. It only proves him to be a medium--simply a medium. I knew him to be a
medium before this.
TÁNYA. So
that's what it is! And I was afraid!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. No, there's nothing to be afraid of. [Aside]. That's cap=
ital!
Kaptchítch can't come, so we will test him to-night.... [To Tá=
;nya]
No, my dear, don't be afraid, he will be a good husband and ... that is onl=
y a
kind of special power, and every one has it, only in some it is weaker and =
in
others stronger.
TÁNYA. Tha=
nk
you, sir. Now I shan't think any more about it; but I was so frightened....
What a thing it is, our want of education!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. No, no, don't be frightened... Theodore!
Enter Theodore
Ivánitch.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. I am going out now. Get everything ready for to-night's
séance.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. But Mr. Kaptchítch is not coming.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. That does not matter. [Puts on overcoat] We shall have a
trial séance with our own medium. [Exit. Theodore Ivánitch go=
es out
with him].
TÁNYA [alo=
ne]
He believes it! He believes it! [Shrieks and jumps with joy] He really beli=
eves
it! Isn't it wonderful! [Shrieks] Now I'll do it, if only Simon has pluck f=
or
it!
Theodore Ivánit=
ch
returns.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well, have you told him your secret?
TÁNYA. I'll
tell you too, only later on.... But I have a favour to ask of you too, Theo=
dore
Ivánitch.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Yes? What is it?
TÁNYA [shy=
ly]
You have been a second father to me, and I will open my heart before you as
before God.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Don't beat about the bush, but come straight to the point.=
TÁNYA. The
point is ... well, the point is, that Simon wants to marry me.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Is that it? I thought I noticed ...
TÁNYA. Wel=
l,
why should I hide it? I am an orphan, and you know yourself how matters are=
in
these town establishments. Every one comes bothering; there's that Gregory
Miháylitch, for instance, he gives me no peace. And also that other =
one
... you know. They think I have no soul, and am only here for their amuseme=
nt.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Good girl, that's right! Well, what then?
TÁNYA. Wel=
l,
Simon wrote to his father; and he, his father, sees me to-day, and says:
"He's spoilt"--he means his son. Theodore Ivánitch [bows],
take the place of a father to me, speak to the old man,--to Simon's father!=
I
could take them into the kitchen, and you might come in and speak to the old
man!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [smiling] Then I am to turn match-maker--am I? Well, I can =
do
that.
TÁNYA.
Theodore Ivánitch, dearest, be a father to me, and I'll pray for you=
all
my life long.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. All right, all right, I'll come later on. Haven't I promis=
ed?
[Takes up newspaper].
TÁNYA. You=
are
a second father to me!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. All right, all right.
TÁNYA. Then
I'll rely on you. [Exit].
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [alone, shaking his head] A good affectionate girl. To think
that so many like her perish! Get but once into trouble and she'll go from =
hand
to hand until she sinks into the mire, and can never be found again! There =
was
that dear little Nataly. She, too, was a good girl, reared and cared for by=
a
mother. [Takes up paper] Well, let's see what tricks Ferdinand is up to in
Bulgaria.
=
&nb=
sp;
Curtain.
ACT II<=
span
class=3DHeading1Char>
Evening of the same da=
y. The
scene represents the interior of the servants' kitchen=
. The
Peasants have taken off their outer garments and sit drinking =
tea at
the table, and perspiring. Theodore Ivánitch is smoking a ciga=
r at
the other side of the stage. The discharged Cook is lying on =
the
brick oven, and is unseen during the early part of the scene.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. My advice=
is,
don't hinder him! If it's his wish and hers, in Heaven's name let him do it.
She is a good, honest girl. Never mind her being a bit dressy; she can't he=
lp
that, living in town: she is a good girl all the same.
SECOND PEASANT. W=
ell,
of course, if it is his wish, let him! He'll have to live with her, not me.=
But
she's certainly uncommon spruce. How's one to take her into one's hut? Why,
she'll not let her mother-in-law so much as pat her on the head.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. That does not depend on the spruceness, but on character. =
If
her nature is good, she's sure to be docile and respectful.
SECOND PEASANT. A=
h,
well, we'll have her if the lad's bent on having her. After all, it's a bad=
job
to live with one as one don't care for. I'll consult my missus, and then may
Heaven bless them!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Then let's shake hands on it!
SECOND PEASANT. W=
ell,
it seems it will have to come off.
FIRST PEASANT. Eh,
Zachary! fortune's a-smiling on you! You've come to accomplish a piece of
business, and just see what a duchess of a daughter-in-law you've obtained.=
All
that's left to be done is to have a drink on it, and then it will be all in
order.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. That's not at all necessary. [An awkward silence].
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I know something of your way of life too, you know. I am e=
ven
thinking of purchasing a bit of land, building a cottage, and working on the
land myself somewhere: maybe in your neighbourhood.
SECOND PEASANT. A
very good thing too.
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. When one has got the money one can get all kinds of pleasure in the
country.
THIRD PEASANT. Sa=
y no
more about it! Country life, let's say, is freer in every way, not like the
town!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. There now, would you let me join your Commune if I settled
among you?
SECOND PEASANT. W=
hy
not? If you stand drink for the Elders, they'll accept you soon enough!
FIRST PEASANT. An=
d if
you open a public-house, for example, or an inn, why, you'd have such a life
you'd never need to die! You might live like a king, and no mistake.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well, we'll see. I should certainly like to have a few qui=
et
years in my old age. Though my life here is good enough, and I should be so=
rry
to leave. Leoníd Fyódoritch is an exceedingly kind-hearted ma=
n.
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. But how about our business? Is it possible that he is going to lea=
ve
it without any termination?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. He'd do it willingly.
SECOND PEASANT. It
seems he's afraid of his wife.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. It's not that he's afraid, but they don't hit things off
together.
THIRD PEASANT. But
you should try, father! How are we to live else? We've so little land ...
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. We'll see what comes of Tánya's attempt. She's take=
n the
business into her hands now!
THIRD PEASANT [ta=
kes
a sip of tea] Father, be merciful. We've so little land. A hen, let's say,
we've no room for a hen, let alone the cattle.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. If the business depended on me.... [To Second Peasant] Wel=
l,
friend, so we've done our bit of match-making! It's agreed then about
Tánya?
SECOND PEASANT. I=
've
given my word, and I'll not go back on it without a good reason. If only our
business succeeds!
Enter Servants' Cook w=
ho
looks up at the oven, makes a sign, and then begins to sp=
eak
animatedly to Theodore Ivánitch.
SERVANTS' COOK. J=
ust
now Simon was called upstairs from the front kitchen! The master and that o=
ther
bald-headed one who calls up spirits with him, ordered him to sit down and =
take
the place of Kaptchítch!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. You don't say so!
SERVANTS' COOK. Y=
es,
Jacob told Tánya.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Extraordinary!
Enter Coachman.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. What do you want?
COACHMAN [to Theo=
dore
Ivánitch] You may just tell them I never agreed to live with a lot of
dogs! Let any one who likes do it, but I will never agree to live among dog=
s!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. What dogs?
COACHMAN. Three d=
ogs
have been sent into our room by Vasíly Leoníditch! They've me=
ssed
it all over. They're whining, and if one comes near them they bite--the dev=
ils!
They'd tear you to pieces if you didn't mind. I've a good mind to take a cl=
ub
and smash their legs for them!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. But when did they come?
COACHMAN. Why,
to-day, from the Dog Show; the devil knows what kind they are, but they're =
an
expensive sort. Are we or the dogs to live in the coachmen's quarters? You =
just
go and ask!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Yes, that will never do. I'll go and ask about it.
COACHMAN. They'd
better be brought here to Loukérya.
SERVANTS' COOK
[angrily] People have to eat here, and you'd like to lock dogs in here! As =
it
is ...
COACHMAN. And I've
got the liveries, and the sledge-covers and the harness there, and they exp=
ect
things kept clean! Perhaps the porter's lodge might do.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I must ask Vasíly Leoníditch.
COACHMAN [angrily]
He'd better hang the brutes round his neck and lug them about with him! But=
no
fear: he'd rather ride on horseback himself. It's he as spoilt Beauty witho=
ut
rhyme or reason. That was a horse!... Oh dear! what a life! [Exit, slamming
door].
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. That's not right! Certainly not right! [To Peasants] Well
then, it's time we were saying good-bye, friends.
PEASANTS. Good-by=
e!
Exit Theodore
Ivánitch.
As soon as he is gone a
sound of groaning is heard from the top of the oven.
SECOND PEASANT. H=
e's
sleek, that one; looks like a general.
SERVANTS' COOK.
Rather! Why, he has a room all to himself; he gets his washing, his tea and
sugar, and food from the master's table.
DISCHARGED COOK [=
on
the oven]. Why shouldn't the old beggar live well? He's lined his pockets a=
ll
right!
SECOND PEASANT. W=
ho's
that up there, on the oven?
SERVANTS' COOK. O=
h,
it's only a man.
Silence.
FIRST PEASANT. We=
ll,
and you too, as I noticed a while since when you were supping, have capital
food to eat.
SERVANTS' COOK. We
can't complain. She's not mean about the food. We have wheat bread every
Sunday, and fish when a holiday happens to be a fast-day too, and those who
like may eat meat.
SECOND PEASANT. A=
nd
does any one tuck into flesh on fast-days?
SERVANTS' COOK. O=
h,
they nearly all do! Only the old coachman--not the one who was here just now
but the old one--and Simon, and I and the housekeeper, fast--all the others=
eat
meat.
SECOND PEASANT. A=
nd
the master himself?
SERVANTS' COOK. C=
atch
him! Why, I bet he's forgotten there is such a thing as fasting!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord!
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
the gentlefolks' way: they have got it all out of their books. 'Cos of their
intelex!
THIRD PEASANT.
Shouldn't wonder if they feed on wheat bread every day!
SERVANTS' COOK. W=
heat
bread indeed! Much they think of wheat bread! You should see what food they
eat. No end of different things!
FIRST PEASANT. In
course gentlefolks' food is of an airial kind.
SERVANTS' COOK.
Airial, of course, but all the same they're good at stuffing themselves, th=
ey
are!
FIRST PEASANT. Ha=
ve
healthy appekites, so to say.
SERVANTS' COOK. '=
Cos
they always rinse it down! All with sweet wines, and spirits, and fizzy liq=
uors.
They have a different one to suit every kind of food. They eat and rinse it
down, and eat and rinse it down, they do.
FIRST PEASANT. An=
d so
the food's floated down in proportion, so to say.
SERVANTS' COOK. Ah
yes, they are good at stuffing! It's awful! You see, it's not just sitting
down, eating, then saying grace and going away--they're always at it!
SECOND PEASANT. L=
ike
pigs with their feet in the trough! [Peasants laugh].
SERVANTS' COOK. As
soon as, by God's grace, they have opened their eyes, the samovár is
brought in--tea, coffee, chocolate. Hardly is the second samovár
emptied, a third has to be set. Then lunch, then dinner, then again coffee.
They've hardly left off, then comes tea, and all sorts of tit-bits and
sweetmeats--there's never an end to it! They even lie in bed and eat!
THIRD PEASANT. Th=
ere
now; that's good! [Laughs].
FIRST AND SECOND
PEASANTS. What are you about?
THIRD PEASANT. If=
I
could only live a single day like that!
SECOND PEASANT. B=
ut
when do they do their work?
SERVANTS' COOK. W=
ork
indeed! What is their work? Cards and piano--that's all their work. The you=
ng
lady used to sit down to the piano as soon as she opened her eyes, and off
she'd go! And that other one who lives here, the teacher, stands and waits.
"When will the piano be free?" When one has finished, off rattles=
the
other, and sometimes they'd put two pianos near one another and four of 'em
would bust out at once. Bust out in such a manner, you could hear 'em down
here!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord!
SERVANTS' COOK. W=
ell,
and that's all the work they do! Piano or cards! As soon as they have met
together--cards, wine, smoking, and so on all night long. And as soon as th=
ey
are up: eating again!
Enter Simon.
SIMON. Hope you're
enjoying your tea!
FIRST PEASANT. Co=
me
and join us.
SIMON [comes up to
the table] Thank you kindly. [First Peasant pours out a cup of tea for him]=
.
SECOND PEASANT. W=
here
have you been?
SIMON. Upstairs.<= o:p>
SECOND PEASANT. W=
ell,
and what was being done there?
SIMON. Why, I
couldn't make it out at all! I don't know how to explain it.
SECOND PEASANT. B=
ut
what was it?
SIMON. I can't
explain it. They have been trying some kind of strength in me. I can't make=
it
out. Tánya says, "Do it, and we'll get the land for our peasant=
s;
he'll sell it them."
SECOND PEASANT. B=
ut
how is she going to manage it?
SIMON. I can't ma=
ke
it out, and she won't say. She says, "Do as I tell you," and that=
's
all.
SECOND PEASANT. B=
ut
what is it you have to do?
SIMON. Nothing ju=
st
now. They made me sit down, put out the lights and told me to sleep. And
Tánya had hidden herself there. They didn't see her, but I did.
SECOND PEASANT. W=
hy?
What for?
SIMON. The Lord o=
nly
knows--I can't make it out.
FIRST PEASANT.
Naturally it is for the distraction of time.
SECOND PEASANT. W=
ell,
it's clear you and I can make nothing of it. You had better tell me whether=
you
have taken all your wages yet.
SIMON. No, I've n=
ot
drawn any. I have twenty-eight roubles to the good, I think.
SECOND PEASANT.
That's all right! Well, if God grants that we get the land, I'll take you h=
ome,
Simon.
SIMON. With all my
heart!
SECOND PEASANT.
You've got spoilt, I should say. You'll not want to plough?
SIMON. Plough? On=
ly
give me the chance! Plough or mow,--I'm game. Those are things one doesn't
forget.
FIRST PEASANT. Bu=
t it
don't seem very desirous after town life, for example? Eh!
SIMON. It's good
enough for me. One can live in the country too.
FIRST PEASANT. And
Daddy Mítry here, is already on the look-out for your place; he's
hankering after a life of luckshury!
SIMON. Eh, Daddy
Mítry, you'd soon get sick of it. It seems easy enough when one look=
s at
it, but there's a lot of running about that takes it out of one.
SERVANTS' COOK. Y=
ou
should see one of their balls, Daddy Mítry, then you would be surpri=
sed!
THIRD PEASANT. Wh=
y,
do they eat all the time?
SERVANTS' COOK. My
eye! You should have seen what we had here awhile ago. Theodore Iván=
itch
took me upstairs and I peeped in. The ladies--awful! Dressed up! Dressed up,
bless my heart, and all bare down to here, and their arms bare.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord!
SECOND PEASANT.
Faugh! How beastly!
FIRST PEASANT. I =
take
it the climate allows of that sort of thing!
SERVANTS' COOK. W=
ell,
daddy, so I peeped in. Dear me, what it was like! All of 'em in their natur=
al
skins! Would you believe it: old women--our mistress, only think, she's a
grandmother, and even she'd gone and bared her shoulders.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord!
SERVANTS' COOK. A=
nd
what next? The music strikes up, and each man of 'em went up to his own,
catches hold of her, and off they go twirling round and round!
SECOND PEASANT. T=
he
old women too?
SERVANTS' COOK. Y=
es,
the old ones too.
SIMON. No, the old
ones sit still.
SERVANTS' COOK. G=
et
along,--I've seen it myself!
SIMON. No they do=
n't.
DISCHARGED COOK [=
in a
hoarse voice, looking down from the oven] That's the Polka-Mazurka. You foo=
ls
don't understand what dancing is. The way they dance ...
SERVANTS' COOK. S=
hut
up, you dancer! And keep quiet--there's some one coming.
Enter Gregory; old Cook
hides hurriedly.
GREGORY [to Serva=
nts'
Cook] Bring some sour cabbage.
SERVANTS' COOK. I= am only just up from the cellar, and now I must go down again! Who is it for?<= o:p>
GREGORY. For the
young ladies. Be quick, and send it up with Simon. I can't wait!
SERVANTS' COOK. T=
here
now, they tuck into sweetmeats till they are full up, and then they crave f=
or
sour cabbage!
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
to make a clearance.
SERVANTS' COOK. Of
course, and as soon as there is room inside, they begin again! [Takes basin,
and exit].
GREGORY [at Peasa=
nts]
Look at them, how they've established themselves down here! Mind, if the
mistress finds it out she'll give it you hot, like she did this morning! [E=
xit,
laughing].
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it, she did raise a storm that time--awful!
SECOND PEASANT. T=
hat
time it looked as if the master was going to step in, but seeing that the
missus was about to blow the very roof off the house, he slams the door. Ha=
ve
your own way, thinks he.
THIRD PEASANT [wa= ving his arm] It's the same everywhere. My old woman, let's say, she kicks up su= ch a rumpus sometimes--it's just awful! Then I just get out of the hut. Let her = go to Jericho! She'll give you one with the poker if you don't mind. Oh Lord!<= o:p>
Jacob enters hurriedly=
with
a prescription.
JACOB. Here, Simo=
n,
you run to the chemist's and get these powders for the mistress!
SIMON. But master
told me not to go out.
JACOB. You've ple=
nty
of time; your business won't begin till after their tea. Hope you are enjoy=
ing
your tea!
FIRST PEASANT.
Thanks, come and join us.
Exit Simon.
JACOB. I haven't
time. However, I'll just have one cup for company's sake.
FIRST PEASANT. And
we've just been having a conversation as to how your mistress carried on so
haughty this morning.
JACOB. Oh, she's a
reg'lar fury! So hot-tempered, that she gets quite beside herself. Sometimes
she even bursts out crying.
FIRST PEASANT. No= w, there's a thing I wanted to ask you about. What, for example, be these mike= rots she was illuding to erewhile? "They've infested the house with mikerot= s, with mikerots," she says. What is one to make of these same mikerots?<= o:p>
JACOB. Mikerogues,
you mean! Well, it seems there is such a kind of bugs; all illnesses come f=
rom
them, they say. So she says there are some of 'em on you. After you were go=
ne,
they washed and washed and sprinkled the place where you had stood. There's=
a
kind of physic as kills these same bugs, they say.
SECOND PEASANT. T=
hen
where have we got these bugs on us?
JACOB [drinking h=
is
tea] Why, they say they're so small that one can't see 'em even through a
glass.
SECOND PEASANT. T=
hen
how does she know I've got 'em on me? Perhaps there's more of that muck on =
her
than on me!
JACOB. There now,=
you
go and ask her!
SECOND PEASANT. I
believe it's humbug.
JACOB. Of course =
it's
bosh. The doctors must invent something, or else what are they paid for?
There's one comes to us every day. Comes,--talks a bit,--and pockets ten
roubles!
SECOND PEASANT.
Nonsense!
JACOB. Why, there=
's
one as takes a hundred!
FIRST PEASANT. A
hundred? Humbug!
JACOB. A hundred.
Humbug, you say? Why, if he has to go out of town, he'll not do it for less
than a thousand! "Give a thousand," he says, "or else you may
kick the bucket for what I care!"
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord!
SECOND PEASANT. T=
hen
does he know some charm?
JACOB. I suppose =
he
must. I served at a General's outside Moscow once: a cross, terrible proud =
old
fellow he was--just awful. Well, this General's daughter fell ill. They send
for that doctor at once. "A thousand roubles, then I'll come." We=
ll,
they agreed, and he came. Then they did something or other he didn't like, =
and
he bawled out at the General and says, "Is this the way you show your
respect for me? Then I'll not attend her!" And, oh my! The old General
forgot all his pride, and starts wheedling him in every way not to chuck up=
the
job!
FIRST PEASANT. An=
d he
got the thousand?
JACOB. Of course!=
SECOND PEASANT.
That's easy got money. What wouldn't a peasant do with such a sum!
THIRD PEASANT. An=
d I
think it's all bosh. That time my foot was festering I had it doctored ever=
so
long. I spent nigh on five roubles on it,--then I gave up doctoring, and it=
got
all right!
Discharged Cook on the=
oven
coughs.
JACOB. Ah, the old
crony is here again!
FIRST PEASANT. Who
might that man be?
JACOB. He used to=
be
our master's cook. He comes to see Loukérya.
FIRST PEASANT.
Kitchen-master, as one might say. Then, does he live here?
JACOB. No, they w=
on't
allow that. He's here one day, there another. If he's got a copper he goes =
to a
dosshouse; but when he has drunk all, he comes here.
SECOND PEASANT. H=
ow
did he come to this?
JACOB. Simply grew
weak. And what a man he used to be--like a gentleman! Went about with a gold
watch; got forty roubles a month wages. And now look at him! He'd have star=
ved
to death long ago if it hadn't been for Loukérya.
Enter Servants' Cook w=
ith
the sour cabbage.
JACOB [to Servant=
s'
Cook] I see you've got Paul Petróvitch here again?
SERVANTS' COOK. A=
nd
where's he to go to? Is he to go and freeze?
THIRD PEASANT. Wh= at liquor does.... Liquor, let's say ... [Clicks his tongue sympathetically].<= o:p>
SECOND PEASANT. Of
course. A firm man's firm as a rock; a weak man's weaker than water.
DISCHARGED COOK [=
gets
off the oven with trembling hands and legs] Loukérya, I say, give us=
a
drop!
SERVANTS' COOK. W=
hat
are you up to? I'll give you such a drop!...
DISCHARGED COOK. =
Have
you no conscience? I'm dying! Brothers, a copper ...
SERVANTS' COOK. G=
et
back on the oven, I tell you!
DISCHARGED COOK. =
Half
a glass only, cook, for Heaven's sake! I say, do you understand? I ask you =
in
the name of Heaven, now!
SERVANTS' COOK. C=
ome
along, here's some tea for you.
DISCHARGED COOK. =
Tea;
what is tea? Weak, sloppy stuff. A little vódka--just one little drop
... Loukérya!
THIRD PEASANT. Po=
or
old soul, what agony it is!
SECOND PEASANT. Y=
ou'd
better give him some.
SERVANTS' COOK [g=
ets
out a bottle and fills a wine-glass] Here you are; you'll get no more.
DISCHARGED COOK
[clutches hold of it and drinks, trembling all over] Loukérya, Cook!=
I
am drinking, and you must understand ...
SERVANTS' COOK. N=
ow
then, stop your chatter! Get on to the oven, and let not a breath of you be
heard! [The old Cook meekly begins to climb up, muttering something to
himself].
SECOND PEASANT. W=
hat it
is, when a man gives way to his weakness!
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it--human weakness.
THIRD PEASANT. Th=
at
goes without saying.
The Discharged Cook se=
ttles
down, muttering all the time. Silence.
SECOND PEASANT. I
want to ask you something: that girl of Aksínya's as comes from our
village and is living here. How is she? What is she like? How is she living=
--I
mean, does she live honest?
JACOB. She's a ni=
ce
girl; one can say nothing but good of her.
SERVANTS' COOK. I=
'll
tell you straight, daddy; I know this here establishment out and out, and if
you mean to have Tánya for your son's wife--be quick about it, before
she comes to grief, or else she'll not escape!
JACOB. Yes, that's
true. A while ago we had a girl here, Nataly. She was a good girl too. And =
she
was lost without rhyme or reason. No better than that chap! [Pointing to the
old Cook].
SERVANTS' COOK.
There's enough to dam a mill-pool, with the likes of us, as perish! 'Cos wh=
y,
every one is tempted by the easy life and the good food. And see there,--as
soon as one has tasted the good food she goes and slips. And once she's
slipped, they don't want her, but get a fresh one in her place. So it was w=
ith
dear little Nataly; she also slipped, and they turned her out. She had a ch=
ild
and fell ill, and died in the hospital last spring. And what a girl she use=
d to
be!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord! People are weak; they ought to be pitied.
DISCHARGED COOK.
Those devils pity? No fear! [He hangs his legs down from the oven] I have s=
tood
roasting myself by the kitchen range for thirty years, and now that I am not
wanted, I may go and die like a dog.... Pity indeed!...
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. It's the old circumstances.
SECOND PEASANT.
While they drank and they fed, you were "curly head." When
they'd finished the prog, 'twas "Get out, mangy dog!"
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord!
DISCHARGED COOK. =
Much
you know. What is "Sautey a la Bongmont"? What is "Bavassary=
"?
Oh, the things I could make! Think of it! The Emperor tasted my work, and n=
ow the
devils want me no longer. But I am not going to stand it!
SERVANTS' COOK. N=
ow
then, stop that noise, mind.... Get up right into the corner, so that no one
can see you, or else Theodore Ivánitch or some one may come in, and =
both
you and me'll be turned out! [Silence].
JACOB. And do you
know my part of the country? I'm from Voznesénsky.
SECOND PEASANT. N=
ot
know it? Why, it's no more'n ten miles from our village; not that across the
ford! Do you cultivate any land there?
JACOB. My brother
does, and I send my wages. Though I live here, I am dying for a sight of ho=
me.
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it.
SECOND PEASANT. T=
hen
Anísim is your brother?
JACOB. Own brothe=
r.
He lives at the farther end of the village.
SECOND PEASANT. Of
course, I know; his is the third house.
Enter Tánya, ru=
nning.
TÁNYA. Jac=
ob,
what are you doing, amusing yourself here? She is calling you!
JACOB. I'm coming;
but what's up?
TÁNYA. Fri=
sk
is barking; it's hungry. And she's scolding you. "How cruel he is,&quo=
t;
she says. "He's no feeling," she says. "It's long past Frisk=
's dinner-time,
and he has not brought her food!" [Laughs].
JACOB [rises to g=
o]
Oh, she's cross? What's going to happen now, I wonder?
SERVANTS' COOK. H=
ere,
take the cabbage with you.
JACOB. All right,
give it here. [Takes basin, and exit].
FIRST PEASANT. Wh=
o is
going to dine now?
TÁNYA. Why,
the dog! It's her dog. [Sits down and takes up the tea-pot] Is there any mo=
re
tea? I've brought some. [Puts fresh tea into the tea-pot.]
FIRST PEASANT. Di=
nner
for a dog?
TÁNYA. Yes=
, of
course! They prepare a special cutlet for her; it must not be too fat. And =
I do
the washing--the dog's washing, I mean.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh
Lord!
TÁNYA. It's
like that gentleman who had a funeral for his dog.
SECOND PEASANT.
What's that?
TÁNYA. Why,
some one told me he had a dog--I mean the gentleman had a dog. And it died.=
It
was winter, and he went in his sledge to bury that dog. Well, he buried it,=
and
on the way home he sits and cries--the gentleman does. Well, there was such=
a
bitter frost that the coachman's nose keeps running, and he has to keep wip=
ing
it. Let me fill your cup! [Fills it] So he keeps wiping his nose, and the
gentleman sees it, and says, "What are you crying about?" And the
coachman, he says, "Why, sir, how can I help it; is there another dog =
like
him?" [Laughs].
SECOND PEASANT. A=
nd I
daresay he thinks to himself, "If your own self was to kick the bucket=
I'd
not cry." [Laughs].
DISCHARGED COOK [=
from
up on the oven] That is true; that's right!
TÁNYA. Wel=
l,
the gentleman, he gets home and goes straight to his lady: "What a
good-hearted man our coachman is; he was crying all the way home about poor
Dash. Have him called.... Here, drink this glass of vódka," he
says, "and here's a rouble as a reward for you." That's just like=
her
saying Jacob has no feelings for her dog! [The Peasants laugh].
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
the style!
SECOND PEASANT. T=
hat
was a go!
THIRD PEASANT. Ay,
lassie, but you've set us a-laughing!
TÁNYA [pou=
ring
out more tea] Have some more! Yes, it only seems that our life is pleasant;=
but
sometimes it is very disgusting,--clearing up all their messes! Faugh! It's
better in the country. [Peasants turn their cups upside-down, as a polite s=
ign
that they have had enough. Tánya pours out more tea] Have some more,
Efím Antónitch. I'll fill your cup, Mítry Vlási=
tch.
THIRD PEASANT. All
right, fill it, fill it.
FIRST PEASANT. We=
ll,
dear, and what progression is our business making?
TÁNYA. It's
getting on ...
&n=
bsp;
FIRST PEASANT. Well, dear, and what progression is our business maki=
ng?
TÁNYA. It's getting on ...]=
FIRST PEASANT. Si=
mon
told us ...
TÁNYA
[quickly] Did he?
SECOND PEASANT. B=
ut
he could not make us understand.
TÁNYA. I c=
an't
tell you now, but I'm doing my best--all I can! And I've got your paper her=
e!
[Shows the paper hidden under the bib of her apron] If only one thing
succeeds.... [Shrieks] Oh, how nice it would be!
SECOND PEASANT. D=
on't
lose that paper, mind. It has cost money.
TÁNYA. Nev=
er
fear. You only want him to sign it? Is that all?
THIRD PEASANT. Wh=
y,
what else? Let's say he's signed it, and it's done! [Turns his cup upside-d=
own]
I've had enough.
TÁNYA [asi=
de]
He'll sign it; you'll see he will... Have some more. [Pours out tea].
FIRST PEASANT. If
only you get this business about the sale of the land settled, the Commune
would pay your marriage expenses. [Refuses the tea].
TÁNYA [pou=
ring
out tea] Do have another cup.
THIRD PEASANT. You
get it done, and we'll arrange your marriage, and I myself, let's say, will
dance at the wedding. Though I've never danced in all my born days, I'll da=
nce
then!
TÁNYA
[laughing] All right, I'll be in hopes of it. [Silence].
SECOND PEASANT
[examines Tánya] That's all very well, but you're not fit for peasant
work.
TÁNYA. Who=
? I?
Why, don't you think me strong enough? You should see me lacing up my mistr=
ess.
There's many a peasant couldn't tug as hard.
SECOND PEASANT. W=
here
do you tug her to?
TÁNYA. Wel=
l,
there's a thing made with bone, like--something like a stiff jacket, only u=
p to
here! Well, and I pull the strings just as when you saddle a horse--when you
... what d'ye call it? You know, when you spit on your hands!
SECOND PEASANT.
Tighten the girths, you mean.
TÁNYA. Yes,
yes, that's it. And you know I mustn't shove against her with my knee. [Lau=
ghs].
SECOND PEASANT. W=
hy
do you pull her in?
TÁNYA. For=
a
reason!
SECOND PEASANT. W=
hy,
is she doing penance?
TÁNYA. No,
it's for beauty's sake!
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
to say, you pull in her paunch for appearance' sake.
TÁNYA.
Sometimes I lace her up so that her eyes are ready to start from her head, =
and
she says, "Tighter," till my hands tingle. And you say I'm not
strong! [Peasants laugh and shake their heads].
TÁNYA. But
here, I've been jabbering. [Runs away, laughing].
THIRD PEASANT. Ah,
the lassie has made us laugh!
FIRST PEASANT. Sh=
e's
a tidy one!
SECOND PEASANT. S=
he's
not bad.
Enter Sahátof a=
nd
Vasíly Leoníditch. Sahátof holds a teaspoon in his
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Not exactly a dinner, but a déjeuner dinatoire. A=
nd first-rate
it was, I tell you. Ham of sucking-pig, delicious! Roulier feeds one
splendidly! I've only just returned. [Sees Peasants] Ah, the peasants are h=
ere
again!
SAHÁTOF. Y=
es,
yes, that's all very well, but we came here to hide this article. Where sha=
ll
we hide it?
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me a moment. [To Servants' Cook] Where are the do=
gs?
SERVANTS' COOK. In
the coachman's quarters. You can't keep dogs in the servants' kitchen!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Ah, in the coachman's quarters? All right.
SAHÁTOF. I=
am
waiting.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me, please. Eh, what? Hide it? I'll tell you what.
Let's put it into one of the peasants' pockets. That one. I say, where's yo=
ur
pocket? Eh, what?
THIRD PEASANT. Wh=
at
for d'ye want my pocket? You're a good 'un! My pocket! There's money in my
pocket!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Where's your bag, then?
THIRD PEASANT. Wh=
at
for?
SERVANTS' COOK. W=
hat
d'you mean? That's the young master!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [laughs. To Sahátof] D'you know why he's so fright=
ened?
Shall I tell you? He's got a heap of money. Eh, what?
SAHÁTOF. Y=
es,
yes, I see. Well, you talk to them a bit, and I'll put it into that bag wit=
hout
being observed, so that they should not notice and could not point it out to
him. Talk to them.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. All right! [To Peasants] Well then, old fellows, how abo=
ut
the land? Are you buying it? Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT. We
have made an offering, so to say, with our whole heart. But there,--the
business don't come into action nohow.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. You should not be so stingy! Land is an important matter=
! I
told you about planting mint. Or else tobacco would also do.
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. Every kind of producks.
THIRD PEASANT. And
you help us, master. Ask your father. Or else how are we to live? There's so
little land. A fowl, let's say, there's not enough room for a fowl to run
about.
SAHÁTOF
[having put the spoon into a bag belonging to the Third Peasant] C'est fait.
Ready. Come along. [Exit].
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. So don't be stingy! Eh? Well, good-bye. [Exit].
THIRD PEASANT. Di=
dn't
I say, come to some lodging-house? Well, supposing we'd had to give three-p=
ence
each, then at least we'd have been in peace. As to here, the Lord be mercif=
ul!
"Give us the money," he says. What's that for?
SECOND PEASANT. H=
e's
drunk, I daresay.
Peasants turn their cu=
ps
upside-down, rise, and cross themselves.
FIRST PEASANT. And
d'you mind what a saying he threw out? Sowing mint! One must know how to
understand them, that one must!
SECOND PEASANT. S=
ow
mint indeed! He'd better bend his own back at that work, and then it's not =
mint
he'll hanker after, no fear! Well, many thanks!... And now, good woman, wou=
ld
you tell us where we could lie down to sleep?
SERVANTS' COOK. O=
ne
of you can lie on the oven, and the others on these benches.
THIRD PEASANT. Ch=
rist
save you! [Prays, crossing himself].
FIRST PEASANT. If only by God's help we get our business settled! [Lies down] Then to-morrow, after dinner, we'd be off by the train, and on Tuesday we'd be home again.<= o:p>
SECOND PEASANT. A=
re
you going to put out the light?
SERVANTS' COOK. P=
ut
it out? Oh no! They'll keep running down here, first for one thing then
another.... You lie down, I'll lower it.
SECOND PEASANT. H=
ow
is one to live, having so little land? Why, this year, I have had to buy co=
rn
since Christmas. And the oat-straw is all used up. I'd like to get hold of =
ten
acres, and then I could take Simon back.
THIRD PEASANT. Yo=
u're
a man with a family. You'd get the land cultivated without trouble. If only=
the
business comes off.
SECOND PEASANT. We
must pray to the Holy Virgin, maybe she'll help us out. [Silence, broken by
sighs. Then footsteps and voices are heard outside. The door opens. Enter
Grossman hurriedly, with his eyes bandaged, holding Sahátof's hand, =
and
followed by the Professor and the Doctor, the Fat Lady and Leoníd
Fyódoritch, Betsy and Petrístchef, Vasíly
Leoníditch and Márya Konstantínovna, Anna Pávlo=
vna
and the Baroness, Theodore Ivánitch and Tánya].
Peasants jump up. Gros=
sman
comes forward stepping quickly, then stops.
FAT LADY. You need
not trouble yourselves; I have undertaken the task of observing, and am
strictly fulfilling my duty! Mr. Sahátof, are you not leading him?
SAHÁTOF. Of
course not!
FAT LADY. You must
not lead him, but neither must you resist! [To Leoníd Fyódori=
tch]
I know these experiments. I have tried them myself. Sometimes I used to fee=
l a
certain effluence, and as soon as I felt it ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. May I beg of you to keep perfect silence?
FAT LADY. Oh, I
understand so well! I have experienced it myself. As soon as my attention w=
as
diverted I could no longer ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Sh ...!
Grossman goes about,
searches near the First and Second Peasants, then approaches t=
he
Third, and stumbles over a bench.
BARONESS. Mais di=
tes-moi,
on le paye?[6]
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Je ne saurais vous dire.
[6] BARONESS. But tell me, please,=
is he
paid for this?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I really do =
not
know.
BARONESS. Mais c'=
est
un monsieur?[7]
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Oh, oui!
BARONESS. Ç=
;a
tient du miraculeux. N'est ce pas? Comment est-ce qu'il trouve?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Je ne saurais vous dire. Mon mari vous l'expliquera. [Noticing Peasants, tu=
rns
round, and sees the Servants' Cook] Pardon ... what is this?
[7] BARONESS. But he is a gentlema=
n?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh yes!
BARONESS. It is almost miraculous.=
Isn't
it? How does he manage to find things?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I really can=
't
tell you. My husband will explain it to you.... Excuse me....
Baroness goes up to the
group.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[to Servants' Cook] Who let the peasants in?
SERVANTS' COOK. J=
acob
brought them in.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Who gave Jacob the order?
SERVANTS' COOK. I
can't say. Theodore Ivánitch has seen them.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Leoníd!
Leoníd
Fyódoritch does not hear, being absorbed in the search, and says, Sh ...
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Theodore Ivánitch! What is the meaning of this? Did you not see me
disinfecting the whole hall, and now the whole kitchen is infected, all the=
rye
bread, the milk ...
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I thought there would not be any danger if they came here.=
The
men have come on business. They have far to go, and are from our village.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
That's the worst of it! They are from the Koursk village, where people are
dying of diphtheria like flies! But the chief thing is, I ordered them out =
of
the house!... Did I, or did I not? [Approaches the others that have gathered
round the Peasants] Be careful! Don't touch them--they are all infected with
diphtheria! [No one heeds her, and she steps aside in a dignified manner and
stands quietly waiting].
PETRÍSTCHEF
[sniffs loudly] I don't know if it is diphtheria, but there is some kind of
infection in the air. Don't you notice it?
BETSY. Stop your
nonsense! Vovo, which bag is it in?
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. That one, that one. He is getting near, very near!
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Is it spirits divine, or spirits of wine?
BETSY. Now your
cigarette comes in handy for once. Smoke closer, closer to me.
Petrístchef lea=
ns
over her and smokes at her.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. He's getting near, I tell you. Eh, what?
GROSSMAN [searches
excitedly round the Third Peasant] It is here; I feel it is!
FAT LADY. Do you =
feel
an effluence? [Grossman stoops and finds the spoon in the bag].
ALL. Bravo! [Gene=
ral
enthusiasm].
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Ah! So that's where our spoon was. [To Peasants] Then th=
at's
the sort you are!
THIRD PEASANT. Wh=
at
sort? I didn't take your spoon! What are you making out? I didn't take it, =
and
my soul knows nothing about it. I didn't take it--there! Let him do what he=
likes.
I knew he came here for no good. "Where's your bag?" says he. I
didn't take it, the Lord is my witness! [Crosses himself] I didn't take it!=
The young people group=
round
the Peasant, laughing.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [angrily to his son] Always playing the fool! [To the Thi=
rd
Peasant] Never mind, friend! We know you did not take it; it was only an
experiment.
GROSSMAN [removes
bandage from his eyes, and pretends to be coming to] Can I have a little wa=
ter?
[All fuss round him].
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Let's go straight from here into the coachman's room. I'=
ve
got a bitch there--épâtante![8] Eh, what?
[8] Stunning!
BETSY. What a hor=
rid
word. Couldn't you say dog?
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. No. I can't say--Betsy is a man, épâtant. I
should have to say young woman; it's a parallel case. Eh, what? Máry=
a Konstantínovna,
isn't it true? Good, eh? [Laughs loudly].
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Well, let us go. [Exeunt Márya
Konstantínovna, Betsy, Petrístchef, and Vasíly
Leoníditch].
FAT LADY [to
Grossman] Well? how are you? Have you rested? [Grossman does not answer. To
Sahátof] And you, Mr. Sahátof, did you feel the effluence?
SAHÁTOF. I
felt nothing. Yes, it was very fine--very fine. Quite a success!
BARONESS. Admirab=
le!
Ça ne le fait pas souffrir?[9]
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Pas le moins du monde.
[9] BARONESS. Capital! Does it not=
cause
him any pain?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. N=
ot the
slightest.
PROFESSOR [to
Grossman] May I trouble you? [Hands him a thermometer] At the beginning of =
the
experiment it was 37 decimal 2, degrees.[10] [To Doctor] That's right, I th=
ink?
Would you mind feeling his pulse? Some loss is inevitable.
[10] He uses a Centigrade thermome=
ter.
DOCTOR [to Grossm=
an]
Now then, sir, let's have your hand; we'll see, we'll see. [Takes out his
watch, and feels Grossman's pulse].
FAT LADY [to Grossman] One moment! The condition you were in could not be called sleep?<= o:p>
GROSSMAN [wearily=
] It
was hypnosis.
SAHÁTOF. In
that case, are we to understand that you hypnotised yourself?
GROSSMAN. And why
not? An hypnotic state may ensue not only in consequence of association--the
sound of the tom-tom, for instance, in Charcot's method--but by merely ente=
ring
an hypnogenetic zone.
SAHÁTOF.
Granting that, it would still be desirable to define what hypnotism is, more
exactly?
PROFESSOR. Hypnot=
ism
is a phenomenon resulting from the transmutation of one energy into another=
.
GROSSMAN. Charcot
does not so define it.
SAHÁTOF. A
moment, just a moment! That is your definition, but Liébault told me
himself ...
DOCTOR [lets go of
Grossman's pulse] Ah, that's all right; well now, the temperature?
FAT LADY
[interrupting] No, allow me! I agree with the Professor. And here's the very
best proof. After my illness, when I lay insensible, a desire to speak came
over me. In general I am of a silent disposition, but then I was overcome by
this desire to speak, and I spoke and spoke, and I was told that I spoke in
such a way that every one was astonished! [To Sahátof] But I think I
interrupted you?
SAHÁTOF [w=
ith
dignity] Not at all. Pray continue.
DOCTOR. Pulse 82,=
and
the temperature has risen three-tenths of a degree.
PROFESSOR. There =
you
are! That's a proof! That's just as it should be. [Takes out pocket-book and
writes] 82, yes? And 37 and 5. When the hypnotic state is induced, it invar=
iably
produces a heightened action of the heart.
DOCTOR. I can, as=
a
medical man, bear witness that your prognosis was justified by the event.
PROFESSOR [to
Sahátof] You were saying?...
SAHÁTOF. I
wished to say that Liébault told me himself that the hypnotic is only
one particular psychical state, increasing susceptibility to suggestion.
PROFESSOR. That is
so, but still the law of equivalents is the chief thing.
GROSSMAN. Moreove=
r,
Liébault is far from being an authority, while Charcot has studied t=
he
subject from all sides, and has proved that hypnotism produced by a blow, a
trauma ...
All talking together.<= o:p>
{ SAHÁTOF. Yes, but I don't
reject Charcot's labour. I know him also, { I am only repeating what
Liébault told me ... =
span>{
{ GROSSMAN [excitedly] =
There
are 3000 patients in the Salpêtrière, and { I have gone through the who=
le
course. { { PROFESSOR. Excuse me, gentl=
emen,
but that is not the point.
FAT LADY
[interrupting] One moment, I will explain it to you in two words? When my
husband was ill, all the doctors gave him up ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. However, we had better go upstairs again. Baroness, this
way!
Exeunt Grossman,
Sahátof, Professor, Doctor, the Fat Lady, and Baroness, talking
loudly and interrupting each other.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[catching hold of Leoníd Fyódoritch's arm] How often have I a=
sked
you not to interfere in household matters! You think of nothing but your
nonsense, and the whole house is on my shoulders. You will infect us all!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. What? How? I don't understand what you mean.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
How? Why, people ill of diphtheria sleep in the kitchen, which is in consta=
nt
communication with the whole house.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, but I ...
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
What, I?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. I know nothing about it.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
It's your duty to know, if you are the head of the family. Such things must=
not
be done.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. But I never thought ... I thought ...
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
It is sickening to listen to you! [Leoníd Fyódoritch remains
silent].
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[to Theodore Ivánitch] Turn them out at once! They are to leave my
kitchen immediately! It is terrible! No one listens to me; they do it out of
spite.... I turn them out from there, and they bring them in here! And with=
my
illness ... [Gets more and more excited, and at last begins to cry] Doctor!
Doctor! Peter Petróvitch!... He's gone too!... [Exit, sobbing, follo=
wed
by Leoníd Fyódoritch].
All stand silent for a=
long
time.
THIRD PEASANT.
Botheration take them all! If one don't mind, the police will be after one
here. And I have never been to law in all my born days. Let's go to some
lodging-house, lads!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [to Tánya] What are we to do?
TÁNYA. Nev=
er
mind, Theodore Ivánitch, let them sleep with the coachman.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. How can we do that? The coachman was complaining as it is,
that his place is full of dogs.
TÁNYA. Well
then, the porter's lodge.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. And supposing it's found out?
TÁNYA. It
won't be found out! Don't trouble about that, Theodore Ivánitch. How=
can
one turn them out now, at night? They'll not find anywhere to go to.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well, do as you please. Only they must go away from here.
[Exit].
Peasants take their ba=
gs.
DISCHARGED COOK. =
Oh
those damned fiends! It's all their fat! Fiends!
SERVANTS' COOK. Y=
ou
be quiet there. Thank goodness they didn't see you!
TÁNYA. Well
then, daddy, come along to the porter's lodge.
FIRST PEASANT. We=
ll,
but how about our business? How, for example, about the applience of his ha=
nd
to the signature? May we be in hopes?
TÁNYA. We'=
ll
see in an hour's time.
SECOND PEASANT.
You'll do the trick?
TÁNYA [lau=
ghs]
Yes, God willing!
=
&nb=
sp;
Curtain.
ACT III=
Evening of the same da=
y. The
small drawing-room in Leoníd Fyódoritch=
's
house, where the séances are always held. Leoníd Fyódoritch=
and
the Professor.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. We=
ll
then, shall we risk a séance with our new medium?
PROFESSOR. Yes,
certainly. He is a powerful medium, there is no doubt about it. And it is
especially desirable that the séance should take place to-day with t=
he
same people. Grossman will certainly respond to the influence of the
mediumistic energy, and then the connection and identity of the different
phenomena will be still more evident. You will see then that, if the medium=
is
as strong as he was just now, Grossman will vibrate.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Then I will send for Simon and ask those who wish to att=
end
to come in.
PROFESSOR. Yes, a=
ll
right! I will just jot down a few notes. [Takes out his note-book and write=
s].
Enter Sahátof.<= o:p>
SAHÁTOF. T=
hey
have just settled down to whist in Anna Pávlovna's drawing-room, and=
as
I am not wanted there--and as I am interested in your séance--I have=
put
in an appearance here. But will there be a séance?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, certainly!
SAHÁTOF. In
spite of the absence of Mr. Kaptchítch's mediumistic powers?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Vous avez la main heureuse.[11] Fancy, that very peasant whom I mentioned to you this morning, turns out to be an undoubted medium.<= o:p>
[11] LEONÍD FYÓDORIT=
CH.
You bring good luck.
SAHÁTOF. D=
ear
me! Yes, that is peculiarly interesting!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, we tried a few preliminary experiments with him just
after dinner.
SAHÁTOF. So
you've had time already to experiment, and to convince yourself ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, perfectly! And he turns out to be an exceptionally
powerful medium.
SAHÁTOF
[incredulously] Dear me!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. It turns out that it has long been noticed in the servan=
ts'
hall. When he sits down to table, the spoon springs into his hand of its own
accord! [To the Professor] Had you heard about it?
PROFESSOR. No, I =
had
not heard that detail.
SAHÁTOF [to
the Professor]. But still, you admit the possibility of such phenomena?
PROFESSOR. What
phenomena?
SAHÁTOF. W=
ell,
spiritualistic, mediumistic, and supernatural phenomena in general.
PROFESSOR. The
question is, what do we consider supernatural? When, not a living man but a
piece of stone attracted a nail to itself, how did the phenomena strike the
first observers? As something natural? Or supernatural?
SAHÁTOF. W=
ell,
of course; but phenomena such as the magnet attracting iron always repeat
themselves.
PROFESSOR. It is =
just
the same in this case. The phenomenon repeats itself and we experiment with=
it.
And not only that, but we apply to the phenomena we are investigating the l=
aws
common to other phenomena. These phenomena seem supernatural only because t=
heir
causes are attributed to the medium himself. But that is where the mistake
lies. The phenomena are not caused by the medium, but by psychic energy act=
ing
through a medium, and that is a very different thing. The whole matter lies=
in
the law of equivalents.
SAHÁTOF. Y=
es,
certainly, but ...
Enter Tánya, who
hides behind the hangings.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Only remember that we cannot reckon on any results with
certainty, with this medium any more than with Home or Kaptchítch. We
may not succeed, but on the other hand we may even have perfect materialisa=
tion.
SAHÁTOF.
Materialisation even? What do you mean by materialisation?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Why, I mean that some one who is dead--say, your father =
or
your grandfather--may appear, take you by the hand, or give you something; =
or
else some one may suddenly rise into the air, as happened to Alexéy
Vladímiritch last time.
PROFESSOR. Of cou=
rse,
of course. But the chief thing is the explanation of the phenomena, and the
application to them of general laws.
Enter the Fat Lady.
FAT LADY. Anna
Pávlovna has allowed me to join you.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Very pleased.
FAT LADY. Oh, how
tired Grossman seems! He could scarcely hold his cup. Did you notice [to the
Professor] how pale he turned at the moment he approached the hiding-place?=
I
noticed it at once, and was the first to mention it to Anna Pávlovna=
.
PROFESSOR.
Undoubtedly,--loss of vital energy.
FAT LADY. Yes, it=
's
just as I say, one should not abuse that sort of thing. You know, a hypnoti=
st
once suggested to a friend of mine, Véra Kónshin (oh, you know
her, of course)--well, he suggested that she should leave off smoking,--and=
her
back began to ache!
PROFESSOR [trying=
to
have his say] The temperature and the pulse clearly indicate ...
FAT LADY. One mom=
ent!
Allow me! Well, I said to her: it's better to smoke than to suffer so with
one's nerves. Of course, smoking is injurious; I should like to give it up
myself, but, do what I will, I can't! Once I managed not to smoke for a
fortnight, but could hold out no longer.
PROFESSOR [again
trying to speak] Clearly proves ...
FAT LADY. Yes, no!
Allow me, just one word! You say, "loss of strength." And I was a=
lso
going to say that, when I travelled with post-horses ... the roads used to =
be
dreadful in those days--you don't remember--but I have noticed that all our
nervousness comes from railways! I, for instance, can't sleep while travell=
ing;
I cannot fall asleep to save my life!
PROFESSOR [makes
another attempt, which the Fat Lady baffles] The loss of strength ...
SAHÁTOF
[smiling] Yes; oh yes!
Leoníd
Fyódoritch rings.
FAT LADY. I am aw=
ake
one night, and another, and a third, and still I can't sleep!
Enter Gregory.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Please tell Theodore to get everything ready for the s&e=
acute;ance,
and send Simon here--Simon, the butler's assistant,--do you hear?
GREGORY. Yes, sir.
[Exit].
PROFESSOR [to
Sahátof]. The observation of the temperature and the pulse have shown
loss of vital energy. The same will happen in consequence of the mediumistic
phenomena. The law of the conservation of energy ...
FAT LADY. Oh yes,
yes; I was just going to say that I am very glad that a simple peasant turns
out to be a medium. That's very good. I always did say that the Slavophils =
...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Let's go into the drawing-room in the meantime.
FAT LADY. Allow m=
e,
just one word! The Slavophils are right; but I always told my husband that =
one
ought never to exaggerate anything! "The golden mean," you know. =
What
is the use of maintaining that the common people are all perfect, when I ha=
ve
myself seen ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Won't you come into the drawing-room?
FAT LADY. A boy--=
that
high--who drank! I gave him a scolding at once. And he was grateful to me
afterwards. They are children, and, as I always say, children need both love
and severity!
Exeunt all, all talking
together.
Tánya enters from beh=
ind
the hangings.
TÁNYA. Oh,=
if
it would only succeed! [Begins fastening some threads].
Enter Betsy hurriedly.=
BETSY. Isn't papa
here? [Looks inquiringly at Tánya] What are you doing here?
TÁNYA. Oh,
Miss Elizabeth, I have only just come; I only wished ... only came in ...
[Embarrassed].
BETSY. But they a=
re
going to have a séance here directly. [Notices Tánya drawing =
in
the threads, looks at her, and suddenly bursts out laughing] Tánya! =
Why,
it's you who do it all? Now don't deny it. And last time it was you too? Ye=
s,
it was, it was!
TÁNYA. Miss
Elizabeth, dearest!
BETSY [delighted]=
Oh,
that is a joke! Well, I never. But why do you do it?
TÁNYA. Oh
miss, dear miss, don't betray me!
BETSY. Not for the
world! I'm awfully glad. Only tell me how you manage it?
TÁNYA. Wel= l, I just hide, and then, when it's all dark, I come out and do it. That's how.<= o:p>
BETSY [pointing to
threads] And what is this for? You needn't tell me. I see; you draw ...
TÁNYA. Miss
Elizabeth, darling! I will confess it, but only to you. I used to do it just
for fun, but now I mean business.
BETSY. What? How?
What business?
TÁNYA. Wel=
l,
you see, those peasants that came this morning, you saw them. They want to =
buy
some land, and your father won't sell it; well, and Theodore Ivánitc=
h,
he says it's the spirits as forbid him. So I have had a thought as ...
BETSY. Oh, I see!
Well, you are a clever girl! Do it, do it.... But how will you manage it?
TÁNYA. Wel=
l, I
thought, when they put out the lights, I'll at once begin knocking and shyi=
ng
things about, touching their heads with the threads, and at last I'll take =
the
paper about the land and throw it on the table. I've got it here.
BETSY. Well, and
then?
TÁNYA. Why,
don't you see? They will be astonished. The peasants had the paper, and now
it's here. I will teach ...
BETSY. Why, of
course! Simon is the medium to-day!
TÁNYA. Wel=
l,
I'll teach him ... [Laughs so that she can't continue] I'll tell him to squ=
eeze
with his hands any one he can get hold of! Of course, not your father--he'd
never dare do that--but any one else; he'll squeeze till it's signed.
BETSY [laughing] =
But
that's not the way it is done. Mediums never do anything themselves.
TÁNYA. Oh,
never mind. It's all one; I daresay it'll turn out all right.
Enter Theodore
Ivánitch.
Exit Betsy, making sig=
ns to
Tánya.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Why are you here?
TÁNYA. It's
you I want, Theodore Ivánitch, dear ...
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well, what is it?
TÁNYA. Abo=
ut
that affair of mine as I spoke of.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [laughs] I've made the match; yes, I've made the match. The matter is settled; we have shaken hands on it, only not had a drink on it.<= o:p>
TÁNYA [wit=
h a
shriek] Never! So it's all right?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Don't I tell you so? He says, "I shall consult the mi=
ssus,
and then, God willing ..."
TÁNYA. Is =
that
what he said? [Shrieks] Dear Theodore Ivánitch, I'll pray for you all
the days of my life!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. All right! All right! Now is not the time. I've been order=
ed
to arrange the room for the séance.
TÁNYA. Let=
me
help you. How's it to be arranged?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. How? Why, the table in the middle of the room--chairs--the
guitar--the accordion. The lamp is not wanted, only candles.
TÁNYA [hel=
ps
Theodore Ivánitch to place the things] Is that right? The guitar her=
e,
and here the inkstand. [Places it] So?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Can it be true that they'll make Simon sit here?
TÁNYA. I
suppose so; they've done it once.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Wonderful! [Puts on his pince-nez] But is he clean?
TÁNYA. How
should I know?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Then, I'll tell you what ...
TÁNYA. Yes,
Theodore Ivánitch?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Go and take a nail-brush and some Pears' soap; you may take
mine ... and go and cut his claws and scrub his hands as clean as possible.=
TÁNYA. He =
can
do it himself.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well then, tell him to. And tell him to put on a clean shi=
rt
as well.
TÁNYA. All
right, Theodore Ivánitch. [Exit].
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [sits down in an easy-chair] They're educated and learned--=
Alexéy
Vladímiritch now, he's a professor--and yet sometimes one can't help
doubting very much. The people's rude superstitions are being abolished:
hobgoblins, sorcerers, witches.... But if one considers it, is not this equ=
ally
superstitious? How is it possible that the souls of the dead should come and
talk, and play the guitar? No! Some one is fooling them, or they are fooling
themselves. And as to this business with Simon--it's simply incomprehensibl=
e.
[Looks at an album] Here's their spiritualistic album. How is it possible to
photograph a spirit? But here is the likeness of a Turk and Leoníd
Fyódoritch sitting by.... Extraordinary human weakness!
Enter Leoníd
Fyódoritch.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Is it all ready?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [rising leisurely] Quite ready. [Smiles] Only I don't know
about your new medium. I hope he won't disgrace you, Leoníd Fy&oacut=
e;doritch.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. No, I and Alexéy Vladímiritch have tested =
him.
He is a wonderfully powerful medium!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well, I don't know. But is he clean enough? I don't suppose
you have thought of ordering him to wash his hands? It might be rather
inconvenient.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. His hands? Oh yes! They're not clean, you think?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. What can you expect? He's a peasant, and there will be lad=
ies
present, and Márya Vasílevna.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. It will be all right.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. And then I have something to report to you. Timothy, the
coachman, complains that he can't keep things clean because of the dogs.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [arranging the things on the table absent-mindedly] What
dogs?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. The three hounds that came for Vasíly Leoníd=
itch
to-day.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [vexed] Tell Anna Pávlovna! She can do as she like=
s about
it. I have no time.
THEODORE IV&Aacut=
e;NITCH.
But you know her weakness ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. 'Tis just as she likes, let her do as she pleases. As for
him,--one never gets anything but unpleasantness from him. Besides, I am bu=
sy.
Enter Simon, smiling; =
he has
a sleeveless peasant's coat on.
SIMON. I was orde=
red
to come.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, it's all right. Let me see your hands. That will do,
that will do very well! Well then, my good fellow, you must do just as you =
did
before,--sit down, and give way to your mood. But don't think at all.
SIMON. Why should=
I
think? The more one thinks, the worse it is.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Just so, just so, exactly! The less conscious one is, the
greater is the power. Don't think, but give in to your mood. If you wish to
sleep, sleep; if you wish to walk, walk. Do you understand?
SIMON. How could =
one
help understanding? It's simple enough.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. But above all, don't be frightened. Because you might be
surprised yourself. You must understand that just as we live here, so a who=
le
world of invisible spirits live here also.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [improving on what Leoníd Fyódoritch has said=
] Invisible
feelings, do you understand?
SIMON [laughs] How
can one help understanding! It's very plain as you put it.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. You may rise up in the air, or something of the kind, but
don't be frightened.
SIMON. Why should=
I
be frightened? That won't matter at all.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well then, I'll go and call them all.... Is everything
ready?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I think so.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. But the slates?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. They are downstairs. I'll bring them. [Exit].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. All right then. So don't be afraid, but be at your ease.=
SIMON. Had I not
better take off my coat? One would be more easy like.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Your coat? Oh no. Don't take that off. [Exit].
SIMON. She tells =
me
to do the same again, and she will again shy things about. How isn't she
afraid?
Enter Tánya in =
her
stockings and in a dress of the colour of the wall-paper. Simon
laughs.
TÁNYA. Shs=
h!...
They'll hear! There, stick these matches on your fingers as before. [Sticks
them on] Well, do you remember everything?
SIMON [bending his
fingers in, one by one] First of all, wet the matches and wave my hands abo=
ut,
that's one. Then make my teeth chatter, like this ... that's two. But I've
forgotten the third thing.
TÁNYA. And
it's the third as is the chief thing. Don't forget as soon as the paper fal=
ls
on the table--I shall ring the little bell--then you do like this.... Spread
your arms out far and catch hold of some one, whoever it is as sits nearest,
and catch hold of him. And then squeeze! [Laughs] Whether it's a gentleman =
or a
lady, it's all one; you just squeeze 'em, and don't let 'em go,--as if it w=
ere
in your sleep, and chatter with your teeth, or else howl like this. [Howls
sotto-voce] And when I begin to play on the guitar, then stretch yourself a=
s if
you were waking up, you know.... Will you remember everything?
SIMON. Yes, I'll
remember, but it is too funny.
TÁNYA. But
mind you don't laugh. Still, it won't matter much if you do laugh; they'd t=
hink
it was in your sleep. Only take care you don't really fall asleep when they=
put
out the lights.
SIMON. No fear, I=
'll
pinch my ears.
TÁNYA. Well
then Sim darling, only mind do as I tell you, and don't get frightened. He'=
ll
sign the paper, see if he don't! They're coming!
Gets under the sofa.
Enter Grossman and the
Professor, Leoníd Fyódoritch and the Fat Lady, the Doctor,
Sahátof and Anna Pávlovna. Simon stands near the door.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Please come in, all you doubters! Though we have a new a=
nd
accidentally discovered medium, I expect very important phenomena to-night.=
SAHÁTOF.
That's very, very interesting.
FAT LADY [pointin=
g to
Simon] Mais il est très bien![12]
[12] FAT LADY. But he looks quite =
nice.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Yes, as a butler's assistant, but hardly ...
SAHÁTOF. W=
ives
never have any faith in their husbands' work. You don't believe in anything=
of
this kind?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Of course not. Kaptchítch, it is true, has something exceptional abo=
ut
him, but Heaven knows what all this is about!
FAT LADY. No, Anna
Pávlovna, permit me, you can't decide it in such a way. Before I was
married, I once had a remarkable dream. Dreams, you know, are often such th=
at
you don't know where they begin and where they end; it was just such a dream
that I ...
Enter Vasíly
Leoníditch and Petrístchef.
FAT LADY. And much
was revealed to me by that dream. Nowadays the young people [points to
Petrístchef and Vasíly Leoníditch] deny everything.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. But look here, you know--now I, for instance, never deny
anything! Eh, what?
Betsy and Márya
Konstantínovna enter, and begin talking to Petrístche=
f.
FAT LADY. And how=
can
one deny the supernatural? They say it is unreasonable. But what if one's
reason is stupid; what then? There now, on Garden Street, you know ... why,
well, it appeared every evening! My husband's brother--what do you call him?
Not beau-frère--what's the other name for it?--I never can remember =
the
names of these different relationships--well, he went there three nights
running, and still he saw nothing; so I said to him ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well, who is going to stay here?
FAT LADY. I! I!
SAHÁTOF. I=
.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[to Doctor] Do you mean to say you are going to stay?
DOCTOR. Yes; I mu=
st
see, if only once, what it is that Alexéy Vladímiritch has
discovered in it. How can we deny anything without proofs?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Then I am to take it to-night for certain?
DOCTOR. Take what=
?...
Oh, the powder. Yes, it would perhaps be better. Yes, yes, take it.... Howe=
ver,
I shall come upstairs again.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Yes please, do. [Loud] When it is over, mesdames et messieurs, I shall expe=
ct
you to come to me upstairs to rest from your emotions, and then we will fin=
ish
our rubber.
FAT LADY. Oh,
certainly.
SAHÁTOF. Y=
es,
thanks!
Exit Anna Pávlo=
vna.
BETSY [to
Petrístchef] You must stay, I tell you. I promise you something
extraordinary. Will you bet?
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But you don't believe in it?
BETSY. To-day I d=
o.
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA [to Petrístchef] And do you believe?
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
"I can't believe, I cannot trust a heart for falsehood framed."
Still, if Elizabeth Leonídovna commands ...
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Let us stay, Márya Konstantínovna. Eh, wha=
t? I
shall invent something épâtant.
MÁRYA
KONSTANTÍNOVNA. No, you mustn't make me laugh. You know I can't rest=
rain
myself.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH [loud] I remain!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [severely] But I beg those who remain not to joke about i=
t.
It is a serious matter.
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Do you hear? Well then, let's stay. Vovo, sit here, and don't be too shy.
BETSY. Yes, it's =
all
very well for you to laugh; but just wait till you see what will happen.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Oh, but supposing it's true? Won't it be a go! Eh, what?=
PETRÍSTCHEF
[trembles] Oh, I'm afraid, I'm afraid! Márya Konstantínovna, =
I'm
afraid! My tootsies tremble.
BETSY [laughing] =
Not
so loud.
All sit down.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Take your seats, take your seats. Simon, sit down!
SIMON. Yes, sir.
[Sits down on the edge of the chair].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Sit properly.
PROFESSOR. Sit
straight in the middle of the chair, and quite at your ease. [Arranges Simo=
n on
his chair].
Betsy, Márya
Konstantínovna and Vasíly Leoníditch laugh.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [raising his voice] I beg those who are going to remain h=
ere
not to behave frivolously, but to regard this matter seriously, or bad resu=
lts
might follow. Do you hear, Vovo! If you can't be quiet, go away!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Quite quiet! [Hides behind Fat Lady].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Alexéy Vladímiritch, will you mesmerise hi=
m?
PROFESSOR. No; why
should I do it when Antón Borísitch is here? He has had far m=
ore
practice and has more power in that department than I.... Antón
Borísitch!
GROSSMAN. Ladies =
and
gentlemen, I am not, strictly speaking, a spiritualist. I have only studied
hypnotism. It is true I have studied hypnotism in all its known manifestati=
ons;
but what is called spiritualism, is entirely unknown to me. When a subject =
is
thrown into a trance, I may expect the hypnotic phenomena known to me:
lethargy, abulia, anæsthesia, analgesia, catalepsy, and every kind of=
susceptibility
to suggestion. Here it is not these but other phenomena we expect to observ=
e.
Therefore it would be well to know of what kind are the phenomena we expect=
to
witness, and what is their scientific significance.
SAHÁTOF. I
thoroughly agree with Mr. Grossman. Such an explanation would be very
interesting.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. I think Alexéy Vladímiritch will not refus=
e to
give us a short explanation.
PROFESSOR. Why no=
t? I
can give an explanation if it is desired. [To the Doctor] Will you kindly n=
ote
his temperature and pulse? My explanation must, of necessity, be cursory and
brief.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, please; briefly, quite briefly.
DOCTOR. All right.
[Takes out thermometer] Now then, my lad ... [Places the thermometer].
SIMON. Yes, sir!<= o:p>
PROFESSOR [rising=
and
addressing the Fat Lady--then reseating himself] Ladies and gentlemen! The
phenomenon we are investigating to-night is regarded, on the one hand, as
something new; and, on the other, as something transcending the limits of
natural conditions. Neither view is correct. This phenomenon is not new but=
is
as old as the world; and it is not supernatural but is subject to the etern=
al
laws that govern all that exists. This phenomenon has been usually defined =
as
"intercourse with the spirit world." That definition is inexact.
Under such a definition the spirit world is contrasted with the material wo=
rld.
But this is erroneous; there is no such contrast! Both worlds are so closel=
y connected
that it is impossible to draw a line of demarcation, separating the one from
the other. We say, matter is composed of molecules ...
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Prosy matter! [Whispering and laughter].
PROFESSOR [pauses,
then continues] Molecules are composed of atoms, but the atoms, having no
extension, are in reality nothing but the points of application of forces.
Strictly speaking, not of forces but of energy, that same energy which is as
much a unity and just as indestructible as matter. But matter, though one, =
has
many different aspects, and the same is true of energy. Till recently only =
four
forms of energy, convertible into one another, have been known to us: energ=
ies known
as the dynamic, the thermal, the electric, and the chemic. But these four
aspects of energy are far from exhausting all the varieties of its
manifestation. The forms in which energy may manifest itself are very diver=
se,
and it is one of these new and as yet but little known phases of energy, th=
at
we are investigating to-night. I refer to mediumistic energy.
Renewed whispering and
laughter among the young people.
PROFESSOR [stops =
and
casts a severe look round] Mediumistic energy has been known to mankind for=
ages:
prophecy, presentiments, visions and so on, are nothing but manifestations =
of
mediumistic energy. The manifestations produced by it have, I say, been kno=
wn
to mankind for ages. But the energy itself has not been recognised as such =
till
quite recently--not till that medium, the vibrations of which cause the man=
ifestations
of mediumistic energy, was recognised. In the same way that the phenomena of
light were inexplicable until the existence of an imponderable substance--an
ether--was recognised, so mediumistic phenomena seemed mysterious until the=
now
fully established fact was recognised, that between the particles of ether
there exists another still more rarified imponderable substance not subject=
to
the law of the three dimensions ...
Renewed laughter, whis=
pers,
and giggling.
PROFESSOR [again
looks round severely] And just as mathematical calculations have irrefutably
proved the existence of imponderable ether which gives rise to the phenomen=
a of
light and electricity, so the successive investigations of the ingenious
Hermann, of Schmidt, and of Joseph Schmatzhofen, have confirmed beyond a do=
ubt
the existence of a substance which fills the universe and may be called
spiritual ether.
FAT LADY. Ah, now=
I
understand. I am so grateful ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, but Alexéy Vladímiritch, could you not
... condense it a little?
PROFESSOR [not
heeding the remark] And so, as I have just had the honour of mentioning to =
you,
a succession of strictly scientific experiments have made plain to us the l=
aws
of mediumistic phenomena. These experiments have proved that, when certain
individuals are plunged into a hypnotic state (a state differing from ordin=
ary
sleep only by the fact that man's physiological activity is not lowered by =
the
hypnotic influence but, on the contrary, is always heightened--as we have r=
ecently
witnessed) when, I say, any individual is plunged into such a state, this
always produces certain perturbations in the spiritual ether--perturbations
quite similar to those produced by plunging a solid body into liquid matter.
These perturbations are what we call mediumistic phenomena ...
Laughter, and whispers=
.
SAHÁTOF. T=
hat
is quite comprehensible and correct; but if, as you are kind enough to info=
rm
us, the plunging of the medium into a trance produces perturbations of the
spiritual ether, allow me to ask why (as is usually supposed to be the case=
in
spiritualistic séances) these perturbations result in an activity on=
the
part of the souls of dead people?
PROFESSOR. It is
because the molecules of this spiritual ether are nothing but the souls of =
the
living, the dead, and the unborn, and any vibration of the spiritual ether =
must
inevitably cause a certain vibration of its atoms. These atoms are nothing =
but
human souls, which enter into communication with one another by means of th=
ese
movements.
FAT LADY [to
Sahátof] What is it that puzzles you? It is so simple.... Thank you =
so,
so much!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. I think everything has now been explained, and that we m=
ay
commence.
DOCTOR. The fello=
w is
in a perfectly normal condition: temperature 37 decimal 2, pulse 74.
PROFESSOR [takes =
out
his pocket-book and notes this down] What I have just had the honour of
explaining will be confirmed by the fact, which we shall presently have an
opportunity of observing, that after the medium has been thrown into a tran=
ce
his temperature and pulse will inevitably rise, just as occurs in cases of
hypnotism.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, yes. But excuse me a moment. I should like to reply=
to
Sergéy Ivánitch's question: How do we know we are in communic=
ation
with the souls of the dead? We know it because the spirit that appears, pla=
inly
tells us--as simply as I am speaking to you--who he is, and why he has come,
and whether all is well with him! At our last séance a Spaniard, Don
Castillos, came to us, and he told us everything. He told us who he was, and
when he died, and that he was suffering for having taken part in the
Inquisition. He even told us what was happening to him at the very time tha=
t he
was speaking to us, namely, that at the very time he was talking to us he h=
ad
to be born again on earth, and, therefore, could not continue his conversat=
ion
with us.... But you'll see for yourselves ...
FAT LADY
[interrupting] Oh, how interesting! Perhaps the Spaniard was born in one of=
our
houses and is a baby now!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Quite possibly.
PROFESSOR. I thin=
k it
is time we began.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. I was only going to say ...
PROFESSOR. It is
getting late.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Very well. Then we will commence. Antón
Borísitch, be so good as to hypnotise the medium.
GROSSMAN. What me=
thod
would you like me to use? There are several methods. There is Braid's syste=
m,
there is the Egyptian symbol, and there is Charcot's system.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [to the Professor] I think it is quite immaterial.
PROFESSOR. Quite.=
GROSSMAN. Then I =
will
make use of my own method, which I showed in Odessa.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. If you please!
Grossman waves his arms
above Simon. Simon closes his eyes and stretches himself=
.
GROSSMAN [looking
closely at him] He is falling asleep! He is asleep! A remarkably rapid
occurrence of hypnosis. The subject has evidently already reached a state of
anæsthesia. He is remarkable,--an unusually impressionable subject, a=
nd
might be subjected to interesting experiments!... [Sits down, rises, sits d=
own
again] Now one might run a needle into his arm. If you like ...
PROFESSOR [to
Leoníd Fyódoritch] Do you notice how the medium's trance acts=
on
Grossman? He is beginning to vibrate.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, yes ... can the lights be extinguished now?
SAHÁTOF. B=
ut
why is darkness necessary?
PROFESSOR. Darkne=
ss?
Because it is a condition of the manifestation of mediumistic energy, just =
as a
given temperature is a condition necessary for certain manifestations of
chemical or dynamic energy.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. But not always. Manifestations have been observed by me,=
and
by many others, both by candlelight and daylight.
PROFESSOR
[interrupting] May the lights be put out?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, certainly. [Puts out candles] Ladies and gentlemen!
attention, if you please.
Tánya gets from=
under
the sofa and takes hold of a thread tied to a chandelier.
PETRÍSTCHE=
F. I
like that Spaniard! Just in the midst of a conversation--off he goes head
downwards ... as the French say: piquer une tête.[13]
[13] To take a header.
BETSY. You just w=
ait
a bit, and see what will happen!
PETRÍSTCHE=
F. I
have only one fear, and that is that Vovo may be moved by the spirit to gru=
nt
like a pig!
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Would you like me to? I will ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Gentlemen! Silence, if you please!
Silence. Simon licks t=
he
matches on his fingers and rubs his knuckles with the=
m.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. A light! Do you see the light?
SAHÁTOF. A
light? Yes, yes, I see; but allow me ...
FAT LADY. Where?
Where? Oh dear, I did not see it! Ah, there it is. Oh!...
PROFESSOR [whispe=
rs
to Leoníd Fyódoritch, and points to Grossman, who is moving] =
Do
you notice how he vibrates? It is the dual influence. [The light appears
again].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [to the Professor] It must be he--you know!
SAHÁTOF. W=
ho?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. A Greek, Nicholas. It is his light. Don't you think so,
Alexéy Vladímiritch?
SAHÁTOF. W=
ho
is this Greek, Nicholas?
PROFESSOR. A cert=
ain
Greek, who was a monk at Constantinople under Constantine and who has been
visiting us lately.
FAT LADY. Where is
he? Where is he? I don't see him.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. He is not yet visible ... Alexéy Vladímiri=
tch,
he is particularly well disposed towards you. You question him.
PROFESSOR [in a
peculiar voice] Nicholas! Is that you?
Tánya raps twic=
e on
the wall.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [joyfully] It is he! It is he!
FAT LADY. Oh dear!
Oh! I shall go away!
SAHÁTOF. W=
hy
do you suppose it is he?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Why, the two knocks. It is an affirmative answer; else a=
ll
would have been silence.
Silence. Suppressed gi=
ggling
in the young people's corner. Tánya throws a lampshad=
e,
pencil and penwiper upon the table.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [whispers] Do you notice, gentlemen, here is a lamp-shade,
and something else--a pencil!... Alexéy Vladímiritch, it is a
pencil!
PROFESSOR. All ri=
ght,
all right! I am watching both him and Grossman!
Grossman rises and fee=
ls the
things that have fallen on the table.
SAHÁTOF.
Excuse me, excuse me! I should like to see whether it is not the medium who=
is
doing it all himself?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Do you think so? Well, sit by him and hold his hands. But
you may be sure he is asleep.
SAHÁTOF
[approaches. Tánya lets a thread touch his head. He is frightened, a=
nd
stoops]. Ye ... ye ... yes! Strange, very strange! [Takes hold of Simon's
elbow. Simon howls].
PROFESSOR [to
Leoníd Fyódoritch] Do you notice the effect of Grossman's pre=
sence?
It is a new phenomenon--I must note it ... [Runs out to note it down, and
returns again].
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes.... But we cannot leave Nicholas without an answer. =
We
must begin ...
GROSSMAN [rises,
approaches Simon and raises and lowers his arm] It would be interesting to
produce contraction! The subject is in profound hypnosis.
PROFESSOR [to
Leoníd Fyódoritch] Do you see? Do you see?
GROSSMAN. If you =
like
...
DOCTOR. Now then,=
my
dear sir, leave the management to Alexéy Vladímiritch, the af=
fair
is turning out serious.
PROFESSOR. Leave =
him alone,
he [referring to Grossman] is talking in his sleep!
FAT LADY. How gla=
d I
now am that I resolved to be present! It is frightening, but all the same I=
am
glad, for I always said to my husband ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Silence, if you please.
Tánya draws a t=
hread
over the Fat Lady's head.
FAT LADY. Aie!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. What? What is it?
FAT LADY. He took
hold of my hair!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [whispers] Never mind, don't be afraid, give him your han=
d.
His hand will be cold, but I like it.
FAT LADY [hides h=
er
hands] Not for the world!
SAHÁTOF. Y=
es,
it is strange, very strange!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. He is here and is seeking for intercourse. Who wishes to=
put
a question to him?
SAHÁTOF. I
should like to put a question, if I may.
PROFESSOR. Please=
do.
SAHÁTOF. D=
o I
believe or not?
Tánya knocks tw=
ice.
PROFESSOR. The an=
swer
is affirmative.
SAHÁTOF. A=
llow
me to ask again. Have I a ten rouble note in my pocket?
Tánya knocks se=
veral
times and passes a thread over Sahátof's head.
SAHÁTOF. A=
h!
[Seizes the thread and breaks it].
PROFESSOR. I shou=
ld
ask those present not to ask indefinite or trivial questions. It is unpleas=
ant
to him!
SAHÁTOF. N=
o,
but allow me! Here I have a thread in my hand!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. A thread? Hold it fast; that happens often, and not only
threads but sometimes even silk cords--very ancient ones!
SAHÁTOF.
No--but where did this thread come from?
Tánya throws a
cushion at him.
SAHÁTOF. W=
ait
a bit; wait! Something soft has hit me on the head. Light a candle--there is
something ...
PROFESSOR. We beg=
of
you not to interrupt the manifestations.
FAT LADY. For
goodness' sake don't interrupt! I should also like to ask something. May I?=
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, if you like.
FAT LADY. I should
like to ask about my digestion. May I? I want to know what to take: aconite=
or
belladonna?
Silence, whispers amon=
g the
young people; suddenly Vasíly Leoníditch begins to cry lik=
e a
baby: "ou-a, ou-a!" [Laughter.] Holding their mouths and noses,=
the
girls and Petrístchef run away bursting with laughter.
FAT LADY. Ah, that
must be the monk who's been born again!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [beside himself with anger, whispers] One gets nothing but
tomfoolery from you! If you don't know how to behave decently, go away!
Exit Vasíly
Leoníditch. Darkness and silence.
FAT LADY. Oh, wha=
t a
pity! Now one can't ask any more! He is born!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Not at all. It is only Vovo's nonsense. But he is here. =
Ask
him.
PROFESSOR. That o=
ften
happens. These jokes and ridicule are quite usual occurrences. I expect he =
is
still here. But we may ask. Leoníd Fyódoritch, will you?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. No, you, if you please. This has upset me. So unpleasant!
Such want of tact!...
PROFESSOR. Very
well.... Nicholas, are you here?
Tánya raps twice and r=
ings.
Simon roars, spreads his arms out, seizes Sahá=
;tof
and the Professor--squeezing them.
PROFESSOR. What an
unexpected phenomenon! The medium himself reacted upon! This never happened
before! Leoníd Fyódoritch, will you watch? It is difficult fo=
r me
to do so. He squeezes me so! Mind you observe Grossman! This needs the very
greatest attention!
Tánya throws the
peasants' paper on the table.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Something has fallen upon the table.
PROFESSOR. See wh=
at
it is!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Paper! A folded paper!
Tánya throws a
travelling inkstand on the table.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. An inkstand!
Tánya throws a =
pen.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. A pen!
Simon roars and squeez=
es.
PROFESSOR [crushe=
d]
Wait a bit, wait: a totally new manifestation! The action proceeding not fr=
om
the mediumistic energy produced, but from the medium himself! However, open=
the
inkstand, and put the pen on the table, and he will write!
Tánya goes behi=
nd
Leoníd Fyódoritch and strikes him on the head with the guitar.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. He has struck me on the head! [Examining table] The pen =
is
not writing yet and the paper remains folded.
PROFESSOR. See wh=
at
the paper is, and quickly; evidently the dual influence--his and Grossman's=
--has
produced a perturbation!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [goes out and returns at once] Extraordinary! This paper =
is
an agreement with some peasants that I refused to sign this morning and
returned to the peasants. Probably he wants me to sign it?
PROFESSOR. Of cou=
rse!
Of course! But ask him.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Nicholas, do you wish ...
Tánya knocks tw=
ice.
PROFESSOR. Do you
hear? It is quite evident!
Leoníd
Fyódoritch takes the paper and pen and goes out. Tánya knocks, plays on =
the
guitar and the accordion, and then creeps under the sofa. Leon&ia=
cute;d
Fyódoritch returns. Simon stretches himself and coughs.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. He is waking up. We can light the candles.
PROFESSOR [hurrie=
dly]
Doctor, Doctor, please, his pulse and temperature! You will see that a rise=
of
both will be apparent.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [lights the candles] Well, what do you gentlemen who were
sceptical think of it now?
DOCTOR [goes up to
Simon and places thermometer] Now then my lad. Well, have you had a nap? Th=
ere,
put that in there, and give me your hand. [Looks at his watch].
SAHÁTOF
[shrugging his shoulders] I must admit that all that has occurred cannot ha=
ve
been done by the medium. But the thread?... I should like the thread explai=
ned.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. A thread! A thread! We have been witnessing manifestatio=
ns
more important than a thread.
SAHÁTOF. I
don't know. At all events, je réserve mon opinion.
FAT LADY [to
Sahátof] Oh no, how can you say: "je réserve mon opinion=
?"
And the infant with the little wings? Didn't you see? At first I thought it=
was
only an illusion, but afterwards it became clearer and clearer, like a live=
...
SAHÁTOF. I=
can
only speak of what I have seen. I did not see that--nothing of the kind.
FAT LADY. You don=
't
mean to say so? Why, it was quite plainly visible! And to the left there wa=
s a
monk clothed in black bending over it ...
SAHÁTOF [m=
oves
away. Aside] What exaggeration!
FAT LADY [address=
ing
the Doctor] You must have seen it! It rose up from your side.
Doctor goes on counting
pulse without heeding her.
FAT LADY [to
Grossman] And that light, the light around it, especially around its little
face! And the expression so mild and tender, something so heavenly! [Smiles
tenderly herself].
GROSSMAN. I saw
phosphorescent light, and objects changed their places, but I saw nothing m=
ore
than that.
FAT LADY. Don't t=
ell
me! You don't mean it! It is simply that you scientists of Charcot's school=
do
not believe in a life beyond the grave! As for me, no one could now make me
disbelieve in a future life--no one in the world!
Grossman moves away fr=
om
her.
FAT LADY. No, no,
whatever you may say, this is one of the happiest moments of my life! When I
heard Sarasate play, and now.... Yes! [No one listens to her. She goes up to
Simon] Now tell me, my friend, what did you feel? Was it very trying?
SIMON [laughs] Ye=
s,
ma'm, just so.
FAT LADY. Still n=
ot
unendurable?
SIMON. Just so, m=
a'm.
[To Leoníd Fyódoritch] Am I to go?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, you may go.
DOCTOR [to the
Professor] The pulse is the same, but the temperature is lower.
PROFESSOR. Lower!
[Considers awhile, then suddenly divines the conclusion] It had to be so--it
had to descend! The dual influence crossing had to produce some kind of ref=
lex
action. Yes, that's it!
Exeunt, all talking at=
once.
{ LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.=
I'm
only sorry we had no complete { materialisation. But still.=
...
Come, gentlemen, let us go to the { drawing-room? { { FAT LADY. What specially st=
ruck
me was when he flapped his wings, { and one saw how he rose! { { GROSSMAN [to Sahátof=
] If
we had kept to hypnotism, we might have { produced a thorough state of
epilepsy. The success might have been { complete! { { SAHÁTOF. It is very
interesting, but not entirely convincing. That { is all I can say.
Enter Theodore
Ivánitch.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH [with paper in his hand] Ah, Theodore, what a remarkable
séance we have had! It turns out that the peasants must have the lan=
d on
their own terms.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Dear me!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Yes, indeed. [Showing paper] Fancy, this paper that I re=
turned
to them, suddenly appeared on the table! I have signed it.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. How did it get there?
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well, it did get there! [Exit, Theodore Ivánitch =
follows
him out].
TÁNYA [gets
from under the sofa and laughs] Oh dear, oh dear! Well, I did get a fright =
when
he got hold of the thread! [Shrieks] Well, anyhow, it's all right--he has
signed it!
Enter Gregory.
GREGORY. So it was
you that was fooling them?
TÁNYA. What
business is it of yours?
GREGORY. And do y=
ou
think the missis will be pleased with you for it? No, you bet; you're caught
now! I'll tell them what tricks you're up to, if you don't let me have my w=
ay!
TÁNYA. And
you'll not get your way, and you'll not do me any harm!
=
&nb=
sp;
Curtain.
ACT IV<=
span
class=3DHeading1Char>
The same scene as in A=
ct I.
The next day. Two liveried footmen, Theodore
Ivánitch and Gregory.
FIRST FOOTMAN [with grey whiskers] =
Yours
is the third house to-day. Thank goodness that all the at-homes are in this
direction. Yours used to be on Thursdays.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Yes, we changed to Saturday so as to be on the same day as=
the
Golóvkins and Grade von Grabes ...
SECOND FOOTMAN. T=
he
Stcherbákofs do the thing well. There's refreshments for the footmen
every time they've a ball.
The two Princesses, mo=
ther
and daughter, come down the stairs accompanied by Be=
tsy.
The old Princess looks in her note-book and at her watch, and si=
ts
down on the settle. Gregory puts on her overshoes.
YOUNG PRINCESS. N=
ow,
do come. Because, if you refuse, and Dodo refuses, the whole thing will be
spoilt.
BETSY. I don't kn=
ow.
I must certainly go to the Shoúbins. And then there is the rehearsal=
.
YOUNG PRINCESS.
You'll have plenty of time. Do, please. Ne nous fais pas faux bond.[14]
Fédya and Koko will come.
[14] Do not disappoint us.
BETSY. J'en ai
par-dessus la tête de votre Koko.[15]
[15] BETSY. I have more than enoug=
h of
your Koko.
YOUNG PRINCESS. I
thought I should see him here. Ordinairement il est d'une exactitude ...[16=
]
[16] YOUNG PRINCESS. ... He is usu=
ally
so very punctual ...
BETSY. He is sure=
to
come.
YOUNG PRINCESS. W=
hen
I see you together, it always seems to me that he has either just proposed =
or
is just going to propose.
BETSY. Yes, I don=
't
suppose it can be avoided. I shall have to go through with it. And it is so
unpleasant!
YOUNG PRINCESS. P=
oor
Koko! He is head over ears in love.
BETSY. Cessez, les
gens![17]
[17] BETSY. Cease; mind the servan=
ts!
Young Princess sits do=
wn,
talking in whispers. Gregory puts on her overshoes.
YOUNG PRINCESS. W=
ell
then, good-bye till this evening.
BETSY. I'll try to
come.
OLD PRINCESS. Then
tell your papa that I don't believe in anything of the kind, but will come =
to
see his new medium. Only he must let me know when. Good afternoon, ma toute
belle. [Kisses Betsy, and exit, followed by her daughter. Betsy goes upstai=
rs].
GREGORY. I don't =
like
putting on an old woman's overshoes for her; she can't stoop, can't see her=
shoe
for her stomach, and keeps poking her foot in the wrong place. It's differe=
nt
with a young one; it's pleasant to take her foot in one's hand.
SECOND FOOTMAN. H=
ear
him! Making distinctions!
FIRST FOOTMAN. It=
's
not for us footmen to make such distinctions.
GREGORY. Why
shouldn't one make distinctions; are we not men? It's they think we don't
understand! Just now they were deep in their talk, then they look at me, an=
d at
once it's "lay zhon!"
SECOND FOOTMAN. A=
nd
what's that?
GREGORY. Oh, that
means, "Don't talk, they understand!" It's the same at table. But=
I
understand! You say, there's a difference? I say there is none.
FIRST FOOTMAN. Th=
ere
is a great difference for those who understand.
GREGORY. There is
none at all. To-day I am a footman, and to-morrow I may be living no worse =
than
they are. Has it never happened that they've married footmen? I'll go and h=
ave
a smoke. [Exit].
SECOND FOOTMAN.
That's a bold young man you've got.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. A worthless fellow, not fit for service. He used to be an
office boy and has got spoilt. I advised them not to take him, but the mist=
ress
liked him. He looks well on the carriage when they drive out.
FIRST FOOTMAN. I
should like to send him to our Count; he'd put him in his place! Oh, he don=
't
like those scatterbrains. "If you're a footman, be a footman and fulfil
your calling." Such pride is not befitting.
Petrístchef com=
es
running downstairs, and takes out a cigarette.
PETRÍSTCHEF
[deep in thought] Let's see, my second is the same as my first. Echo, a-co,
co-coa. [Enter Koko Klíngen, wearing his pince-nez] Ko-ko, co-coa. C=
ocoa
tin, where do you spring from?
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
From the Stcherbákofs. You are always playing the fool ...
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
No, listen to my charade. My first is the same as my second, my third may be
cracked, my whole is like your pate.
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
I give it up. I've no time.
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Where else are you going?
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
Where? Of course to the Ívins, to practise for the concert. Then to =
the
Shoúbins, and then to the rehearsal. You'll be there too, won't you?=
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Most certainly. At the re-her-Sall and also at the re-her-Sarah. Why, at fi=
rst
I was a savage, and now I am both a savage and a general.
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
How did yesterday's séance go off?
PETRÍSTCHE=
F. Screamingly
funny! There was a peasant, and above all, it was all in the dark. Vovo cri=
ed
like an infant, the Professor defined, and Márya Vasílevna
refined. Such a lark! You ought to have been there.
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
I'm afraid, mon cher. You have a way of getting off with a jest, but I alwa=
ys
feel that if I say a word, they'll construe it into a proposal. Et ç=
a ne
m'arrange pas du tout, du tout. Mais du tout, du tout![18]
[18] And that won't suit me at all=
, at
all! Not at all, at all!
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Instead of a proposal, make a proposition, and receive a sentence! Well, I
shall go in to Vovo's. If you'll call for me, we can go to the re-her-Sarah
together.
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
I can't think how you can be friends with such a fool. He is so stupid,--a
regular blockhead!
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
And I am fond of him. I love Vovo, but ... "with a love so strange, ne=
'er
towards him the path untrod shall be" ... [Exit into Vovo's room].
Betsy comes down with a
Lady. Koko bows significantly to Betsy.
BETSY [shaking Ko=
ko's
hand without turning towards him. To Lady] You are acquainted?
LADY. No.
BETSY. Baron
Klíngen.... Why were you not here last night?
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
I could not come, I was engaged.
BETSY. What a pit=
y,
it was so interesting! [Laughs] You should have seen what manifestations we
had! Well, how is our charade getting on?
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
Oh, the verses for mon second are ready. Nick composed the verses, and I the
music.
BETSY. What are t=
hey?
What are they? Do tell me!
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
Wait a minute; how does it go?... Oh, the knight sings:
"Oh, naught so beautiful as nature: =
The
Nautilus sails by. =
Oh,
naughty lass, oh, naughty lass! =
Oh,
nought, oh nought! Oh fie!"
LADY. I see, my
second is "nought," and what is my first?
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
My first is Aero, the name of a girl savage.
BETSY. Aero, you =
see,
is a savage who wished to devour the object of her love. [Laughs] She goes
about lamenting, and sings--
"My appetite,"
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN
[interrupts]--
"How can I fight," ...
BETSY [chimes in]=
--
"Some one to chew I long. =
I
seeking go ..."
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN--
"But even so ..."
BETSY--
"No one to chew can find."
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN--
"A raft sails by,"
BETSY--
"It cometh nigh; =
Two
generals upon it ..."
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN--
"Two generals are we: =
By
fate's hard decree, =
To
this island we flee."
And then, the
refrain--
"By fate's hard decree, =
To
this island we flee."
LADY. Charmant!
BETSY. But just t=
hink
how silly!
KOKO KLÍNG=
EN.
Yes, that's the charm of it!
LADY. And who is =
to
be Aero?
BETSY. I am. And I
have had a costume made, but mamma says it's "not decent." And it=
is
not a bit less decent than a ball dress. [To Theodore Ivánitch] Is
Bourdier's man here?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Yes, he is waiting in the kitchen.
LADY. Well, and h=
ow
will you represent Aeronaut?
BETSY. Oh, you'll
see. I don't want to spoil the pleasure for you. Au revoir.
LADY. Good-bye! [=
They
bow. Exit Lady].
BETSY [to Koko
Klíngen] Come up to mamma.
Betsy and Koko go upst=
airs.
Jacob enters from servants' quarters, carrying a tray w=
ith
teacups, cakes, &c., and goes panting across the stage.
JACOB [to the
Footmen] How d'you do? How d'you do? [Footmen bow].
JACOB [to Theodore
Ivánitch] Couldn't you tell Gregory to help a bit! I'm ready to drop=
....
[Exit up the stairs].
FIRST FOOTMAN. Th=
at
is a hard-working chap you've got there.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Yes, a good fellow. But there now--he doesn't satisfy the
mistress, she says his appearance is ungainly. And now they've gone and told
tales about him for letting some peasants into the kitchen yesterday. It is=
a
bad look-out: they may dismiss him. And he is a good fellow.
SECOND FOOTMAN. W=
hat
peasants were they?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Peasants that had come from our Koursk village to buy some
land. It was night, and they were our fellow-countrymen, one of them the fa=
ther
of the butler's assistant. Well, so they were asked into the kitchen. It so
happened that there was thought-reading going on. Something was hidden in t=
he
kitchen, and all the gentlefolk came down, and the mistress saw the peasant=
s.
There was such a row! "How is this," she says; "these people=
may
be infected, and they are let into the kitchen!" ... She is terribly
afraid of this infection.
Enter Gregory.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Gregory, you go and help Jacob. I'll stay here. He can't
manage alone.
GREGORY. He's
awkward, that's why he can't manage. [Exit].
FIRST FOOTMAN. And
what is this new mania they have got? This infection!... So yours also is
afraid of it?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. She fears it worse than fire! Our chief business, nowadays=
, is
fumigating, washing, and sprinkling.
FIRST FOOTMAN. I =
see.
That's why there is such a stuffy smell here. [With animation] I don't know
what we're coming to with these infection notions. It's just detestable! Th=
ey
seem to have forgotten the Lord. There's our master's sister, Princess
Mosolóva, her daughter was dying and, will you believe it, neither f=
ather
nor mother would come near her! So she died without their having taken leav=
e of
her. And the daughter cried, and called them to say good-bye--but they didn=
't
go! The doctor had discovered some infection or other! And yet their own ma=
id
and a trained nurse were with her, and nothing happened to them; they're st=
ill alive!
Enter Vasíly
Leoníditch and Petrístchef from Vasíly Leonídit=
ch's
room, smoki=
ng
cigarettes.
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Come along then, only I must take Koko--Cocoanut, with me.
VASÍLY LEO=
NÍDITCH.
Your Koko is a regular dolt; I can't bear him. A hare-brained fellow, a reg=
ular
gad-about! Without any kind of occupation, eternally loafing around! Eh, wh=
at?
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Well, anyhow, wait a bit, I must say good-bye.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. All right. And I will go and look at my dogs in the coac=
hman's
room. I've got a dog there that's so savage, the coachman said, he nearly a=
te
him.
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Who ate whom? Did the coachman really eat the dog?
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. You are always at it! [Puts on outdoor things and goes o=
ut].
PETRÍSTCHEF
[thoughtfully] Ma-kin-tosh, Co-co-tin.... Let's see. [Goes upstairs].
Jacob runs across the =
stage.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. What's the matter?
JACOB. There is no
more thin bread and butter. I said ... [Exit].
SECOND FOOTMAN. A=
nd
then our master's little son fell ill, and they sent him at once to an hotel
with his nurse, and there he died without his mother.
FIRST FOOTMAN. Th=
ey
don't seem to fear sin! I think you cannot escape from God anywhere.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. That's what I think.
Jacob runs upstairs wi=
th
bread and butter.
FIRST FOOTMAN. One
should consider too, that if we are to be afraid of everybody like that, we=
'd
better shut ourselves up within four walls, as in a prison, and stick there=
!
Enter Tánya; sh=
e bows
to the Footmen.
TÁNYA. Good
afternoon.
Footmen bow.
TÁNYA.
Theodore Ivánitch, I have a word to say to you.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well, what?
TÁNYA. The
peasants have come again, Theodore Ivánitch ...
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well? I gave the paper to Simon.
TÁNYA. I h=
ave
given them the paper. They were that grateful! I can't say how! Now they on=
ly
ask you to take the money.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. But where are they?
TÁNYA. Her=
e,
by the porch.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. All right, I'll tell the master.
TÁNYA. I h=
ave
another request to you, dear Theodore Ivánitch.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. What now?
TÁNYA. Why,
don't you see, Theodore Ivánitch, I can't remain here any longer. Ask
them to let me go.
Enter Jacob, running.<= o:p>
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [to Jacob] What d'you want?
JACOB. Another
samovár, and oranges.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Ask the housekeeper.
Exit Jacob.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [to Tánya] How is that?
TÁNYA. Why,
don't you see, my position is such ...
JACOB [runs in] T=
here
are not enough oranges.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Serve up as many as you've got [Exit Jacob]. Now's not the
time! Just see what a bustle we are in.
TÁNYA. But=
you
know yourself, Theodore Ivánitch, there is no end to this bustle; one
might wait for ever--you know yourself--and my affair is for life.... Dear
Theodore Ivánitch, you have done me a good turn, be a father to me n=
ow,
choose the right moment and tell her, or else she'll get angry and won't le=
t me
have my passport.[19]
[19] Employers have charge of the
servants' passports, and in this way have a hold on them in case of
misconduct.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Where's the hurry?
TÁNYA. Why,
Theodore Ivánitch, it's all settled now.... And I could go to my
godmother's and get ready, and then after Easter we'd get married.[20] Do t=
ell her,
dear Theodore Ivánitch!
[20] See footnote, p. 28. It is
customary for peasants to marry just after Easter, but when spring=
has
come and the field work begun, no marriages take place among th=
em
till autumn.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Go away--this is not the place.
An elderly Gentleman c=
omes
downstairs, puts on overcoat, and goes out followed by t=
he
Second Footman.
Exit Tánya. Ent=
er
Jacob.
JACOB. Just fancy,
Theodore Ivánitch, it's too bad! She wants to discharge me now! She
says, "You break everything, and forget Frisk, and you let the peasants
into the kitchen against my orders!" And you know very well that I knew
nothing about it. Tatyána told me, "Take them into the
kitchen"; how could I tell whose order it was?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Did the mistress speak to you?
JACOB. She's just
spoken. Do speak up for me, Theodore Ivánitch! You see, my people in=
the
country are only just getting on their feet, and suppose I lose my place, w=
hen
shall I get another? Theodore Ivánitch, do, please!
Anna Pávlovna c=
omes
down with the old Countess, whom she is seeing off. The Countess=
has
false teeth and hair. The First Footman helps the Countess into=
her
outdoor things.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Oh, most certainly, of course! I am so deeply touched.
COUNTESS. If it w=
ere
not for my illness, I should come oftener to see you.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
You should really consult Peter Petróvitch. He is rough, but nobody =
can
soothe one as he does. He is so clear, so simple.
COUNTESS. Oh no, I
shall keep to the one I am used to.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Pray, take care of yourself.
COUNTESS. Merci,
mille fois merci.[21]
[21] COUNTESS. Thank you (for your
hospitality), a thousand thanks.
Gregory, dishevelled a=
nd
excited, jumps out from the servants' quarters. Simon a=
ppears
behind him in the doorway.
SIMON. You'd bett=
er
leave her alone!
GREGORY. You rasc=
al!
I'll teach you how to fight, you scamp, you!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
What do you mean? Do you think you are in a public-house?
GREGORY. This coa=
rse
peasant makes life impossible for me.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[provoked] You've lost your senses. Don't you see? [To Countess] Merci, mil=
le
fois merci. A mardi![22]
[22] ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Thank y=
ou
(for coming to see us), a thousand thanks. Till next Tuesday!
Exeunt Countess and Fi=
rst
Footman.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[to Gregory] What is the meaning of this?
GREGORY. Though I=
do
occupy the position of a footman, still I won't allow every peasant to hit =
me;
I have my pride too.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Why, what has happened?
GREGORY. Why, thi=
s Simon
of yours has got so brave, sitting with the gentlemen, that he wants to fig=
ht!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Why? What for?
GREGORY. Heaven o=
nly
knows!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[to Simon] What is the meaning of it?
SIMON. Why does he
bother her?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
What has happened?
SIMON [smiles] We=
ll,
you see, he is always catching hold of Tánya, the lady's-maid, and s=
he
won't have it. Well, so I just moved him aside a bit, just so, with my hand=
.
GREGORY. A nice
little bit! He's almost caved my ribs in, and has torn my dress-coat, and he
says, "The same power as came over me yesterday comes on me again,&quo=
t;
and he begins to squeeze me.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[to Simon] How dare you fight in my house?
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. May I explain it to you, ma'am? I must tell you Simon is n=
ot
indifferent to Tánya, and is engaged to her. And Gregory--one must a=
dmit
the truth--does not behave properly, nor honestly, to her. Well, so I suppo=
se
Simon got angry with him.
GREGORY. Not at a=
ll!
It is all his spite, because I have discovered their trickery.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
What trickery?
GREGORY. Why, at =
the
séance. All those things, last night,--it was not Simon but Tá=
;nya
who did them! I saw her getting out from under the sofa with my own eyes.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
What is that? From under the sofa?
GREGORY. I give y=
ou
my word of honour. And it was she who threw the paper on the table. If it h=
ad
not been for her the paper would not have been signed, nor the land sold to=
the
peasants.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
And you saw it yourself?
GREGORY. With my =
own
eyes. Shall I call her? She'll not deny it.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Yes, call her.
Exit Gregory.
Noise behind the scene=
s. The
voice of the Doorkeeper, "No, no, you cannot."
Doorkeeper is seen at the front door, the three Peasants rush in past him,=
the
Second Peasant first; the Third one stumbles, falls on his nose=
, and
catches hold of it.
DOORKEEPER. You m=
ust
not go in!
SECOND PEASANT.
Where's the harm? We are not doing anything wrong. We only wish to pay the
money!
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it; as by laying on the signature the affair is come to a conclusion, =
we
only wish to make payment with thanks.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Wait a bit with your thanks. It was all done by fraud! It is not settled ye=
t.
Not sold yet.... Leoníd.... Call Leoníd Fyódoritch. [E=
xit
Doorkeeper].
Leoníd
Fyódoritch enters, but, seeing his wife and the Peasants, wishes to retreat=
.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
No, no, come here, please! I told you the land must not be sold on credit, =
and
everybody told you so, but you let yourself be deceived like the veriest
blockhead.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. How? I don't understand who is deceiving?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You have grey hair, and you let yourse=
lf
be deceived and laughed at like a silly boy. You grudge your son some three
hundred roubles which his social position demands, and let yourself be tric=
ked
of thousands--like a fool!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Now come, Annette, try to be calm.
FIRST PEASANT. We=
are
only come about the acceptation of the sum, for example ...
THIRD PEASANT [ta=
king
out the money] Let us finish the matter, for Christ's sake!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Wait, wait!
Enter Tánya and
Gregory.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[angrily] You were in the small drawing-room during the séance last
night?
Tánya looks rou=
nd at
Theodore Ivánitch, Leoníd Fyódoritch, and Simon, and sighs.=
GREGORY. It's no =
use
beating about the bush; I saw you myself ...
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Tell me, were you there? I know all about it, so you'd better confess! I'll=
not
do anything to you. I only want to expose him [pointing to Leoníd
Fyódoritch] your master.... Did you throw the paper on the table?
TÁNYA. I d=
on't
know how to answer. Only one thing,--let me go home.
Enter Betsy unobserved=
.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[to Leoníd Fyódoritch] There, you see! You are being made a f=
ool
of.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. There, you s=
ee!
You are being made a fool of.]
TÁNYA. Let=
me
go home, Anna Pávlovna!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
No, my dear! You may have caused us a loss of thousands of roubles. Land has
been sold that ought not to be sold!
TÁNYA. Let=
me
go, Anna Pávlovna!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
No; you'll have to answer for it! Such tricks won't do. We'll have you up
before the Justice of the Peace!
BETSY [comes forw=
ard]
Let her go, mamma. Or, if you wish to have her tried, you must have me trie=
d too!
She and I did it together.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Well, of course, if you have a hand in anything, what can one expect but the
very worst results!
Enter the Professor.
PROFESSOR. How do=
you
do, Anna Pávlovna? How do you do, Miss Betsy? Leoníd
Fyódoritch, I have brought you a report of the Thirteenth Congress of
Spiritualists at Chicago. An amazing speech by Schmidt!
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Oh, that is interesting!
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
I will tell you something much more interesting! It turns out that both you=
and
my husband were fooled by this girl! Betsy takes it on herself, but that is
only to annoy me. It was an illiterate peasant girl who fooled you, and you
believed it all. There were no mediumistic phenomena last night; it was she
[pointing to Tánya] who did it!
PROFESSOR [taking=
off
his overcoat] What do you mean?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
I mean that it was she who, in the dark, played on the guitar and beat my
husband on the head and performed all your idiotic tricks--and she has just
confessed!
PROFESSOR [smilin=
g]
What does that prove?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
It proves that your mediumism is--tomfoolery; that's what it proves!
PROFESSOR. Because
this young girl wished to deceive, we are to conclude that mediumism is
"tomfoolery," as you are pleased to express it? [Smiles] A curious
conclusion! Very possibly this young girl may have wished to deceive: that
often occurs. She may even have done something; but then, what she did--she
did. But the manifestations of mediumistic energy still remain manifestatio=
ns
of mediumistic energy! It is even very probable that what this young girl d=
id,
evoked (and so to say solicited) the manifestation of mediumistic
energy,--giving it a definite form.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Another lecture!
PROFESSOR [sternl=
y]
You say, Anna Pávlovna, that this girl, and perhaps this dear young =
lady
also, did something; but the light we all saw, and, in the first case the f=
all,
and in the second the rise of temperature, and Grossman's excitement and
vibration--were those things also done by this girl? And these are facts, A=
nna
Pávlovna, facts! No! Anna Pávlovna, there are things which mu=
st
be investigated and fully understood before they can be talked about, things
too serious, too serious ...
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. And the child that Márya Vasílevna distinc=
tly
saw? Why, I saw it too.... That could not have been done by this girl.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
You think yourself wise, but you are--a fool.
LEONÍD
FYÓDORITCH. Well, I'm going.... Alexéy Vladímiritch, w=
ill
you come? [Exit into his study].
PROFESSOR [shrugg=
ing
his shoulders, follows] Oh, how far, how far, we still lag behind Western
Europe!
Enter Jacob.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[following Leoníd Fyódoritch with her eyes] He has been trick=
ed
like a fool, and he sees nothing! [To Jacob] What do you want?
JACOB. How many
persons am I to lay the table for?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
For how many?... Theodore Ivánitch! Let him give up the silver plate=
to
you. Be off, at once! It is all his fault! This man will bring me to my gra=
ve.
Last night he nearly starved the dog that had done him no harm! And, as if =
that
were not enough, he lets the infected peasants into the kitchen, and now th=
ey
are here again! It is all his fault! Be off at once! Discharge him, dischar=
ge
him! [To Simon] And you, horrid peasant, if you dare to have rows in my hou=
se
again, I'll teach you!
SECOND PEASANT. A=
ll
right, if he is a horrid peasant there's no good keeping him; you'd better
discharge him too, and there's an end of it.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA
[while listening to him looks at Third Peasant] Only look! Why, he has a ra=
sh
on his nose--a rash! He is ill; he is a hotbed of infection!! Did I not give
orders, yesterday, that they were not to be allowed into the house, and here
they are again? Drive them out!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Then are we not to accept their money?
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
Their money? Oh yes, take their money; but they must be turned out at once,
especially this one! He is quite rotten!
THIRD PEASANT. Th=
at's
not just, lady. God's my witness, it's not just! You'd better ask my old wo=
man,
let's say, whether I am rotten! I'm clear as crystal, let's say.
ANNA PÁVLO=
VNA.
He talks!... Off, off with him! It's all to spite me!... Oh, I can't bear i=
t, I
can't!... Send for the doctor! [Runs away, sobbing. Exit also Jacob and
Gregory].
TÁNYA [to
Betsy] Miss Elizabeth, darling, what am I to do now?
BETSY. Never mind,
you go with them and I'll arrange it all. [Exit].
FIRST PEASANT. We=
ll,
your reverence, how about the reception of the sum now?
SECOND PEASANT. L=
et
us settle up, and go.
THIRD PEASANT
[fumbling with the packet of bank-notes] Had I known, I'd not have come for=
the
world. It's worse than a fever!
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH [to Doorkeeper] Show them into my room. There's a counting-=
board
there. I'll receive their money. Now go.
DOORKEEPER. Come
along.
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. And it's Tánya you have to thank for it. But for he=
r you'd
not have had the land.
FIRST PEASANT. Th=
at's
just it. As she made the proposal, so she put it into effect.
THIRD PEASANT. Sh=
e's
made men of us. Else what were we? We had so little land, no room to let a =
hen
out, let's say, not to mention the cattle. Good-bye, dear! When you get to =
the
village, come to us and eat honey.
SECOND PEASANT. L=
et
me get home and I'll start brewing the beer for the wedding! You will come?=
TÁNYA. Yes,
I'll come, I'll come! [Shrieks] Simon, this is fine, isn't it? [Exeunt
Peasants].
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Well, Tánya, when you have your house I'll come to =
visit
you. Will you welcome me?
TÁNYA. Dear
Theodore Ivánitch, just the same as we would our own father! [Embrac=
es
and kisses him].
=
&nb=
sp;
Curtain.
=
&nb=
sp;
END OF "FRUITS OF CULTURE."
[ Transcriber's Note:
The following is a list of correct=
ions
made to the original. The first line is the original line, the
second the corrected one.
ALEXÉY
VLADÍMIROVITCH KROUGOSVÉTLOF. A professor and scientist of ab=
out ALEXÉY
VLADÍMIRITCH KROUGOSVÉTLOF. A professor and scientist of abou=
t
THE FAT LADY:
MÁRYA VASÍLYEVNA TOLBOÚHINA. A very distinguished, ric=
h, THE
FAT LADY: MÁRYA VASÍLEVNA TOLBOÚHINA. A very
distinguished, rich,
PETRÍSTCHE=
F.
Nothing. I only say, get some at any cost I will wait. PETRÍSTCHEF.
Nothing. I only say, get some at any cost. I will wait.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Then pay up and don't be stingy [To Theodore VASÍ=
LY
LEONÍDITCH. Then pay up and don't be stingy. [To Theodore
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. What d'you think, Theodore Ivanítch, is he flush =
of VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. What d'you think, Theodore Ivánitch, is he flush =
of
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I don't know. I hardly think so, But what does it THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. I don't know. I hardly think so. But what does it
COACHMAN. They'd
better be brought here to Loukérya COACHMAN. They'd better be brought
here to Loukérya.
VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me a moment. [To Servants Cook] Where are the VAS=
ÍLY
LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me a moment. [To Servants' Cook] Where are the
do it out of spit=
e.
.. I turn them out from there, and they bring them do it out of spite.... I
turn them out from there, and they bring them
too!. . [Exit,
sobbing, followed by Leoníd Fyódoritch]. too!... [Exit, sobbi=
ng,
followed by Leoníd Fyódoritch].
THEODORE
IVÁNITCH. Then, I'll tell you what . . THEODORE IVÁNITCH. The=
n,
I'll tell you what ...
PETRÍSTCHEF [trembles] Oh, I'm afraid, I'm afraid! Márya Konstantínova, P= ETRÍSTCHEF [trembles] Oh, I'm afraid, I'm afraid! Márya Konstantínovna,<= o:p>
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, it did get there! [Exit Theodore Ivánitch L= EONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, it did get there! [Exit, Theodore Ivánitch<= o:p>
"A raft sails by,' =
"A
raft sails by," ]